THE COUCH SLOUCH
23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss
Sep 16, 2019, 6:57 am
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Jeremy Schaap
These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:
1. They say that nobody gets out alive – I assume they are referring to ESPN's First Take.
2. Every time I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can't believe how long the wait is – the food's good, but not that good. College football on TV is sort of the same thing.
3. I would compare Norman Esiason's 18-year run on CBS's The NFL Today favorably with J. Edgar Hoover's 37-year run as FBI director.
4. Here's the thing about ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball: It's unwatchable and unlistenable, which, put in layman's terms, means it's hard to watch and hard to listen to.
5. All I do is tell people to watch more bowling on TV, and all people do is ignore me.
6. I wanted to invite ESPN's Jeremy Schaap and his wife Joclyn over for dinner recently, but we couldn't rent a butler in time.
7. Fellow Terp Scott Van Pelt is so good on SportsCenter, I almost forgive him his blind spot on University of Maryland athletics.
8. Bob Costas is growing on me.
(Column Intermission I: Virtually completing our descent into cultural hell, cbssports.com's Chris Trapasso now offers regular power rankings of NFL practice-squad players. This is likely the final piece in the puzzle for the fast-growing NFL practice-squad fantasy sports industry. For the record, Cardinals quarterback Kyle Sloter – boy, the kid's got great arm talent and eye discipline – currently is ranked No. 1.)
9. If it's all about "launch angle," I suspect Albert Einstein would've been an incredible baseball GM and sports bettor.
10. I always read Barstool Sports' website while on the can to cut out the middleman.
11. One day FS1's Doug Gottlieb will say something that I write down, and when I look at it a bit later, I'll actually think, "Yeah, that makes sense."
12. If Woodstock had morphed into an annual music festival, I'm guessing Joe Lunardi would have another specialty.
13. I understand that MTV doesn't show music videos anymore, but how come every time I turn on the Golf Channel to watch a golf tournament, they're not showing any golf?
14. I hate to state the obvious, but why wouldn't the NFL consider Tuesday Night Football and Wednesday Night Football as well?
15. It is a statistical improbability that no one from esports, cornhole or darts telecasts has called me to provide commentary.
16. The day that synchronized swimming incorporates replay challenges, I'll know it's all but over.
(Column Intermission II: Here is verbatim analysis from Alex Rodriguez during a recent Phillies-Mets game on ESPN: "You always want even leads, versus odd leads. Why? The solo home run doesn't tie it and the grand slam does not beat you." I don't know where to start, so I won't.)
17. In medieval times, every town had a village idiot. Now, there is FS1's Speak for Yourself.
18. While in the middle of a recent appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, NBC's Peter King was ticketed for talking on his cellphone while driving. Actually, I think the cop gave King a ticket for polluting the airwaves.
19. Toni and I never argue over who gets the clicker because we can never find it.
20. I'd bet Jeremy Schaap's last Argyle sock that one day there will be a sports betting show on TV called, No Gamble No Future.
21. 7-Eleven never closes, which makes me wonder if the place ever gets cleaned up really good; I worry about ESPN in the same way.
22. TMZ Sports? Uh, no.
23. Perhaps you could cite my own self-interest in this matter and perhaps I am wrong, but I firmly believe that poker on TV saves lives.
Ask The Slouch
Q. So the Jaguars, your NFL Team of Destiny, now have Gardner Minshew, the "Stache" at Washington State, starting at quarterback. As the "Stache" in the sports writing community, how do you figure this will turn out? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I have known about Minshew ever since meeting him at a mustache mixer in 2018. He is destined for greatness and the Jags are still destined for Super Bowl 54.
Q. Does Odell Beckham Jr. wearing a $190,000 watch during games offend you? (Radu Marinescu; Glendale, Ariz.)
A. Critics fail to realize that, by wearing a watch during games, Beckham is the only one on the field to know the time of day after every play.
Q. Sam Darnold out with mononucleosis? Really? (Ben Whitman; St. Petersburg, Fla.)
A. It's an odd ailment attached commonly to New York Jets quarterbacks – didn't Joe Namath have mono after kissing Suzy Kolber?
Q. Historically, which has been the greater jinx: Appearing on a Sports Illustrated cover or being selected as the Couch Slouch Team of Destiny? "Doc" Scoville; Fairfax, Va.)
A. Listen, pal, I have overcome the jinx of working for Sports Illustrated to be here today, of almost sound mind and body.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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Rookie Spencer Arrighetti struck out a season-high 10 in seven scoreless innings and Yainer Diaz had three hits to lead the Houston Astros to a 7-1 win over Colorado Wednesday that extend their winning streak to a season-high seven games.
Yainer keeps the inning alive!#VoteYainer ⭐️ https://t.co/UTDeXYKIHd pic.twitter.com/lWQtZUPZgH
— Houston Astros (@astros) June 26, 2024
The Astros, who opened 7-19, improved to 40-40 and reached .500 for the first time this season.
Arrighetti (4-6) tied a season-low with three hits and didn’t walk a batter for the first time this year in his longest start of the season.
Nine so fine.
Career high Ks for Arrighetti! pic.twitter.com/e2Nm0jt2UT
— Houston Astros (@astros) June 26, 2024
Colorado fell to 0-4 against Houston this year and have lost 11 in a row at Minute Maid Park, dating to Aug. 15, 2018. Their only run Wednesday came on a sacrifice fly by Brenton Doyle in the eighth inning as they dropped a third straight game.
The Astros were up by 2 before tacking on four runs in the seventh inning to push the lead to 6-0.
Ryan Feltner (1-7) permitted seven hits and four runs in six-plus innings for his sixth straight loss.
Jose Altuve started Houston’s fourth with a single and stole second base with one out before Feltner hit Yordan Alvarez with a pitch. Altuve swiped third base before Houston took a 1-0 lead when he scored on Diaz’s single to right field.
Arrighetti retired his first 10 batters before Ezequiel Tovar singled with one out in the fourth. Colorado’s next hit came on a double by Nolan Jones with two outs in the fifth, but Arrighetti struck out Jake Cave to leave him stranded.
A two-out RBI single by Altuve made it 2-0 in the fifth.
Tovar doubled with two outs in the sixth, but Arrighetti fanned Ryan McMahon to end the inning.
The Astros started the scoring in the seventh on César Salazar’s sacrifice fly with the bases loaded that extended the lead to 3-0. Altuve hit a soft grounder to Tovar at shortstop and his throw home was high, allowing another run to score.
Alex Bregman then grounded into a forceout, but a throwing error by second baseman Brendan Rodgers sent another run home to extend the lead to 5-0. Alvarez hit a ground-rule double before the Astros made it 6-0 on an RBI single by Diaz.
Jeremy Peña made it 7-1 with an RBI single with no outs in the eighth.
TRAINER’S ROOM
Rockies: Place RHP Jake Bird on the 15-day injured list with a right groin strain, retroactive to Sunday.
Astros: OF Kyle Tucker (bruised right shin) took 30 swings off a batting tee Tuesday and will travel with the team on the upcoming road trip as the Astros look for him to continue to increase baseball activity.
UP NEXT Rockies: The team is off Thursday before RHP Dakota Hudson (2-10, 5.63 ERA) opposes RHP Drew Thorpe (1-1, 5.02) in the opener of a three-game series against the Chicago White Sox Friday night.
Astros: Houston is also off Thursday and RHP Ronel Blanco (8-2, 2.34) will face LHP Jose Quintana (3-5, 4.58) in the first of three games against the New York Mets Friday night.