Rock 'n' Roll!

You heard it here first: the definitive Texans prediction for Week 1 and beyond

The Texans will be underdogs each week. Photo by Tom Pennington/Getty Images.

Spring may be the time when, according to the English poet Alfred Lord Tennyson, "a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of love."

But this is fall, at least we're pretty darn close, and in America everybody's obsession turns to thoughts of football.

The National Football League's 102nd season starts a week from today with a larrupin' (awesome word) clash between the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Dallas Cowboys. It's the defending Super Bowl champs with the greatest quarterback ever against America's Team with their star quarterback returning from injury, on a Thursday night which otherwise hasn't been "Must See TV" since the '90s when Friends, Seinfeld, Frasier and E.R. ruled prime time.

Other marquee matchups following on Sunday, pick'em: Seahawks-Colts, Steelers-Bills, Browns-Chiefs, Dolphins-Patriots, and Packers-Saints.

It's much easier to dial in the Stinker of the Week: that's right here at NRG Stadium: the Jacksonville Jaguars (1-15 last year) against our soap opera Houston Texans, saddled with a new general manager, new head coach, sadly the old owner and a $156 million quarterback sentenced to time out while 22 civil suits and 10 criminal investigations involving sexual misconduct wind their way through the legal system. Oh, and the quarterback hates being here and wants to be traded no matter what.

Hurricane season ain't got nothing on the ill winds that'll be blowing at NRG Stadium this year. After 20 years of rock solid sell-outs and a season ticket waiting list 60,000 deep, the Texans are practically begging "who needs 2?" on TV commercials. Face value is merely a far-fetched asking price for tickets on StubHub and those friendly vendors lining Kirby on game day. Like the audience yells on The Price is Right … "lower!"

In other NFL cities fans worry, "What will we do if our first-string quarterback gets injured and we have to play our backup?" We don't have that problem. Our superstar quarterback won't be injured this year, he's perfectly healthy on the inactive list, and we're starting his backup. And all bets are off if our third-round rookie gets the call.

The Texans offense looks so dreary that if they do score a touchdown, radio play-by-play announcer Marc Vandermeer may shout "Waltz in D Minor!" instead of his once-appropriate "Rock 'n' Roll!"

Phillip Lindsay is the No. 1 running back on the Texans' depth chart. Hey, where's that running back we got in a trade for maybe the best, most exciting receiver in the league last year? That's him on the bench. Probably soon the injured list.

Up and down the roster, it's not a who's who? It's just a who? The Texans just cut their most famous player – Simone Biles' boyfriend.

Over the next few days, you'll hear sports talk hosts dust off a traditional time-killer, predicting all 17 games for the Texans this season (there won't be an 18th). I'll save them and their listeners the effort: barring upsets that will crunch bookies' private parts, the Texans will lose all 17, an unchallenged record for football futility.

They'll be underdogs each week. They're 3-point dogs at home Week One against a team that won one measly game all last year. Wait till the Texans go on the road to Cleveland and Buffalo. The Texans will be hoping for a Saturday night call from the governor.

All is not bleak for the Texans, however. Why just today the Texans mascot Toro was named NFL Mascot of the Year. It's something.

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The Houston Texans went into Jacksonville on Sunday as big underdogs and looking for their first win of the season. And CJ Stroud and company did not disappoint.

Houston won the game 37-17 behind another impressive performance from Stroud, who once again did not throw an interception. Stroud got the ball out quickly, and took a couple calculated deep shots to Tank Dell, that eventually led to 14 points for the offense.

Behind a banged up offensive line, Stroud managed not to get sacked, and appears to be the real deal after just three games. Houston's offense under Bobby Slowik looked faster and more crisp this week, which should have Texans fans excited about the growth of this young team.

In past years, this would be a situation where the Texans got too conservative, and let the opponent back in the game. It's early, but this feels like a new and improved version of the team. They were looking to win the game, as opposed to trying not to lose it. The coaching staff was comfortable relying on Stroud to pass the ball to put the game out of reach.

Scoring on a kick return certainly played a role in the victory, but that shouldn't overshadow Stroud's poise in the second half.

The running game struggled for most of the day, so Houston had to rely on their rookie QB to keep the offense on track. The most important development from the game has to be the realization that the Texans have found their franchise QB.

DeMeco Ryans' defense should also be commended for keeping Trevor Lawrence in check. They weren't able to sack him, but they kept enough pressure on him to hold their offense to 17 points, allowing the Texans offense to put the game away.

Be sure to watch the video above as we break down all the action from Sunday, and discuss just how bright the future looks with CJ Stroud taking snaps for the Texans.

Don't miss Texans on Tap (a Texans podcast) every Monday on SportsMap Texans' YouTube channel.

And listen to ESPN 97.5 and 92.5 FM for Houston's best sports talk.

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