HOFFMAN SOUNDS OFF

Ken Hoffman rips Tiger Woods and the latest food trend

Mickelson and Woods are all smiles after landing this showdown's payout. Photo by Rich Schultz/Getty Images

This article originally appeared on CultureMap.

To my golf buddies: Are you going to pay $20-$30 to watch Tiger Woods go one-on-one against Phil Mickelson the day after Thanksgiving on pay-per-view TV?

Let me rephrase that. Do you have any interest in watching the world’s No. 13 golfer (Woods), who hasn’t won a major tournament in more than a decade, play the No. 26 golfer (Mickelson), who hasn’t won in five years and whose golf career is clearly in decline?

The winner-take-all prize is $9 million, not counting side challenges like longest drive, closest to the pin and other bets. So stupid. I wonder how Justin Rose and Brooks Koepka, the actual No. 1 and No. 2 golfers in the world, feel about Tiger and Phil pushing them aside for the big money?

Let’s contrast this with tennis, where the No. 1, No. 2, and No. 3 stars — Novak Djokovic, Rafael Nadal, and Roger Federer — are playing at peak performance and each won a Grand Slam event in 2018. If the No. 13 tennis player went against the No. 26 player on pay-per-view TV, it would pit Fabio Fognini of Italy vs. Richard Gasquet of France. How many people would pay to watch? In the words of a celibate George Costanza: absolute zero!

I understand it makes sense to have American golfers on the pay TV special. But there are six Americans ahead of Woods in the world rankings, and 13 players ahead of Mickelson. That’s not a good sign for golf, when its two most (only) marketable stars are past their prime and don’t win the biggest tournaments.

Dog-gone election result 
Here’s an out-of-state election result that surprised me. Florida, where craziness lives, voted 69-31 percent to approve Amendment 13, banning greyhound racing by 2020. The Sunshine State currently has 11 dog tracks. Florida becomes the 41st state to abolish the so-called “Queen of Sports.” Stop guessing, horse racing is the “King of Sports.”

One by-product of the ban, between 5,000 and 7,000 racing dogs will have to find new dog tracks or go up for adoption. Since only six tracks will be in business in the U.S. after 2020, most of Florida’s greyhounds will be available for adoption. That’s not counting all the greyhound pups who haven’t qualified for racing yet.

Texas hasn’t banned dog racing at the voting booth, but the industry is in such free fall that it’s going away all by itself. Live racing is rarely held anymore at our three dog tracks, in La Marque, Harlingen and Corpus Christi. Gulf Greyhound Park on I-45 in La Marque effectively closed as fulltime facility in 2016. Now it offers live simulcast betting on dog and horse racing from around the country seven days a week, doors open at 11 a.m.

Most blame (or credit) the decline in Texas dog racing to cruelty concerns and more popular casino gambling in surrounding states. Of course we can’t have casino gambling in Texas because our courageous, righteous leaders in Austin are more concerned about who goes potty in which public restrooms. Funny, they sure don’t mind accepting donations from casino operations in other states, though. Okay, not so funny. Put casino gambling on the ballot, I dare you.

A serious Hoffman warning
You know me, always adventurous, always health-minded when it comes to food. I’ve been hearing a lot about new ways that cauliflower is being used to create healthier options. For example, you can get a pizza on crust made from cauliflower. That sounds criminal.

The most popular cauliflower product seems to be mashed cauliflower — as a substitute for mashed potatoes. Okay, I’ll give it a shot. I bought a package of frozen Green Giant Mashed Cauliflower (with "no potato") for $4.99.

The deal is, mashed cauliflower is supposed to taste just like mashed potatoes (one of my favorite foods) and nobody can tell the difference. Really?

Mashed cauliflower is horrible. You know why? Because it tastes like cauliflower, one of nature’s most hideous creations. Not only does it taste awful, it filled my house with a foul odor that had me opening windows and spraying Glade. I thought the smoke detector would go off in protest.

True, mashed cauliflower has fewer calories and carbs than mashed potatoes. But it’s the ultimate pyrrhic victory: not worth it. You can control mashed potatoes’ health hazard by going easy on the butter and milk and sour cream. I use I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter and 2-percent milk and everybody loves my mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving.

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ART BY JESUS RODRIGUEZ

Born with a comic book in one hand and a remote control in the other, Cory DLG is the talent of Conroe's very own Nerd Thug Radio, Sports and Wrestling. Check out the podcast replay of the FM radio show at www.nerdthugradio.com!

Hey Nerds!

It's a brand new week and we're in the business of crushing it, so lets get this Monday going… wait, what? A lot of you are off? That's weird, alright, lets kill it anyway!

GOOD DEED OF THE DAY

Honestly this week, with so much going on in the world and so many places needing help and in light of the world raising a billion dollars in seemingly one day to rebuild the Notre Dame Cathedral but Puerto Rico still being ruined, the Midwest still being flooded, and there being so many places around town in need of some funds to help people. Just find a good cause this week, find something worth while, find someone to help and just give a little. Give a little of your time and of your money and of your energy to make the world a slightly better place.

