Upon even further review, NFL replay isn't solving anything

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In an adult lifetime of myriad miscalculation, I have been absolutely right about only three things – the delight of Popeyes chicken, the danger of the Internet and the disaster of replay as an officiating tool.

This must be at least the seventh time I have written about replay after pledging to never write about replay again.

Since the first version of replay was used by the NFL in 1986, I have argued that this is a long road to ruin. For those of you just joining us in America, let's review the basics again:

Replay shatters the flow of the game.

Replay reduces the spontaneous joy of the game.

Replay changes how we watch the game.

All of this in the name of the mantra of replay ruffians: We've got to get it right.

Actually, we don't have to get it right – a missed call here and there has yet to tumble any republic – and, actually, despite all the time they take, they sometimes still don't get it right.

For a moment, let's give the yahoos the benefit of the doubt and assume that, with replay, they now get it right all of the time.

So what?

Are we better off?

If replay were used during, say, a honeymoon, I guess that might ensure that eventually you would get it right, but it really takes all the romance out of it, no?

In certain areas of life, getting it is right is simply not that critical.

Yes, with education, health care and climate change, you want to get it right.

But pass interference?

A nation turns its lonely eyes to the side judge?

During the Chiefs-Raiders game on CBS Sept. 15, Jim Nantz and Tony Romo were talking about how the standard for the challenge to overturn a call or a non-call on pass interference is "egregious," not just that it is "clear and obvious." Huh? It either is or isn't – why is it a matter of degree? Isn't the replay done to take out the subjective element and this just adds a subjective element to it?

Heck, my Twitter account filed a workers comp suit against me for the overload caused by all the pass-interference contretemps in last Thursday night's Eagles-Packers game.

Pass interference is this season's holy grail of replay; it was inevitable. Slowly but surely, we will reach the point in which every play of every game is reviewed.

For replay as an officiating tool, my friends, is a slippery slope, which causes "slippery slope syndrome" – from the Latin slopus slipperitis syndromus – first identified by Eratosthenes on a Carnivalus Cruise to Crete in 223 B.C.

Are some of you still baffled by the perils of a slippery slope?

Basically, it is a slope that is slippery. Why is this important? Because when you are on a slope, it is hard to get solid footing because you are on a slope. And if it's real slippery, boy oh boy, every time you try to get traction, you slip a little and then you slip a little more and, sooner or later, in your attempt to climb the slope or even just maintain your position on the slope, you discover you've slipped to the bottom of the slope.

And do you know what is at the bottom of the slope?

A lot of people who have made their bed and now everybody – players, coaches, fans, on-field officials, replay officials, NFL officiating center honchos in New York, yammering talking heads on TV and radio – has to lie in it. That is one crowded bed; it's no wonder somebody falls off of it from time to time.

Anyway, I have been told repeatedly that once we began this replay routine, we could never return to the old ways. Uh, guess what? You can put the genie back in the bottle, and if you bought the bottle at Costco, they will even refund your money, no questions asked.

Incidentally, did you see what happened to the Saints last season against the Rams in the NFC championship game? That had to be pass interference – how come that wasn't a big deal?

Ask the slouch

Q.WAR (Wins Above Replacement) seems to be the rage with MLB stat freaks. If WAR could be calculated for sportswriters, any idea what yours might be? (Joel Miller; Pittsburgh)

A. In sportswriting, we have EAR (Expenses Above Replacement); as someone who only consumes yogurt and Yuengling on business trips, I believe my numbers would be the envy of the industry.

Q.If I take your advice and stop actually bowling to watch bowling, can I get paid for it like Eli Manning is getting paid to watch football? (Tom Logan; Sterling, Va.)

A. Uh, I didn't tell anybody to stop bowling so they could watch bowling. YOU CAN DO BOTH. Geez. You bowl during business hours and you watch DVR'd bowling after business hours. How hard is that?

Q.Maryland football this season has won, 79-0, and lost, 59-0. Does a Maryland education prepare its student-athletes for such emotional swings? (Lisa Epstein; Lansing, Mich.)

