GIMME A BREAK

Ken Hoffman on the worst part of golf, and why he's never playing again

Ken Hoffman on the worst part of golf, and why he's never playing again
Ken Hoffman has played his last round of golf due to one infuriating tradition. Photo courtesy of Four Seasons Resort and Club Dallas Las Colinas

Originally appeared on CultureMap

 

I was on vacation last week and, well, that’s the last time I’m ever playing golf.

It’s not that big a deal, chances were pretty good I was never playing golf again anyway.

Somewhere around the fifth hole last week, it all came back to me. Golf takes too long. Too expensive. I have to drive a half-hour to get there. The shoes. The waiting on every hole. The it’s not really exercise. Looking for lost balls.

This time something new made me crazy.

I was playing with two guys who happened to be pretty decent players. They were shooting mostly pars and bogeys.

According to their scorecards, that is. 

Every time they knocked the ball to within four or five feet of the cup...they picked it up.

“Put me down for a par.”

Finally, I just asked, in an annoying, lecturing sort of way (it’s a gift I have), why are you picking up your ball instead of putting it into the hole?

It’s a “gimme,” they said.  “That’s how golf is played.”

It is? Why? I watch golf on TV. I’ve seen pro players miss putts shorter than what you’re picking up.

I’ve heard all the excuses for gimmes in golf — No. 1 being it speeds up play.

Exactly how much time do gimmes really save? Maybe 15 seconds? If they’re so easy, finish the hole. I’ll wait.

I don’t believe that gimmes are gimmes, especially for everyday weekend players. A 4-foot putt can be tricky business. Don’t tell me you shot 82 if you picked up 15 putts during the round. Not when Ernie Els misses putts that you supposedly never miss. 

Why wouldn’t a golfer want to complete the action of putting the ball in the cup? You do all that work of getting the ball close — and then you pick it up? Where’s the fun in that?

In what other sport do players stop short of completing the action? If LeBron goes into for an uncontested dunk, does he pull up before reaching the hoop and say, “It’s a gimme. Put me down for two points.”

LeBron James misses dunks. Again, YouTube it.

If Roger Federer is at the net for an easy overhead smash, does he let the ball drop and say, “Put me down for 15-love?”

Roger Federer misses easy shots.

Baseball players have to touch all the bases after hitting a home run. It’s the natural rhythm of sports.

You’ve got to close the deal. That’s why we keep score. In everything. If I’m having dinner with someone and we both order the fish...I check who got a bigger piece. That’s who won.

The two guys I played golf with picked up the ball on practically every hole. They said, “It’s a social game, a gentleman’s game, we’re being friendly.”

Then why are you keeping score? “There is no way that you would have made every putt you picked up as a gimme.”

At that point I was a barbarian. “Sorry if I offended you,” one of them said. “I was just trying to move us along faster.”

Don’t give me that. There’s no one behind us. Take your time.

You know something, never mind. Go ahead, pick up your ball. It’s a gimme that I’m done with golf.

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Yainer Diaz is looking more comfortable at the plate. Composite Getty Image.

After dropping a frustrating series to the Chicago White Sox, the Houston Astros find themselves in a familiar position—searching for answers, but still within striking distance. Despite their inconsistency, Houston sits just three games behind the AL West-leading Mariners, who are currently 7 games over .500 and riding an 8-2 stretch. For as up-and-down as the Astros have been, the division remains tantalizingly close.

That inconsistency was on full display throughout the White Sox series. Jake Meyers and Zach Dezenzo each played the roles of both hero and heartbreaker. Dezenzo launched a massive home run in Game 3, a moment that energized the dugout and briefly shifted momentum. But his costly defensive error later in the game flipped the script. Meyers was a spark plug in Houston’s lone win, delivering a clutch performance at the plate, only to run the team out of a rally in the finale when he was picked off second—right before Jeremy Peña ripped what would have been an RBI single.

Jose Altuve’s struggles are quietly becoming more worrisome. He’s recorded just one multi-hit game since April 19 and has only one homer since April 8. On Sunday, he swung at the first pitch after Lance McCullers had grinded through a 33-pitch inning—a decision that raised questions about his awareness in a veteran moment. Should manager Joe Espada have reminded Altuve of the situation? Or is this on Altuve, who should have known what to do as one of the team leaders?

Signs of life

There are flickers of life from the bats. Last week, Houston's team OPS was an underwhelming .667 (23rd in MLB), with a slugging percentage of .357 (25th). They've nudged those numbers up to .684 (19th) and .370 (21st), respectively. It’s modest progress, but enough to suggest this offense might be trending in the right direction. Still, their 5-5 record over the last 10 games feels emblematic of who they are right now—a .500 team with both talent and flaws.

Looking ahead

The upcoming schedule could be a turning point. Three of the next five opponents have losing records, and none of them are elite. This stretch offers a prime opportunity for Houston to finally build momentum and close the gap in the division—assuming the Mariners cool off from their current tear, which seems inevitable given their unsustainable 8-2 pace.

McCullers is officially back!

Lance McCullers returned for the first time since 2022 and, despite being limited to 3.2 innings due to command issues (three walks and a hit batter), there were encouraging signs. His velocity was there, and the stuff looked sharp. It’s a start, and perhaps a step toward stabilizing a rotation that still needs length.

Steering the ship

Manager Joe Espada, however, continues to draw scrutiny. His decision-making in the finale raised eyebrows again. Giving Isaac Paredes a day off when Yordan Alvarez was already sitting left the lineup depleted. Rather than using promising young infielder/outfielder Cam Smith, he opted for Mauricio Dubón and Brendan Rodgers—a defensive combo that didn't inspire confidence. It feels at times like Espada isn’t prioritizing winning the final game of a series, a pattern that could haunt the team down the stretch.

The plot thickens

Meanwhile, Christian Walker’s slump is dragging on. He went 0-for-5 twice in the last two series and looks out of sync at the plate. The Astros need more from their power hitters if they hope to make a real run. And with Alvarez now heading to the IL with hand inflammation, runs will be even harder to come by.

All told, this team still feels like one hovering just above or below .500. But in a division that remains wide open, the path forward is clear: play better, hope the Mariners come back to earth, and capitalize on a soft schedule. The race is far from over—but it’s time for Houston to start acting like contenders.

We have so much more to discuss. Don't miss the video below as we examine the topics above and much, much more!

The MLB season is finally upon us! Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and Charlie Pallilo for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday!

*ChatGPT assisted.

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