GIMME A BREAK
Ken Hoffman on the worst part of golf, and why he's never playing again
Mar 19, 2018, 3:41 pm
Originally appeared on CultureMap
I was on vacation last week and, well, that’s the last time I’m ever playing golf.
It’s not that big a deal, chances were pretty good I was never playing golf again anyway.
Somewhere around the fifth hole last week, it all came back to me. Golf takes too long. Too expensive. I have to drive a half-hour to get there. The shoes. The waiting on every hole. The it’s not really exercise. Looking for lost balls.
This time something new made me crazy.
I was playing with two guys who happened to be pretty decent players. They were shooting mostly pars and bogeys.
According to their scorecards, that is.
Every time they knocked the ball to within four or five feet of the cup...they picked it up.
“Put me down for a par.”
Finally, I just asked, in an annoying, lecturing sort of way (it’s a gift I have), why are you picking up your ball instead of putting it into the hole?
It’s a “gimme,” they said. “That’s how golf is played.”
It is? Why? I watch golf on TV. I’ve seen pro players miss putts shorter than what you’re picking up.
I’ve heard all the excuses for gimmes in golf — No. 1 being it speeds up play.
Exactly how much time do gimmes really save? Maybe 15 seconds? If they’re so easy, finish the hole. I’ll wait.
I don’t believe that gimmes are gimmes, especially for everyday weekend players. A 4-foot putt can be tricky business. Don’t tell me you shot 82 if you picked up 15 putts during the round. Not when Ernie Els misses putts that you supposedly never miss.
Why wouldn’t a golfer want to complete the action of putting the ball in the cup? You do all that work of getting the ball close — and then you pick it up? Where’s the fun in that?
In what other sport do players stop short of completing the action? If LeBron goes into for an uncontested dunk, does he pull up before reaching the hoop and say, “It’s a gimme. Put me down for two points.”
LeBron James misses dunks. Again, YouTube it.
If Roger Federer is at the net for an easy overhead smash, does he let the ball drop and say, “Put me down for 15-love?”
Roger Federer misses easy shots.
Baseball players have to touch all the bases after hitting a home run. It’s the natural rhythm of sports.
You’ve got to close the deal. That’s why we keep score. In everything. If I’m having dinner with someone and we both order the fish...I check who got a bigger piece. That’s who won.
The two guys I played golf with picked up the ball on practically every hole. They said, “It’s a social game, a gentleman’s game, we’re being friendly.”
Then why are you keeping score? “There is no way that you would have made every putt you picked up as a gimme.”
At that point I was a barbarian. “Sorry if I offended you,” one of them said. “I was just trying to move us along faster.”
Don’t give me that. There’s no one behind us. Take your time.
You know something, never mind. Go ahead, pick up your ball. It’s a gimme that I’m done with golf.
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Cam Smith brought three dozen Shipley's glazed donuts to his Houston Astros teammates Thursday morning before his major league debut.
Then he really delivered, with an opposite-field single on the first pitch he saw in the major leagues to help Houston to a 3-1 win over the New York Mets.
“They all liked it, so that’s a good thing," Smith said of the donuts, a sentiment that could also apply to his second-inning hit that set up the first run of the game.
The 22-year-old prospect reached the majors after playing just 32 minor league games. Batting seventh and starting in right field, he became the second-youngest Astros position player to make his MLB debut as a starter on opening day and the youngest since Rusty Staub was 19 in 1963.
With one out in the second, Smith grounded a single to right field on a sinker from Clay Holmes to get his first big league hit in his initial plate appearance. Jeremy Peña dashed from first to third on the play and later scored on a groundout.
“I was just looking for a pitch and I wanted to ambush it and I got lucky with that base hit,” Smith said.
The poise he showed in his debut impressed his coaches and teammates.
“He's amazing," Jose Altuve said. “He went the other way on a tough pitch and he set the tone to score the first run. I know he's going to help this team a lot. He's going to be out there getting better and better. He's just so talented.”
Most believed that Smith, the 14th overall pick in last year’s amateur draft, would need more time in the minors when he was acquired in December from the Chicago Cubs along with Isaac Paredes and Hayden Wesneski as part of the Kyle Tucker trade.
Instead, Smith hit .342 with a triple, four homers, 11 RBIs and a 1.130 OPS this spring to earn a spot on the major league roster.
The Astros announced he’d make the big league roster earlier this week, with manager Joe Espada inviting Smith's mother into the clubhouse to deliver the news. Video of the moment shared by the Astros captured the touching exchange.
After the trade, Smith moved from third base, where Paredes is starting, to right field, where he replaced Tucker.
Still wearing his dirt-stained uniform long after the last pitch Thursday, the kid who was playing college ball at Florida State at this time last year said he hadn’t had time to reflect on his whirlwind journey to the big leagues.
“I have not,” Smith said. “I was just out there with my family on the field appreciating this day and ... good thing we got done early so I can go home and get my feet under myself and think about it.”
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