The Couch Slouch
Where the Astros cheating controversy ranks among history's scandals
Jan 20, 2020, 6:55 am
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So the Houston Astros, using cameras and video monitors and a labyrinthine baseball-bat-and-trash-can notification system, were stealing signs from opposing teams. From all indications, this is cheating and this is not kosher.
Let me just clarify that:
You are allowed to steal signs, you just can't do it electronically. In other words, it is really not wrong until you utilize the best means of technology.
Got it. I accept this, because, well, I don't feel like arguing this.
(I guess I'm glad the medical profession doesn't use this same standard. Uh, we could treat your headaches with Ibuprofen and heating pads, but let's stick with the ancient method of an elixir containing human blood and drilling a hole in the skull to relieve pressure.)
The Astros deserved MLB's punishment, but, as a student of history, Couch Slouch would like to point out that there have been multiple instances of similar swindling, defrauding, scamming, flimflamming, hoodwinking, fleecing, shafting, video-sign-stealing chicanery in modern and pre-modern times.
For your edification, here are some prominent examples:
Socrates and Plato: In an attempt to outsmart his perpetually smug teacher at the third annual Greek National Spelling Bee held at the Grand Hyatt Athens in 401 B.C., Plato sparked controversy by employing shadow puppets on the brightly lit north wall of the banquet hall to help him spell out different entries. The winning word: "aëricumbens."
Marie Antoinette: The somewhat unpopular queen of France hired a sketch artist to secretly document agitators cutting into bread lines. Once the drawings were discovered, along with a recording of her saying, "Qu'ils mangent de la brioche!" she was guillotined on Oct. 16, 1793 outside of a Le Pain Quotidien just before the lunch rush.
Burr-Hamilton duel: On the morning of July 11, 1804, Vice President Aaron Burr and former Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton met at a dueling ground in Weehawken, N.J., near Bed Bath & Beyond. They agreed to stand back-to-back, then each would take 10 paces before firing. But Burr had one of his seconds hold a large vanity mirror in front of him, so he could see precisely where Hamilton was at the conclusion of the 10 steps. Burr then fired a fatal shot into Hamilton's lower abdomen.
Battle of the Little Bighorn: As George Armstrong Custer led U.S. troops toward Little Bighorn Valley on June 25, 1876, Lakota chief Crazy Horse utilized two sublime tactics to outmaneuver the lieutenant colonel: A primitive GPS device, tracking the government soldiers' movement via Pringles left on the incoming trail, combined with smoke signals sent back to the camp. This allowed Native American forces to ambush Custer and his infantry.
"Rear Window": In direct violation of HOA regulations, photographer J.J. "Jeff" Jefferies – confined to his condo because of a broken leg – routinely used binoculars to eavesdrop on his Greenwich Village neighbors in 1954. This led him to witnessing a marital spat, followed by his suspicions that the husband killed his wife and buried something incriminating in the garden. The neighbor was arrested but eventually acquitted of murder charges while Jefferies got convicted under the city's recently enacted peeping Tom laws.
Macy's vs. Gimbels: During the famed department-store rivalry in the 1960s and '70s, Gimbels – using a Polaroid camera with a telephoto lens – took snapshots of Macy's shoppers' credit cards as they paid at the register to steal customers. Did Gimbels tell Macy's? No. But Macy's found out through an anonymous whistleblower; Gimbels lost face and went out of business in 1986.
New York City garbage strike: Boy, the streets sure stank of garbage when the sanitation workers walked out in 1968. Teamsters leaders sped up talks the old-fashioned way – they woke up city negotiators each morning with one trash can thrown through a living room window, with two trash cans on off-days and three on weekends. When all else failed, they took a baseball bat to Mayor John Lindsay's office and asked him if he wanted to step outside.
New England Patriots: Uh, duh.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Agent Drew Rosenhaus terminated his relationship with Antonio Brown until the free-agent wide receiver seeks help. Exactly what type of help? (Ron Kirkpatrick; Chicago)
A. Frankly, I thought Brown might end his relationship with Rosenhaus until ITAL he END ITAL got help.
Q. Are the regular LSU boosters annoyed they were not invited to personally hand out cash to the players in the Superdome after the championship win? (Mike Soper; Washington, D.C.)
A. Nah, that was scheduled for the Red Lobster in Baton Rouge the following afternoon.
Q. Given their history, would it count toward diversity if the Cleveland Browns hired their first competent coach? (Rich Tucker; Falls Church, Va.)
