Boston Dynamics has created a robot dog that can open doors. Boston Dynamics/Facebook

My Monday evening was going along just like any other Monday. I was sitting on my Texas Mattress Makers bed (shout out to my man Youval) going back and forth between catching up on “60 Days In” on television and a day’s worth of mentions that I had missed on Twitter.

Draft question. Answered. Comment about the Rockets. Liked. Comment about something that we said on the radio show. Answered and liked.

Then, I came upon a twitter mention that had no commentary. It was just a retweet of a video (above) and I was tagged in the retweet. I clicked on the video and there it was - a video of a “robot” that was built in the likeness of a dog’s body had taught itself to open a door and walk about (along with another robot dog friend). My first thought was to recall how eerily similar this robot looked to a killer robot dog in a Black Mirror episode entitled Metalhead. This episode was truly terrifying and should be watched immediately.

I retweeted the video and mentioned how terrifying it was. And it is. We are literally teaching these robots to become smarter. Wait… it’s not “we,” it’s Boston Dynamics. This group has also built a robot that looks like an astronaut in full space suit. This robot has been created to do box jumps and backflips. They’ve basically built robot J.J. Watt but with fewer selfies and a more durable back.

(Just a robot with sick hops who can also do a backflip. No big deal.)

Boston Dynamics Must Be Stopped

There is no question that we are watching passively as Robot Murder Dogs and Assassin Bots are being created in the Boston Dynamics labs in Waltham, Massachusetts. All I can think of is that we need to stop them. We need to come together and stop these f*cking robot makers or we will all be wiped out! It starts with the robots learning how to open a door and before you know it, they are cutting your brake lines and putting crushed glass in your oatmeal. Nah, fam. Not me.

Well I’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that they’ve already built 11 different type of robots that all do different things. Cheetah can gallop at 28 MPH, RiSE can climb up the side of building and trees with micro-claws, SandFlea can jump 30 feet vertically, and Handle who is 6 feet tall, runs 9 MPH and has a vertical of 48 inches. We are basically already dead.

Here is how this plays out (according to movie storylines I’ve seen from the '90s.) Bad guy hackers get into the Boston Dynamics database and find a way to alter their Artificial Intelligence so that they learn to kill us. Do you even watch Westworld? You might want to start because they are just laying this sh-- out there right now about how this is going to go down.

The Only Solution

Oh yeah, I gave you the bad news a little earlier, but I forgot to give you the good news! I think I have figured out how we can keep robot dogs and backflipping super Assassin Bots from wrecking our sh-- permanently. We make even more of them and start a sports league. Honestly, I don’t even care which sport it is, let’s just create a focused vision for what we are going to do with them.

I’m sure Boston Dynamics will be down with this because they are probably Patriots fans and are responsible for Tom Brady. Forty year old MVP? FOH, Robot! They might be down with creating more and more robots with different sizes and skills (like they already have) that can eventually populate football, or basketball, or baseball. No more concerns about CTE. No more concerns about escalating ticket prices due to athlete salaries. No more concerns over off-field issues with a robot (unless they are involved in an assassination, of course).

The Netflix show, Black Mirror, is usually spot-on regarding what we might be able to expect in the future from a technological standpoint. Well they were beaten to the punch on this one. In 1990 the game Cyberball 2072 came out where football was played by robots that would collide into each other and throw pass and catch it and do a lot of football things. What made this game so amazing (despite a Metacritic grade of 41%) was that robots were doing football and not doing murdering and hunting of humans. Robots in sports? I say yes.

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How all signs point to Astros having another gear to hit

Now’s the time for the Astros lineup to start hitting its stride. Composite Getty Image.