AS THE WORLD TURNS

As the world turns episode two hundred featuring the DC Streaming app, now the story about the Swamp Thing show getting cut short has nothing to do with budgets or app performances or streaming numbers. Now the story coming out is that there were creative differences with the showrunners (even though all the actors and writers had no clue what was going on when the show shut down with several of them making social media posts to that fact). If this is truly the case, then the line up for the rest of the streaming service is safe, the animated Young Justice second half of the season is still coming and the animated Harley Quinn and the live action Stargirl are all still on schedule allegedly. Another weird thing about this possibly being true is that this would be the second comic book show firing its show runners in just one month and Disney just bailed on a major budget animated Mouse Guard movie Fox films was literally weeks away from starting production on so in one month several big budget comic book projects are in jeopardy all while Disney is set to launch a streaming service with several big budget star wars and comic book properties and Avengers is set to debut at record breaking numbers. Which to me actually suggests comic book movies as a genre have stabilized and become another normal like comedies and action movies with studios passing and cancelling and investing and casting and moving on for business reasons, they're no longer "event movies" they're now the new normal.

DRY LANDS IS NOT A MYTH

This story is so incredible I have to write about it, I'm about to introduce you to the concept of Seasteading. Seasteading is the idea of building self-sustaining floating mini cities that are built in international waters ideally outside the sphere of influence of any particular nation and then are supposed to be self-governed. They aren't just a sci-fi high society concept as one largish such colony is currently being negotiated and built off the French Polynesian coast and one such test structure was built allegedly 13 miles off the coast of Thailand. Why do I say allegedly? Because the couple that lived on their 6 square meter little ocean shack, were making posts to social media explaining their plan, including being in international waters and free of Thailand's interference which made Thailand so angry they sent police out to arrest them for immigration crimes which could result in life in prison or even a death sentence. The two are now fugitives but don't worry, in a move that gets filed under "never learning a lesson" the guy is still somehow posting to Facebook assuring everyone he's fine. Like I said, this news story is crazy.

A LITTLE OVERWATCH TALK

The Houston Outlaws lost both of their matches this weekend, making them 3-6 for this season and meaning that other than the first phase of Season 1, remember each season is in four phases, The Outlaws haven't posted a winning record. In their second match of this weekend they actually got swept 3-0 and in their final game of that match they at one point were in a position to force overtime and extend match play and perhaps even start a rally and fell short in a game of "escort" where one team has to fight and push a cart through the map and the other team obviously wants to prevent you from succeeding. After getting the cart through most of the map they get to what you would essentially call the redzone if you were mixing sports and made an unnecessary change to their lineup which resulted in them losing all momentum and then losing the game and the match in a sweep. They then on twitter posted a graphic depicting the 0-3 final score of a loss on their own page! I got upset at this, its one thing to make silly mistakes, but it's a whole other thing to celebrate losing, they represent Houston, they better get it figured out.

NOT THAT YOU ASKED

So stay with me, I'm going to rant a little bit here. Yesterday in Sri Lanka there was a terrorist bombing in a church and there aren't a ton of details as I write this as to who is responsible but honestly, I don't care. I'm tired. I'm just absolutely exhausted with all of this, there are different religions in the world and some people believe so strongly that it leads them to violence and before anyone takes this to mean I'm siding with any one group, I'm not. There are bad apples on all sides and no one wants to admit it, White America hates the fact that nearly all domestic terrorists are white guys and they say stuff like "well white people are the majority so it makes sense" ok but it really doesn't make sense. Because as one group accuses another group what no one is doing is just taking blame for their own issues, owning their own screw ups and walking away. Each side of all of these conflicts keep trying to step up the rhetoric and step up the energy and blame the other side but the truth is really a lot simpler than anyone wants to hear. It is all of our faults. Everyone who doesn't correct people when they speak ignorantly of other groups, every time we let someone walk away from a situation angry and blaming everyone but themselves for their own issues. When we say it's everyone else's fault for the world we're living in but we're not doing anything about it then we are the problem. I try to spread good thoughts and words, I try to stay positive and keep positive vibes in the world, I want to be a good example (maybe not a great example, but a good one) to my nephews and niece. Someone my parents will be proud of and someone my friends can count on, and I make mistakes, I have my moments and these last few years have been so rough and so complicated that sometimes you do just want to lash out. But it was a church. It was Easter and the people of Sri Lanka have finally begun to enjoy piece after so long being a war torn and dangerous place, they were women and children. Men and sons, all just looking to worship in peace and spread a little positive energy to the world and as a world and community we've all let them down. Let's try to be better, just a little bit better because the truth about all of this is one day it's going to be us in a church or a mall or a school and then we will have no one to blame again but ourselves.

I'm going to jump out and wish you guys a great Monday and remind everyone to be kind to each other and try a little harder to have a great day! I'm coming back Wednesday and we'll be bringing more good times your way. Feel free to check out my digital short story The Wilson House or buy a shirt from Side Hustle Ts where every shirt is now under $20 or listen to Nerd Thug Radio or support our Patreon Page. Thoughts, complaints, events and comments can be sent to corydlg@gmail.com.

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