A. We may never find out.
Q. Would MLB have considered managing the Mets punishment enough for Carlos Beltran's role in the Astros cheating scandal? (Stuart Gavurin; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
The Houston Texans addressed their most glaring needs by selecting offensive tackle Aireontae Ersery and a pair of Iowa State receivers in the NFL draft.
“The idea was to try to add good players, good people that are young, tough, hungry, that want to win, that put the team first,” general manager Nick Caserio said. “These picks exemplify that.”
The Texans got players that could help them quickly despite not picking in the first round for a second straight season. They didn’t have a first-round pick last year because of trades, including the one to move up and get defensive end Will Anderson with the third overall pick in the 2023 draft.
This season they shipped the 25th overall pick to the Giants on Thursday in exchange for several picks.
Their first selection in this draft was receiver Jayden Higgins, who was taken with the second pick of the second round. They added Ersery later in the second round with the 48th overall selection and picked up Higgins’ teammate Jaylin Noel in the third round.
Ersery could be Houston’s left tackle of the future after the offseason trade of five-time Pro Bowl left tackle Laremy Tunsil. Ersery started 38 games at left tackle over three seasons at Minnesota where he was a third-team All-American last season.
He comes to Houston to help shore up a line that allowed C.J. Stroud to be sacked 52 times last season, which was the second most in the NFL.
The Texans added veteran tackle Cam Robinson this offseason and Ersery will compete with him to protect Stroud’s blind side as the Texans attempt to reach the playoffs for a third straight season under coach DeMeco Ryans.
The 6-foot-6, 331-pound Ersery, who was the Big Ten’s Offensive Lineman of the Year last season, can’t wait to play with Stroud.
“C.J. Stroud is a baller,” Ersery said. “I’m so honored to be a guy to help out and come in and help protect him. I’m just super stoked and I know I’m going to a great organization.”
Cyclones teammates
Higgins and Noel join the Texans to add more depth at receiver to complement star Nico Collins with Tank Dell recovering from a serious knee injury and Stefon Diggs gone to the Patriots.
Higgins, who has been compared to Collins, had 87 receptions for 1,183 yards and nine touchdowns last season for the Cyclones and Noel added 80 catches for 1,194 yards and eight scores.
After Higgins was drafted, Noel never imagined he’d be heading to Houston, too. He shared on social media a fortune he received from a Chinese restaurant that read: “Look forward to an unplanned reunion with an out-of-touch friend.”
Noel later shared his feelings about joining Higgins on the roster.
“I was surprised,” Noel said. “But they’ve seen that 1-2 punch all year. They’re going to be very happy with those selections for sure.”
Caserio said a talk with Iowa State coach Matt Campbell on Friday helped him make his final decisions on the receivers.
“He was effusive in his… belief and praise of both Higgins and Noel,” Caserio said.
The Texans now have three receivers from Iowa State on their roster after drafting Xavier Hutchinson in the sixth round in 2023.
Overcoming obstacles
Ersery and his four siblings were raised by a single mother and experienced homelessness when he was a child despite her working multiple jobs. He is thrilled to have put those struggles behind him as he embarks on his next chapter.
“I’ve got that hardworking mentality from her,” he said. “So, growing up times were tough but now I’ve got my foot in the door and I look forward to trying to change some things around.”
Caserio loves guys with work ethic like Ersery’s and said that’s one reason why they believe he’ll fit in with the Texans.
“If you come in and put your head down and work and just get better, take advantage of your opportunities, you’re going to have a shot to have success and do a lot of good things for the organization,” he said.
What’s in a name?
Along with Noel, the Texans added another Jaylin in this draft with they picked USC cornerback Jaylin Smith in the third round.
“We got Jaylins, and we got all these guys around. It’s going to be hard to keep them straight,” Caserio joked on Friday after they picked Smith.
Then on Saturday, the Texans added another player with the same name, albeit with a different spelling, when they took Penn State safety Jaylen Reed in the sixth round.
That gives them four players with the same name and three different spellings as the three rookies join starting safety Jalen Pitre on the team.
Doubling up
Along with drafting two players from Iowa State, the Texans also added a pair of players from Southern California when they picked running back Woody Marks in the fourth round after drafting Smith in the third.
Marks ran for a career-high 1,133 yards with nine touchdowns for the Trojans last season after transferring from Mississippi State.
Be sure to watch the video below as NFL.com Draft Analyst Lance Zierlein shares his thoughts on all the Texans' picks!