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The XFL is back. Ask not why but why NOW?
The reboot of the XFL just debuted – the weekend after the Super Bowl. That's like having a sewerage commission election the Tuesday after the presidential election.
They start playing XFL games on the heels of the NFL's grandest game?
That's like going to Paris, Texas right after going to Paris, France.
That's like ordering a New York strip at Sizzler right after ordering the porterhouse at Peter Luger.
That's like visiting the border wall right after visiting the Great Wall of China.
That's like watching 17 years of Jimmy Kimmel right after watching 17 years of Johnny Carson.
(I'll stop now because I think you all get the point and, frankly, I'm even starting to annoy myself.)
How badly do you need to see more football six or seven days after the Kansas City Chiefs rallied to beat the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 54?
And when I say "more football," I mean the XFL, where the 'X' stands for Xtraneous, Xcessive, Xasperating, Xpendable and inXplicable.
We don't need more football.
We certainly don't need year-round football; we don't need year-round anything.
I mean, I'm a big fan of food detox, but there is a big difference between a 14-day cleanse and, say, a 365-day cleanse. Trust me, you'd be cleansed out before the 365-day mark.
The XFL, which fabulously failed during its one-season incarnation in 2001, has returned to prove again that few people want to watch more pro football after the NFL signs off for six months.
The expression is "March showers bring April flowers," not "XFL passes bring spring masses."
Nobody is thinking about RPOs in March and April. It would be as if pro hockey – training camp to Stanley Cup finals – decided to consume 10 months of the calendar.
(Editor's Note: Actually, the NHL already does this. We would have deleted the previous paragraph, but Mr. Chad is contractually obligated to provide us 800 words per week.)
The new XFL consists of eight teams – in seven NFL cities, plus St. Louis -- playing a 10-game schedule.
Out of professional responsibility to Sports Nation, I decided to take in the XFL's opening day. On ABC, it was the Seattle Dragons at the DC Defenders; on Fox, it was my Los Angeles Wildcats – I'm thinking about season tickets, but I figure I can find cheap seats on the secondary market – at the Houston Roughnecks.
This is what I saw and heard:
-- ABC's excitable Steve Levy: "The first carry – everything's a first!"
-- Analyst Greg McElroy: "If you look at Ja'Quan Gardner…probably not a name you recognize." Uh, you think?
-- McElroy was intent on emphasizing that these players were THIS CLOSE to being in the NFL, much as I am THIS CLOSE to writing for the New York Times.
-- With 11:25 left in the first quarter, the crowd chanted, "MVP! MVP!" for Defenders quarterback Cardale Jones. Now, that's funny.
-- Defenders fans, thinking they were at a R*dsk*ns game, started booing the home team early in the second quarter.
-- Fox analyst Joel Klatt never stopped talking. He's still talking right now as you read this.
-- We got to hear the coach or offensive coordinator calling the plays from the sideline, which captivated me almost as much as hearing the pimply kid shout out my order at Wienerschnitzel.
(Memo to the Houston Astros: In the XFL, you don't need to steal signs, you can just listen to the other coach telling you the next play on live TV.)
Anyway, the football was entertaining and many XFL rules changes will be keepers. But for all the bells and whistles, it doesn't alter the inescapable fact that we are not pining for more football the next 75 days.
The XFL is the proverbial tree falling in the forest that no one hears, so does it make a sound?
In this respect, it resembles most Couch Slouch columns – exquisitely written, extraordinarily unread.
Ask the Slouch
Q.Did someone forget to tell Joel Embiid that the Philadelphia 76ers aren't tanking anymore? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Speaking of which, I guess The Process is complete – the 76ers are now trading away draft picks.
Q.With Bob Knight ending his 20-year split with Indiana, did that give you any thoughts about your first marriage? (Ken Ryan; Huntsville, Ala.)
