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Hypothetical: What animal your favorite athlete fought as a child

Hypothetical: What animal your favorite athlete fought as a child
Can you beat this guy? J.J. Watt can. Hypothetically. Getty Images

One of the most underrated things from the UFC 229 brawl and fight was Khabib Nurmagomedov’s childhood video of him wrestling a bear. Soon as that hit Twitter, it explained so much about Khabib as a fighter, man, and competitor. In fact, I think I saw more, “Wow, this makes so much sense now.” tweets than, “I’ll never watch the UFC again after this brawl! I’m so offended.” tweets.

So keeping in the spirit of that conversation, here are five hypotheticals of what animal some of our favorite Houston athletes fought as a kid:

  1. James Harden vs a Lion: OK, I’m going to start this whole thing off with a lazy joke, ready? “Have you ever seen a lion play defense?” Think about it, lions are the craziest hunters when they’re in attack mode, but do they ever play defense? NOPE! And neither does James. OK, I’m sorry. Look, James has improved on his defense and I constantly argue with people that he’s a really good post defender, but this joke and stigma will never get old for a lazy blurb on my SportsMap article. In fact, the last time a lion had to play some defense was when Mufasa had to fight his brother Scar and because he didn’t know how to, he ended up dying. Now, the true comparisons of James being a killer on the court when he wants to is real and that’s why him fighting a lion as a child makes sense. Also, is there anything more fashion forward in the animal kingdom than a lion’s mane? There isn’t! James picked up his killer offensive instinct, fashion forward style, and blase attitude from this childhood fight with a lion. Seriously, lions literally nap the entire day. Here’s a little behind the scenes, after I wrote this blurb I ran it by my editors Jordan Smith and Del Olaleye (we’ll hear from him again in this post) and they said James vs a Bull makes more sense. Here’s why: the obvious ole jokes, the bull’s nose ring is even more fashion forward than a lion’s mane, and Harden can be a bull in a china shop at times when he’s driving to the hoop and flailing his arms everywhere.  

  2. Justin Verlander vs a Golden Retriever: OK, this wasn’t a fight as much as a stern talking to because Justin Verlander is such a sweet person and dad that he was more disappointed in the dog. Verlander just expected more out of the dog and that moment as a child instilled a dedication of always giving his best and exceeding expectations as a professional. This was the most boring of the fights, but probably makes the most sense.

  3. Alex Bregman vs a Chupacabra: Some people (aka the fake news media) believe Bregman learned spanish so he could help his teammates adjust to the clubhouse and become friends with all of his teammates, but as one conservative radio personality, Del Olaleye, put it, Bregman really learned Spanish so he could tame the legendary Chupacabra. Bregman’s attitude of never backing down was instilled from a young age because his entire life was dedicated to fighting a mythical creature so powerful that Animal Planet has dedicated 18 episodes of Lost Tapes on it. How did this fight start? Because of an intense staring contest. I’ll see myself out.

  4. Deshaun Watson vs a Goat: There an old saying in sports that goes something like this, “To be the man, you gotta beat the man - WOOOO!!” and that is exactly what Watson did as a child. To be the goat, you have to beat a goat. Deshaun is still the greatest QB ever and is going to lead the Texans to new heights under Bill O’Brien - like maybe win more than 9 games - so it’s only right that beat an actual goat so he could be called THE GOAT.

  5. JJ Watt vs a Badger: Look, few things in life are more relentless than a badger. They never stop coming at you and will always grind it out. This explains why JJ Watt is so relentless. When he was a young lad, his fight with a badger put him on a path of greatness where he would never stop working hard and chasing greatness. Even though JJ lost that fight, he really won it because it gave him a goal to become the new badger.

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CultureMap's signature event The Tailgate (shown here in 2023) is coming back for 2024. Photo by Marco Torres / @MarcoFromHouston

CultureMap is gearing up for the exciting return of The Tailgate, our all-out party devoted to everyone’s favorite way to get in the gameday spirit.

For the event’s third year, we’re partying in EaDo at 8th Wonder. The event, presented by Verizon, goes down from 6-9 pm November 11, and tickets are already on sale.

Attendees can look forward to sports-inspired bites from some of their favorite Houston restaurants, premium cocktails, memorabilia from Texas legends, and plenty more game-day fun.

Popular Houston restaurants and chefs will create tailgate-inspired dishes for attendees to sample and vote for their favorite. Participants include:

  • 1891 American Eatery & Bar
  • Big City Wings
  • Comfort Foodies
  • The Halal Guys
  • J Bar M
  • Josephine's Gulf Coast Tradition
  • Kokoro
  • Layne's Chicken Fingers
  • Loro
  • Mainely Sandwiches
  • Pizaro's Pizza
  • Ramen Tatsu-Ya
  • Saint Arnold Brewing Company
  • Southern Jerks
  • Stuff'd Wings
  • Taste Kitchen + Bar
  • Thai Tail
  • The Waffle Bus
  • Uchi
  • Uchiko Houston

Attendees can look forward to food from favorite Houston restaurants and premium cocktails.Photo by Marco Torres / @MarcoFromHouston

Following up on the success of last year’s Ultimate Sports Bar Showdown, we’ll soon be asking readers to vote for their favorite wing joint of 2024. Our editors have put together a list of 16 candidates that will go head-to-head in a bracket-style tournament we're calling the Ultimate Wing Showdown. Your winner will be revealed at the party.

The event will also shine a spotlight on local sports organizations, including the Texans, which will raffle off a CJ Stroud-signed White Panel Football. The Astros will show off their Shooting Stars dancers as well as the 2017 and 2022 World Series Trophies, and their Shuttle Crew team will bring prizes. Houston soccer stars the Dynamo and Dash will raffle team-signed jerseys.

Attendees can expect more fun, games, and prizes courtesy of our event sponsors and local vendors, including Verizon, HOWDY, Jameson Irish Whiskey, Houston Powder Coaters, Holey Moley Golf Club, Mizzen+Main, Shipley Do-nuts, and more.

Fan favorite Astros broadcaster Julia Morales will be there with her cult favorite apparel line, Shop Baseball, Y'all.

We'll keep you up to date on all things Tailgate-related in a special editorial series of stories leading up to the event.

A limited number of Early Bird tickets are on sale now at discounted rates of $35 for general admission (regularly $50) and $60 for VIP (regularly $75).

All tickets include bites by participating restaurants, complimentary premium beverages, and access to fun activities throughout the event. VIP tickets come with one-hour early entry, access to a dedicated VIP bar, an exclusive meet-and-greet with one of Houston's top athletes, and more perks for an elevated experience.

Head here to buy your tickets now.

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The Tailgate is sponsored by Verizon, HOWDY, Jameson Irish Whiskey, Houston Powder Coaters, Holey Moley Golf Club, Mizzen+Main, Shipley Do-nuts and more to be announced.

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