HOLIDAY JEER
The 12 nightmares of Christmas from the Texans 34-6 loss to the Steelers
Dec 25, 2017, 6:32 pm
The Steelers were a nightmare for T.J. Yates. Bob Levey/Getty Images
I was in a rock band in the early 1980s, and we wanted to write a Christmas song. So we came up with a metal classic called Christmas in Hell. The lyrics were bad, and it was basically three chords with loud, screaming guitars. The chorus was pretty simple:
Your skin on fire, searing flesh you will smell
Come on down and spend Christmas in hell
Texans fans know that feeling all too well. Sunday’s game with the Steelers was another predictably hellish experience in what has been a nightmare season all around. So in honor of the season, we provide the 12 nightmare gifts of Christmas, Texans style, from Monday’s 34-6 loss to Pittsburgh. The Texans were not supposed to win this game -- the Steelers are one of the best in the league -- but for a second straight week they failed to compete. (And yes, this is a stretch, but you try writing about this disaster of a team on a weekly basis).
A partridge in a pear tree
One of the rare times in the first half where the Texans mustered some offense, they had third and goal at the one foot line. They had run the ball down the field with efficiency. But they threw on third down, then again on fourth when it was intercepted. Typically awful Bill O’Brien playcalling in the red zone. Bird in the hand, Bill. Run the bleeping ball.
Two turtle doves
For the second week in a row, the Texans were dead at halftime. It was 31-0 last week, 20-0 this week. The Texans turtled up...again after that.
Three french hens
Try French toast instead. Specifically the secondary. Jonathan Joseph, Kevin Johnson and Andre Hal all took turns getting burned. This unit has been bad all year and Monday was no exception.
Four calling birds
Something called Taylor Heinicke became the fourth player to call signals (see what I did there?) for the Texans at quarterback this season when he took a snap late in the second quarter. The offense generated minus-7 passing yards in the first half. T.J. Yates suffered a potential concussion late in the half. Yates was 2 of 7 for 8 yards, a pick, a fumble and was sacked four times in the first half alone. Henicke then had his own head injury after one series and Yates returned. Yates would finish 7 of 16 for a paltry 83 yards, a touchdown and the pick and fumble.
Five golden rings
In the five game losing streak, the Texans have celebrated a touchdown just five times. They have just two in the last two games. Your team simply has no chance when you generate no offense. Considering how well they ran the football against the Steelers, it’s hard to imagine they got just one TD but the non-existent passing game was a killer.
Six geese a laying
Speaking of laying eggs, let’s go with the offensive line, with another poor effort in pass protection, although they did run block well. They often played with an offensive lineman at the tight end position, (so six at once, so this kind of works). And they all laid eggs at some point.
Seven swans a swimming
The Texans front seven on defense struggled to get to Ben Roethlisburger. The group has been riddled by injuries, and at this point is fielding the equivalent of a third unit. Jadeveon Clowney, Bernardick McKinney and rookie Zach Cunningham played OK at times, but they simply do not have enough help. Even when Clowney finally managed a sack, he got called for a facemask. This group is...swimming upstream?
Eight maids a milking
The Texans as a team managed EIGHT completions. EIGHT. They were sacked almost as many times, with seven. They managed to, um, milk those catches for 51 team passing yards.
Nine ladies dancing
Props to the Steelers for their celebration after LeVeon Bell’s second half touchdown. They danced around and had a snowball fight. The relaxed celebration rules have led to a lot of fun ones, and this one was very good. Meanwhile, Steelers fans also won the day. They made NRG sound like Heinz south and at least made it sound like a meaningful game -- even if it was the other team. So lots of dancing fans, too.
10 lords a leaping
How about No. 10? DeAndre Hopkins made yet another highlight reel catch for a touchdown in the fourth quarter. He has simply been amazing this year, and one of the few bright spots in a lost season. The catch was the only real highlight for a team that never had a chance.
11 pipers piping
Let’s give this one to the Steelers defense, which locked down the Texans all day. They did give up a lot of rushing yards, but they also completely shut down the passing game.
12 drummers drumming
And the beat goes on, so one drummer for each drumming the Texans will have taken this year, as they fell to an embarrassing 4-11 on the season and will likely lose again to the Colts next week to finish 4-12.
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Each football game of a season carries much more weight than one game in a 162 Major League Baseball schedule. That reality, combined with the National Football League campaign opening and with it the most anticipated season in Texans’ history, the Astros are relegated to second banana this weekend. Just the way it goes despite the Astros’ phenomenal extended run from 10 games out of first place in mid-June to now having control of the American League West race and a likely (though definitely not yet certain) eighth consecutive year of postseason play.
