WINNER, WINNER!

Here's a fun outside-the-box plan to cash in betting football this weekend

Texans Dameon Pierce
Looking to place some bets this weekend? Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images.
How Houston Texans could be witnessing a turning of the tide at key position

Are you lonely? There’s no need to answer those blurbs online for “old-fashioned” Russian women looking to marry American men. Sure they “know how to respect their husbands and treat them like kings,” but who knows what will get off that plane when you greet the new Mrs. You. She may not look like that picture in the ad.

Here’s a better, safer way to find companionship. And I guarantee this new friend will stick with you longer than throwing a long distance Hail Mary for love. Unfortunately, this method may end up wiping out your 401k just the same.

If you listen to one of those weekend radio shows where sports betting hustlers tell you, “Call my toll-free number for a recorded message with our free picks this weekend” – and you think you’re getting something for free – you’re wrong. Once you make that call, they’ve got your number, and there’s nothing, certainly not call blocking or FCC regulations outlawing spam calls (yeah, those work) that will stop them from calling you till death do you part. You’ll have an easier time getting rid of a time share in Galveston.

I have a better way. You want to make money betting football? Listen to my friend Oreste San Juan’s weekly picks.

And bet the other way.

Let me tell you about Oreste. I’ve known this guy a long time, I used to work with him. He’s one of our gang. He likes to bet football.

Trouble is, he’s the worst bettor in the world. He’s horrible. Last week, he played a 5-team parlay. All five of his teams lost. You realized that’s as mathematically unlikely as picking five winners, right?

If he bets $100 on a parlay and loses all five games, what happens if you bet the other way? Here’s what - $759 for a tidy profit of $659.

It’s like Oreste is giving away free money. Think of Sundays as “Opposite Day,” – the opposite of Oreste. You know how pro sports “investment advisors” brag they have a “documented 90 percent win rate?” That’s a bunch of crap, of course. Oreste is honest - “I can’t remember the last time I had a winning year!”

If he loses and you go the other way, you don’t have to be Ed “The Professor” Horowitz to know this is a solid system. It’s like buying short in the stock market without worrying about your guy running back a certain Pick 6 for the win but he drops the ball on the 1-yard-line like an idiot.

Here’s how successful Oreste is in the sports speculation maelstrom. Monday through Friday, working 9 to 5, he is very successful, probably makes more money than the rest of us. He stinks on weekends, that’s all. When the boys go to McDonald’s, he’ll ask if I have any coupons for half-off Big Macs. A few summers ago, a bunch of went to Europe and rode all-night trains from country to country. One night he was in the top bunk over me. At 5 a.m., I heard him yell “&*$%$!” He stayed up till dawn listening to Monday Night Football on Armed Forces Radio and he lost on a last-second field goal.

We were on a bus in Warsaw and Oreste had his phone up to his ear. He was listening to a college football game. He was oblivious to the world. A passenger tapped him on his shoulder. “That guy just stole your wallet and ran off the bus.” Oreste spent the rest of that day at the U.S. Embassy trying to get a copy of his passport.

Enough selling the Oreste San Juan Plan for Prosperity. Here are his four NFL picks for Week 3. Remember, go the opposite way.

He likes the Bears (-3) over the Texans.

He likes the Chief (-6) at the Colts.

He likes the Bengals (-5) at the J-E-T-S.

He loves, loves, loves Buccaneers (-1) over the Packers.

See you at the pay window.

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The Astros beat the Twins, 10-3. Composite Getty Image.

Jose Altuve and rookie Jacob Melton drove in three runs each as the Houston Astros jumped on Chris Paddack early and cruised to a 10-3 win over the Minnesota Twins on Friday night.

Paddack (2-6) tied career highs by allowing 12 hits and nine runs — eight earned — in just four innings for his third straight loss.

Houston rookie starter Colton Gordon (2-1) gave up six hits and two runs with five strikeouts in a career-high six innings.

Jeremy Peña tied a season-high with four hits and rookie Cam Smith had two hits and two RBIs as the AL West-leading Astros won their third straight.

Willi Castro, Royce Lewis and Ty France all hit solo homers for the Twins, who were blown out for the third time in four games after losing to Texas 16-4 Tuesday and 16-3 Thursday.

Lewis, who missed the start of the season with a hamstring strain, pulled up as he was running to first base on a single in the ninth inning and was replaced by a pinch-runner. There was no immediate word on his injury.

The Astros got to work early in this one. The bases were loaded with two outs in the first when Smith hit a two-run single to center field to make it 2-0. Melton followed with a single to right field to drive in another run.

There were runners on first and third with one out in the second when Altuve’s double scored two to make it 5-0.

The Twins loaded the bases with two outs in the third but Carlos Correa grounded out to end the threat.

Melton hit a two-run triple with no outs in the bottom of the inning to push the lead to 7-0. A sacrifice fly by Mauricio Dubón made it 8-0.

The Twins got on the board with Castro’s two-out homer in the fourth inning.

Altuve homered to left-center to start the bottom of the inning and make it 9-1.

Key moment

Smith’s two-RBI single in the first that gave Houston the lead for good.

Key stat

The Astros had four doubles to give them 15 in their last three games.

Up next

Astros RHP Hunter Brown (8-3, 1.82 ERA) opposes Twins RHP Joe Ryan (7-2, 2.96) on Saturday.

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