A. A Maryland education generally prepares its student-athletes for the night shift at Jiffy Lube.

Q. Is it true that the NFL is suing SeaWorld for exclusive use of the term "Dolphin Tank"? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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Listen Live

The Longhorns host Georgia on Saturday night. Photo by Alex Slitz/Getty Images.

By any measure, from the official statistics to the informal eye test, top-ranked Texas' defense has been dominant.

The Longhorns rank No. 1 in total defense and scoring defense. They are top 10 in first downs allowed, tackles for loss and passing yards. Much of that is built against opponents starting former walk-on quarterbacks ( Michigan ) and freshmen ( Mississippi State and Oklahoma.)

But the level of quarterback play Texas will face, in both talent and experience, is about to get much better over the second half of the season.

Texas hosts No. 5 Georgia on Saturday night in the first matchup of top five teams in Austin since 2006, before playing the next week at Vanderbilt. Bulldogs senior Carson Beck was a preseason first team Associated Press All-America pick, and standout Vanderbilt transfer Diego Pavia has carried the Commodores to a surprising 4-2 start, including a historic win over then-No. 1 Alabama.

Quite simply, Texas hasn't defended this caliber of quarterback all season.

Beck is a player on the doorstep of the NFL, Texas coach Steve Sarkisian said.

“There's nothing in the throw game (Beck) can't do,” Sarkisian said. “He's played enough football now, too. It's kind of hard to confuse guys when they've played that much football.”

Texas (6-0, 2-0 SEC) has allowed just one team to pass for more than 200 yards this season. Beck passed for 459 yards, three touchdowns and two interceptions last week in a 41-31 win over Mississippi State. His 36 completions set a Georgia record.

Even when Beck struggled early in Georgia's loss to Alabama, he rallied the Bulldogs to a late fourth-quarter lead. He finished with 439 yards in the loss where Georgia's rally ended with an Alabama interception in the end zone in the final minute.

Sarkisian recruited Beck when the Texas coach was an assistant at Alabama. Beck had initially committed to the Crimson Tide before switching to Georgia.

Beck is 18-2 in his career as a starter, and 6-2 against top 20 opponents.

The Bulldogs (5-1, 3-1) will need another exceptional game from him Saturday. A second SEC loss could threaten any chance of playing for the SEC championship, and raise the alarms on the College Football Playoff as well.

Texas has all but overwhelmed opposing quarterbacks so far.

In last week's 34-3 thrashing of rival Oklahoma, the Longhorns sacked Sooners freshman quarterback Michael Hawkins Jr. five times, and held him to 27 yards on 20 carries. Texas allowed just 225 total yards.

Hawkins was the first Sooners freshman to start at quarterback against the Longhorns in the 120-year history of the rivalry and was quickly swallowed up by a relentless pass rush.

By the numbers, the Longhorns program is on pace for a historic season. Sarkisian has said his favorite stat is points allowed, which is not many.

Texas has surrendered only three touchdowns all season. Opponents have snatched four turnovers inside Texas territory, but none have produced points.

That ability to snuff momentum can drain an opponent, Sarkisian said.

“We're so composed as a defense,” Texas safety Michael Taaffe said. “We're so confident, that no matter what happens, everything is going to be alright.”

The only time Texas has trailed this season was a 3-0 early deficit against Oklahoma. Several Longhorns starters were still on the field when the Sooners' final drive stalled at the Texas 6-yard-line as the game ended.

The stars emerging for the Longhorns have been second-year linebacker Anthony Hill Jr. and freshman edge rusher Colin Simmons.

Hill leads the team in total tackles (42), sacks (4 1/2) and tackles for loss (8 1/2). His sideline-to-sideline speed and move this season from the edge to the middle of the Texas defense has drawn comparisons to former Longhorns All-American Derrick Johnson 20 years ago.

Simmons has four sacks and 7 1/2 tackles for losses, second on the team in both categories.

“Size, speed,” Georgia coach Kirby Smart said in summing up the Texas defense.

“They’re the complete package on defense," Smart said. "The consistency you watch them play with, it reminds me of some of our best teams here.”By any measure, from the official statistics to the informal eye test, top-ranked Texas' defense has been dominant.