It is reality that getting swept out of Cincinnati cost the Astros two games in the standings to Seattle the last two days and trimmed their division lead to four and a half games going into this weekend. There was nothing shameful about getting swept. It’s not as if they choked. They got outplayed and beaten in all three games. Stuff happens within a 162-game season. The 2019 Astros were vastly better than the 2024 Astros. The 2019 ‘Stros posted the best record in franchise history at 107-55. In Justin Verlander and Gerrit Cole they had the two best pitchers in the AL. The Reds finished 75-87 in ’19. In the lone Astros-Reds series five years ago, Verlander and Cole started two of the three games. The Reds swept the Astros out of Cincy by scores of 3-2, 4-3, and 3-2. Stuff happens. The following week the Astros called up Yordan Alvarez. There is no Yordan coming to fortify the offense now, but wait! Is that Kyle Tucker's music?
The Astros host the NL champs this weekend
It’s highly unlikely but it’s still a possible World Series preview at Minute Maid Park this weekend with the Astros home for three games versus the Arizona Diamondbacks. The reigning National League Champions woke up under .500 July 11, but since then have been sizzling with 33 wins against just 15 losses. Over the same time frame the Astros are 27-21. The Diamondbacks by a large margin have scored the most runs in MLB this season, and that’s while playing the last nearly three weeks without Ketel Marte because of a high ankle sprain. Marte has been far and away the best second baseman in the game this year. He may return this weekend in a designated hitter role. The Arizona offense overall has been sensational, however it has vulnerability against left-handed pitching, in significant part because it typically takes lefty-hitting platoon beast Joc Pederson out of the lineup. The D’Backs are 55-35 in games facing right-handed starters, just 24-27 in games started by opposing southpaws. The Astros have lefties Framber Valdez and Yusei Kikuchi set to go in the first two games this weekend. While the Astros deal with the Diamondbacks the Mariners are in St. Louis for three against the Cardinals.
Eleven Diamondbacks have had at least 200 plate appearances this season. Only one of them has an OPS below .725. The Astros also have 11 guys with at least 200 PAs. Five of them lug around sub-.715 OPSes: Jeremy Pena (.714), Jake Meyers (.664), Mauricio Dubon (.645), Jon Singleton (.697), and Chas McCormick (.566).
Maximizing Tucker's return
Speaking of returns, Tucker fiiiiiiinally should see action for the first time since his June 3 bone bruise. Oh wait, broken leg. Shame on the Astros for their BSing over this and other injuries. Yeah, Alex Bregman slept funny. Whatever. To boost the lineup Tucker doesn’t have to be the .979 OPS MVP candidate he was when felled. Ben Gamel has done some good work, but over time he’s Ben Gamel. Same for Jason Heyward. If Tucker's legs are under him his power is a B-12 shot and only Yordan is in his league in on-base percentage. Joe Espada has decisions to make as to how slot the batting order. Against a right-handed starter Jose Altuve, Tucker, Alvarez, Yainer Diaz, Bregman one through five makes sense with Tucker dropping down below Yainer against a left-handed starter. No question those are the top five in some order. How much of a workload Tucker is ready for bears watching. Presumably he doesn’t initially play the outfield day in day out. When Tucker DHs obviously Bregman (and Yordan) can’t so Alex’s ailing elbow holding up is key. One might say hopefully the bone chips don’t fall where they may. Tuesday the Astros start a stretch playing 16 days in a row.
Keep hope alive!
If you’re an Astros fan holding out hope of chasing down the second seed to avoid having to play the best-of-three Wild Card series, say it with me, whatever nausea it may induce: “Go Dodgers Go!” Hurt as it might, business is business. The Dodgers play host to the Guardians. The Astros trail Cleveland by five games with just 22 to play, but do finish the regular season with three games at Cleveland. It's pretty much over for the Astros to catch both the Orioles and Yankees.
Season-long trends mean nothing once the playoffs start, and that’s a good thing for the Astros provided they are in the playoffs. They continue to flat out stink in close games. Thursday’s 1-0 loss to the Reds has the Astros record in one-run games at 15-24. In two-run games they are 10-14. Correlatively, the Astros also continue to routinely fail late in close games. The Astros have played 14 games that were tied after seven innings. They have lost 11 of the 14. In games tied after eight innings they are 7-13. Every team loses an extremely high percentage of games when trailing after eight innings, but the Astros haven’t pulled out a single game they’ve trailed going to the ninth. 0-50. Oh and fifty. But hey, the White Sox are 0-92!
*Catch our weekly Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast. Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and I discuss varied Astros topics. The first post for the week generally goes up Monday afternoon (second part released Tuesday) via The SportsMap HOU YouTube channel or listen to episodes in their entirety at Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts.