The Couch Slouch
Hey Mike Gundy: You're a man. You can find something else to do
Apr 13, 2020, 6:55 am
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Nobody wants a pandemic, certainly not one that kills hundreds of thousands and delays the college football season.
That was certainly the mindset last week of Oklahoma State coach Mike Gundy, who indicated that May 1 would be a good time to get back to football and who wants his players on campus even if it's deserted because "continuing the economy in this state" requires his team playing games.
"We've got to have a plan," Gundy said, "…so let's just stay on schedule."
Uh, let's update the scoreboard here:
Covid-19, OSU 0.
Go Cowboys!!!
Coach, I understand that we must get back to the business of living. But – follow me on this – we can't do that if we are all dead. So we must stay at home – pause life to preserve life – until the experts say otherwise in regard to this once-in-a-century sacrifice that we hopefully will never see the likes of again.
It stinks this way, it sure does.
Suddenly, we know why our dogs want to take so many walks.
So, yes, we need sports again. But we also need almost every other taken-for-granted detail of our routine, from schools to restaurants to shopping to libraries to concerts to Costco grand openings.
And, frankly, we need back things that have been missing most or all of our lives: compassion, decency, humanity, sense of community.
But we can start by accentuating the positive and eliminating the negative at home. We can start by appreciating what's around us and by revisiting the simple delights that surround us.
Play Rack-O with your kids.
Watch any season of "The Larry Sanders Show" on HBO on Demand.
Talk to long-distance friends. In the old days, these were known as "phone calls."
Send your aunt or uncle a long note. In the old days, this was known as "writing a letter."
Make your own pizza, and when that fails, order one for delivery.
Dig out your old baseball card box, and if you can't find a Nolan Ryan rookie card, give all of them to the 10-year-old next door.
Tell your spouse, "We've got to talk," to let 'em know what it feels like to be on the other end of that baby.
Sing the theme song from "Gilligan's Island" three times nightly.
Board-game doubleheader: Monopoly and Candy Land!
Try to write the Great American Novel, or, at a minimum, at least a limerick.
"Casablanca" and "The Princess Bride," back-to-back, to experience full black-and-white and Technicolor joy.
"His Girl Friday" and "Broadcast News," back-to-back, in black-and-white and Technicolor, to experience full print and electronic joy.
S'mores!
Re-enact scenes from the Old Testament; I adore Leviticus Chapter 19, Verse 33.
A foosball table ($104.99-ish) or air hockey (also $104.99-ish) is the best quarantined C-note investment in the land.
Good betting game: Sit on your front porch with a family member and wager on which direction – left or right – 10 people will walk by your house first.*
(* If you don't have a front porch, just look out the damn window.)
Remind your teenagers about safe sex, in case they ever have sex.
When's the last time you played Charades?
For 16 and under: Hit your brother for no reason. When he hits you back, roll onto the living-room carpet in full brawling mode.
For 75 and over: Hit your brother for no reason. If he falls to the ground in agony, call 911.
Wii bowling!!!
Tell everybody in your home how much you love 'em, twice. Do it now.
Ask The Slouch
Q. I assume you have the entire "Dogs Playing Poker" collection of paintings. And aren't dogs the best? (Eddie Vidmar; Cleveland)
A. Yes, I have the entire collection and, yes, dogs are the best. We just lost our beloved poker-playing pit mix: R.I.P. Daisy.
Q. Is it true that the first recorded reference of the six feet "social distancing" term was in a NCAA basketball referees manual on what constituted a foul when a Duke player drives to the basket? (Stewart Verdery; Washington, D.C.)
A. Boy, I miss rooting against Duke.
Q. Distraught over the pandemic, IOC and NCAA officials walk into a bar and order a bottle of Screaming Eagle Cabernet 1992. How much should the athletes tip the server? (Bobby Weaver; Smyrna, Ga.)
A. You have an uncanny grasp of global sporting economics.
Q.Since you have been "working" from home for years, does it bother you that your employer deemed you non-essential well before the coronavirus showed up? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Listen, pal, my family also has deemed me non-essential and questions why I even need to be home.
Q.Since the NFL draft will not have a live audience, should a booing track be added every time Roger Goodell steps up to the microphone? (Arthur Polton; Fairfax, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
To enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway, just email asktheslouch@aol.com. The Couch Slouch podcast is available on your favorite podcasting app.
The Houston Texans addressed their most glaring needs by selecting offensive tackle Aireontae Ersery and a pair of Iowa State receivers in the NFL draft.
“The idea was to try to add good players, good people that are young, tough, hungry, that want to win, that put the team first,” general manager Nick Caserio said. “These picks exemplify that.”
The Texans got players that could help them quickly despite not picking in the first round for a second straight season. They didn’t have a first-round pick last year because of trades, including the one to move up and get defensive end Will Anderson with the third overall pick in the 2023 draft.
This season they shipped the 25th overall pick to the Giants on Thursday in exchange for several picks.
Their first selection in this draft was receiver Jayden Higgins, who was taken with the second pick of the second round. They added Ersery later in the second round with the 48th overall selection and picked up Higgins’ teammate Jaylin Noel in the third round.
Ersery could be Houston’s left tackle of the future after the offseason trade of five-time Pro Bowl left tackle Laremy Tunsil. Ersery started 38 games at left tackle over three seasons at Minnesota where he was a third-team All-American last season.
He comes to Houston to help shore up a line that allowed C.J. Stroud to be sacked 52 times last season, which was the second most in the NFL.
The Texans added veteran tackle Cam Robinson this offseason and Ersery will compete with him to protect Stroud’s blind side as the Texans attempt to reach the playoffs for a third straight season under coach DeMeco Ryans.
The 6-foot-6, 331-pound Ersery, who was the Big Ten’s Offensive Lineman of the Year last season, can’t wait to play with Stroud.
“C.J. Stroud is a baller,” Ersery said. “I’m so honored to be a guy to help out and come in and help protect him. I’m just super stoked and I know I’m going to a great organization.”
Cyclones teammates
Higgins and Noel join the Texans to add more depth at receiver to complement star Nico Collins with Tank Dell recovering from a serious knee injury and Stefon Diggs gone to the Patriots.
Higgins, who has been compared to Collins, had 87 receptions for 1,183 yards and nine touchdowns last season for the Cyclones and Noel added 80 catches for 1,194 yards and eight scores.
After Higgins was drafted, Noel never imagined he’d be heading to Houston, too. He shared on social media a fortune he received from a Chinese restaurant that read: “Look forward to an unplanned reunion with an out-of-touch friend.”
Noel later shared his feelings about joining Higgins on the roster.
“I was surprised,” Noel said. “But they’ve seen that 1-2 punch all year. They’re going to be very happy with those selections for sure.”
Caserio said a talk with Iowa State coach Matt Campbell on Friday helped him make his final decisions on the receivers.
“He was effusive in his… belief and praise of both Higgins and Noel,” Caserio said.
The Texans now have three receivers from Iowa State on their roster after drafting Xavier Hutchinson in the sixth round in 2023.
Overcoming obstacles
Ersery and his four siblings were raised by a single mother and experienced homelessness when he was a child despite her working multiple jobs. He is thrilled to have put those struggles behind him as he embarks on his next chapter.
“I’ve got that hardworking mentality from her,” he said. “So, growing up times were tough but now I’ve got my foot in the door and I look forward to trying to change some things around.”
Caserio loves guys with work ethic like Ersery’s and said that’s one reason why they believe he’ll fit in with the Texans.
“If you come in and put your head down and work and just get better, take advantage of your opportunities, you’re going to have a shot to have success and do a lot of good things for the organization,” he said.
What’s in a name?
Along with Noel, the Texans added another Jaylin in this draft with they picked USC cornerback Jaylin Smith in the third round.
“We got Jaylins, and we got all these guys around. It’s going to be hard to keep them straight,” Caserio joked on Friday after they picked Smith.
Then on Saturday, the Texans added another player with the same name, albeit with a different spelling, when they took Penn State safety Jaylen Reed in the sixth round.
That gives them four players with the same name and three different spellings as the three rookies join starting safety Jalen Pitre on the team.
Doubling up
Along with drafting two players from Iowa State, the Texans also added a pair of players from Southern California when they picked running back Woody Marks in the fourth round after drafting Smith in the third.
Marks ran for a career-high 1,133 yards with nine touchdowns for the Trojans last season after transferring from Mississippi State.
Be sure to watch the video below as NFL.com Draft Analyst Lance Zierlein shares his thoughts on all the Texans' picks!