The easiest way to win in the American League next to an opponent forfeiting the game is getting to play the Chicago White Sox. The Astros are in the “Windy City” this weekend for three games against the woebegone White Sox, most notably featuring Lance McCullers hoping to make some sweet mound music as he pitches in a game that counts for the first time since 2022. In 1979 the White Sox actually didforfeit a game, thanks to Disco Demolition Night. In a marketing idea gone very wrong, the White Sox blew up a big bin of disco records on the field in between games of the scheduled doubleheader. After the explosion, thousands of fans stormed the field, ripping up grass, lighting fires, with several fights inevitably breaking out. The lunacy left the field unplayable, the Detroit Tigers got a free win. The Astros will have to actually play the Chisox to get wins. Sweeping the three isn’t mandatory, but only taking two out of three would actually seem mildly disappointing.

Speaking of disappointing, Yordan Alvarez has to be hoping the calendar turn to May gives him a figurative fresh start. Counting the three games of March with April, Yordan just finished the second-worst calendar month of his career. His anemic .670 OPS through 30 games tops only his August of 2022 (.638). Last season Alvarez never had a month with an OPS lower than .776. In 2023 in what could fairly be described as awesome, Yordan’s OPS was at least .900 every month of the season. Last year, May was his worst month with the .776 OPS. The big man then went off the rest of the way with a .331 batting average and 1.069 OPS.

It’s still fits and starts for Christian Walker, with the downside still winning overall. An almost everyday cleanup hitter still hasn’t reached double digit runs batted in 30 games into the season (Walker has 9). Batting .143 with runners in scoring position tells that tale. It was Walker’s crush job of a home run Monday that jumpstarted an Astros’ comeback win over the Tigers. He followed with a two-hit game Tuesday. Then Wednesday it was five hitless at bats and not once getting the ball out of the infield. Walker enters the weekend batting .196 with a .632 OPS. Jose Abreu’s miserable tenure with the Astros ended with a .217 average and .625 OPS. Too many Walker at bats continue to have him fall in a hole that he will rarely climb out of successfully. He has a whopping 36 plate appearances that have seen the count go to oh and two. That’s 33 percent more than any other Astro (Jeremy Pena has 27). In his at bats that have gotten to the 0-2 count, Walker is three for 32. To be fair, no one makes a good living hitting after the count gets to 0-2. Entering play Thursday the Major League Baseball average in such at bats was .163. Walker is at .094. The great Tony Gwynn posted a .338 career average. In his 706 plate appearances that saw the count get to 0-2, Gwynn hit .268. Jose Altuve is .249 career after facing an 0-2 count.

It’s been an outstanding start for Jeremy Pena in his move to the leadoff spot with Altuve dropping to the two slot. Pena successfully reached base eight times in the three games of the Detroit series. His season on-base percentage is up to .355. If sustainable that would be a substantial improvement over Pena’s weak career .307 OBP mark coming into this season. Pena is faster and a clearly better base runner than Altuve. If the OBP stays up, Pena should have a new long-term home in the batting order.

Garner’s grit endures

In closing, a paragraph in salute to Phil Garner, and also to the Astros for inviting him to throw out the ceremonial first pitch Wednesday, on his 76th birthday. Obviously the magnificence of the past eight seasons trumps all before them in Astros’ history, but it should always be remembered that Garner skippered the Astros to their first ever pennant in 2005. Having gotten to know Phil a little bit through regular radio conversations in his time managing the Astros, a tip of the cap to one of the most engaging people I have met in sports, and a guy who is pretty much unsurpassed as a storyteller. If you missed it, this week brought public disclosure that “Scrap Iron” has been battling pancreatic cancer for over a year now. It’s a tough battle, but everyone who has ever known Phil is aware there was zero chance that he would back down from the battle. It was great seeing him Wednesday in great spirits. In 2029 the Pittsburgh Pirates will celebrate the 50th anniversary of their World Series winning team that was known for “We Are Family,” the Sister Sledge hit song of that time. Amusingly if not ironically, the hit that became Pittsburgh’s theme song came from a group that hailed from Philadelphia. Anyway, in the ‘79 postseason Garner batted a cool .472, .500 in the World Series on 12 for 24 as the Pirates rallied from down three games to one to beat the Baltimore Orioles.

For Astro-centric conversation, join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!

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