Another opening week of NFL football is in the books. Joy and hope abounds, but so does misery and despair. There are a wide variety of emotions across league fan bases. As loyal readers of this column, you guys are aware of my affinity for writing about fan bases and their crazy ways. NFL week one freak out fans is perhaps the funniest bunch. So here for your reading pleasure are a few examples of week one freak out fans:

“We’re going to win the Super Bowl!”

This fan sees the result of the first game of the year and believes his/her team is going to hoist the Lombardi Trophy at season’s end. The most extreme positive overreaction a fan can possibly have is thinking it’s possible. Typically, this fan is the one whose team had reasonably low expectations, but came out guns blazing and most likely beat a team everyone thought they should lose to. Or perhaps they blew out a similar team in spectacular fashion. Either way, there’s no need for this type of sentiment this early given meager expectations. Their conviction is only matched by the stupidity of their takes.

“I think we’ve got a shot.”

Very non-committal optimism describes this base. They tend to waffle on their good fortune after one game, even though they find it hard to hide. This one game is enough to confuse their true feelings for the rest of the season. I can almost guarantee these fans have long-term relationship problems due to commitment issues, but I can’t 100% confirm…well, kind of.

“I don’t think we’re going to the playoffs.”

Pessimism tends to settle in when teams underperform. If this fan’s team barely beats or losses to a team deemed inferior, despite reasonably good expectations to start the season, they will nose dive quicker than the first ducks during hunting season’s opening day. They’ll go all negative on you. From “we’re going to win our division”, to “I don’t think we have what it takes to make playoffs or go far if we do.” These fans tend to blow in the winds of change and up & down like the stock market.

“Who are the top prospects in the 2019 draft?”

Some fan’s expectations are so fragile and weak that one loss has them looking forward to the upcoming draft. Their team didn’t have high hopes to start with. It usually begins the season before. They miss the playoffs, pick in the top third of the draft, and have little to no hope of improving their chances due to roster deficiencies that require more than one good offseason to correct. Best way to describe them: if Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh was an NFL fan base, this would be the category he’d fall in.

If you fall into one of these four categories, I suggest you seek help. Call the hotline for ridiculous sports fans ASAP. If you do not fall into one of these categories, congratulations, but you’re lying to yourselves. Most fans fall into one of these categories after the first game of the NFL season. Remember, “fan” is short for “fanatic.” We all have a little crazy in us. Don’t be ashamed…unless you’re Super Bowl fan after one game. You guys can all swim in the Galveston waters with raw meat bathing suits.