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Have you ever tried to reschedule an Olympic Games? Sure, many of us have postponed weddings – and there are at least two I should've canceled altogether – but those are much smaller affairs to manage. The Olympics? That's got to be the biggest event in the world, even larger than a "Duck Dynasty" Easter egg hunt.
Meanwhile…
Have you ever tried to push a Major League Baseball season back into autumn and winter? It's a scheduling and logistical nightmare – too many games to fit into too tight of a calendar – pitchers and fans won't like the weather and, of course, Houston Astros video equipment might freeze over.
So IOC and MLB officials, used to waking up around noon before strolling to the bank with those oversized checks usually reserved for Publishers Clearing House winners, now are scrambling to get their money trains back on track.
I guess the IOC had the less difficult task: It simply plopped the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo into the exact same time frame in 2021.
Ah, if it were only that easy.
So many factors – housing, venues, food services, security, vendors, et al. Do you know how many sporks have to be reordered for the Olympic Village commissary? Those babies just disappear; sporks are always the first item to walk out of the supply closet.
Heck, rebooking flights – airline change fees alone will kill you – is a financial strain.
It's a massive jigsaw puzzle, and every piece must fit. There are 25 or 30 sports, plus golf; you can't just say, "We're all good schedule-wise except for swimming – swimming doesn't work that week, so, okeydokey, we'll drop swimming."
NBC, naturally, will still be there to televise the 2021 version of the 2020 Summer Olympics, but that still leaves a 7,777-hour gaping crater in its schedule this July 24 to Aug. 9.
Sadly, NBC only has three viewable properties: The Olympics, "The Voice" and "America's Got Talent." And, sure, America's got talent, but I don't know if my beloved, beleaguered homeland has enough talent to fill all the network's needs.
(Column Intermission: With everyone corona safer-at-home at the moment, my immediate family is rather tired of hearing my dulcet tones ranting day and night; our pit mix Daisy is the only one who never leaves the room when I'm talking. So I have started the Couch Slouch podcast – for real, folks – available on your favorite podcasting app. Seeking two-legged listeners.)
As for MLB, it is contemplating a lot of less-than-optimal options.
There is still a glimmer of hope for a June 1 or July 1 start, with the possibility of playing initially at empty stadiums – so, for the Miami Marlins, it would be your typical Opening Day.
MLB might use spring training parks in Florida and Arizona, quarantining the teams in those areas and operating with no crowds until the pandemic allows otherwise.
In any compacted scenario, every day is precious, which means…doubleheaders are back, baby! I assume they will still be separate admission because, even though baseball fans will have no money, the 1 percent still needs to make up for lost yachting-and-penthouse revenue.
Speaking of which, super agent Scott Boras – FYI: "super agent" here is a euphemism for "uber-wealthy" – floated a proposal, and since he negotiated ONE BILLION DOLLARS worth of player contracts this offseason, he has considerable financial interest in this.
Boras wants a summer start, and when the temperatures drop in the fall, he points to 11 stadiums that are either domes or warm-weather sites in which postseason games could be played. He envisions a neutral-site World Series, with Game 6 being played on Christmas.
Christmas? The NBA's holiest day? Wow. Maybe they should play Game 7 in Bethlehem.
Various models have 162-game, 144-game or 100-game seasons. Or – here's a thought – they could just skip to the postseason directly; have Joe Lunardi seed the teams 1 to 30, then engage in autumnal March Madness. Call it September Insanity!
My solution? Play the entire season on Strat-O-Matic Baseball: No weather worries and the Astros can't steal signs.
Ask The Slouch
Q. President Trump spoke Saturday with executives from the NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA, WNBA, PGA, LPGA, WWE, NASCAR and others, but the PBA was not included. What gives? (Larry Snider; Seattle)
A. Underground bowling is flourishing. The White House has its own alley – POTUS should try it some time.
Q. Are you going to follow the government's policy and award all the people who write you the $1.25, or just me? (Bruce Kanter; Laurel, Md.)
A. The government's check should cover you.
Q.The Santa Anita Derby has been postponed due to the coronavirus pandemic. If the horse wears a mask, why should this be a problem? (Mitchell Shapiro; Rockville, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q.Under the new NFLPA agreement, does gambling revenue include all receipts at what will surely be the Oakland-L.A.-Oakland-Las Vegas Raiders Wedding Chapel? (Victoria Dailey; Alexandria, Va.)
A. Pay the lady, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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Looking for an inspiring underdog or a glass slipper lying around in San Antonio? This year's version of the Final Four is not for you.
Fittingly for an NCAA Tournament in which big schools from big conferences took record numbers of spots in the first week, then hogged them all for the Sweet 16, the last week will bring a collection of all four teams seeded No. 1 to the sport's biggest stage to play for the title.
When Florida meets Auburn in an all-Southeastern Conference clash and Duke faces Houston in a meeting between the Atlantic Coast and Big 12 conferences, it will mark only the second time since seeding began in 1979 that all four No. 1s have made it to the final weekend.
The last time it happened, in 2008, one of the teams was Memphis, which hailed from Conference USA.
This time around, there are no mid-majors or small majors. Only the best teams from the best conferences — except the Big Ten, which will hasn't had a team win it all since 2000 — who also have the nation's best players.
Here's a look at the best player on each team (for Auburn, Duke and Florida, they are AP All-Americans ), along with another who might make an impact in San Antonio once the games start Saturday.
Johni Broome and Tahaad Pettiford, Auburn
Broome hit his elbow hard in the second half of the Tigers' 70-64 win over Michigan State. He left the court, but then came back, saying team doctors told him there was nothing wrong. He averages 18 points and nearly 11 rebounds and had 20-10 games in both wins this week. Clearly, his health will be a storyline.
If NBA scouts only look at backup guard Pettiford's tournament, where he has averaged 17.2 points and sparked Auburn on a huge run in the Sweet 16 win against Michigan, they'd pick him in the first round. If they look at his overall body of work, they might say he still needs work. Either way, he could be a difference-maker over two games.
Cooper Flagg and Khaman Maluach, Duke
There are times — see the 30-point, seven-rebound, six-assist skills clinic against BYU — when Flagg just looks like he's toying with everyone. There are other times — see Saturday's win over Alabama — when he looks human. Which is more than enough, considering all the talent surrounding him.
Maluach is 7-foot-2 and has a standing reach of 9-8. If any opponent overplays him, they can expect a lob for an alley-oop dunk. He shot 12 for 15 over Sweet 16 weekend, and pretty much all the shots were from 4 feet or closer.
Walter Clayton Jr. and Will Richard, Florida
Clayton made the tying and go-ahead 3s in Florida's ferocious comeback against Texas Tech. He finished with 30 points and his coach, Todd Golden, said, “There’s not another player in America you would rather have right now than Walter Clayton with the ball in his hands in a big-time moment.”
During one two-game stretch in February, Richard had two points in one contest and 21 the next. During another, he scored zero, then 30. Fill in the blanks here, but he could be a big factor for the Gators either way.
Joseph Tugler and L.J. Cryer, Houston
Fittingly for the team with the nation's best defense, a player who only averages 5.5 points could be the most valuable for the Cougars. Tugler is on everyone's all-defense list, and for Houston to have any chance at stopping Flagg, it'll have to figure out ways to use Tugler to do it.
Cryer is Houston's leading scorer at 15.2 points a game. If the Cougars end up as national champs, it will have to be because he played the two best games of his life.