A. I would have to violate a court order.
Q.Shouldn't fellow Vienna, Va., resident Terry Golden get a bonus – say, an extra 50 cents – for having the most questions answered in your column? (Jan-Peter Ozga, Vienna, Va.)
A. Listen, pal, Mr. Golden has built an addition to his home off of Ask The Slouch winnings.
You want me to INCREASE his windfall? You send him the extra half-buck and I'll sign the card.
Q.Is it true that the NFL will be using the Iowa caucus app to speed up the replay process? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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Just one week ago, it looked like the Astros’ bats might finally be waking up. There was a noticeable uptick in offensive numbers, optimism in the air, and a belief creeping in that Houston could be on the verge of an offensive breakthrough. But if there was any momentum building, it collapsed over the past week.
In their latest seven-game stretch, the Astros were near the bottom of the league in virtually every key offensive metric — 24th in runs scored, 27th in OPS (.610), and 26th in slugging percentage (.337). These numbers aren't just a one-week blip. They are more aligned with the team’s season-long struggles, and it’s becoming increasingly difficult to argue that the Astros are simply off to a slow start. The numbers don’t lie: 25th in home runs (39), 20th in OPS (.689), 23rd in slugging (.372), and 20th in total runs.
The hope was that Houston’s offense would eventually climb into the top 10. That no longer feels realistic. What’s becoming clearer each week is that this is a bottom-third offense — and the only thing keeping them competitive is elite pitching.
Pitching keeps the ship afloat
While the bats have sputtered, the arms have delivered. The Astros currently rank 7th in team ERA (3.39), 1st in WHIP (1.12), and 2nd in opponent batting average (.212). That’s championship-caliber stuff. But as the American League hierarchy takes shape, it’s worth noting that contenders like the Yankees and Tigers boast both top-five pitching and offense — a balance the Astros currently can’t come close to matching.
Core hitters going quiet
So what’s wrong with the offense? Much of it comes down to three players who were supposed to be key contributors: Jose Altuve, Christian Walker, and Yainer Diaz. All three rank in the bottom 30 in MLB in OPS.
For Altuve, the struggles are especially glaring. The month of May has been a black hole for the veteran. He has yet to hit a home run or drive in a run this month. His season numbers (.241/.296/.646) are troubling enough, but the trend line is even worse:
- Last 7 games: .148 AVG / .233 OBP / .185 SLG
- Last 15 games: .175 AVG / .242 OBP / .228 SLG
- Last 30 games: .193 AVG / .256 OBP / .272 SLG
That last stretch has Altuve ranked with the 8th worst OPS (.537) in all of baseball over the last month.
Yet despite the slump — and a 35-year-old body showing signs of wear — Altuve continues to be penciled into the lineup almost daily. Even after missing a game on May 11th with hamstring tightness, he returned the next day. Manager Joe Espada’s reluctance to give Altuve extended rest is becoming a storyline of its own. If he continues to produce at this level, it will be hard to justify keeping him at the top of the lineup.
Rotation takes a blow
The week delivered more bad news — this time on the injury front. The Astros announced that right-hander Hayden Wesneski will miss the remainder of the season and require Tommy John surgery. What makes the injury particularly frustrating is that the signs were there. Decreased velocity led to a longer rest period, but in his return start, the team allowed him to throw 40 pitches in the first inning. That start would be his last of the season.
With Wesneski out, the pressure now shifts to Lance McCullers, whose return was once seen as a bonus but now feels like a necessity. Spencer Arrighetti’s comeback becomes more critical as well. The Astros' rotation has depth, but the margin for error just got thinner.
The road ahead
The American League isn’t dominated by a juggernaut, which gives the Astros some breathing room. But the Yankees and Tigers are pulling away in terms of balance and consistency — the very thing Houston has lacked.
We have so much more to discuss. Don't miss the video below as we examine the topics above and much, much more!
The MLB season is finally upon us! Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and Charlie Pallilo for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday!
*ChatGPT assisted.
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