THE COUCH SLOUCH
23 observations on sports and media you won't want to miss
Sep 16, 2019, 6:57 am
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Jeremy Schaap
These are 23 (more) facts, tried and true, about the widening world of sports television:
1. They say that nobody gets out alive – I assume they are referring to ESPN's First Take.
2. Every time I go to the Cheesecake Factory, I can't believe how long the wait is – the food's good, but not that good. College football on TV is sort of the same thing.
3. I would compare Norman Esiason's 18-year run on CBS's The NFL Today favorably with J. Edgar Hoover's 37-year run as FBI director.
4. Here's the thing about ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball: It's unwatchable and unlistenable, which, put in layman's terms, means it's hard to watch and hard to listen to.
5. All I do is tell people to watch more bowling on TV, and all people do is ignore me.
6. I wanted to invite ESPN's Jeremy Schaap and his wife Joclyn over for dinner recently, but we couldn't rent a butler in time.
7. Fellow Terp Scott Van Pelt is so good on SportsCenter, I almost forgive him his blind spot on University of Maryland athletics.
8. Bob Costas is growing on me.
(Column Intermission I: Virtually completing our descent into cultural hell, cbssports.com's Chris Trapasso now offers regular power rankings of NFL practice-squad players. This is likely the final piece in the puzzle for the fast-growing NFL practice-squad fantasy sports industry. For the record, Cardinals quarterback Kyle Sloter – boy, the kid's got great arm talent and eye discipline – currently is ranked No. 1.)
9. If it's all about "launch angle," I suspect Albert Einstein would've been an incredible baseball GM and sports bettor.
10. I always read Barstool Sports' website while on the can to cut out the middleman.
11. One day FS1's Doug Gottlieb will say something that I write down, and when I look at it a bit later, I'll actually think, "Yeah, that makes sense."
12. If Woodstock had morphed into an annual music festival, I'm guessing Joe Lunardi would have another specialty.
13. I understand that MTV doesn't show music videos anymore, but how come every time I turn on the Golf Channel to watch a golf tournament, they're not showing any golf?
14. I hate to state the obvious, but why wouldn't the NFL consider Tuesday Night Football and Wednesday Night Football as well?
15. It is a statistical improbability that no one from esports, cornhole or darts telecasts has called me to provide commentary.
16. The day that synchronized swimming incorporates replay challenges, I'll know it's all but over.
(Column Intermission II: Here is verbatim analysis from Alex Rodriguez during a recent Phillies-Mets game on ESPN: "You always want even leads, versus odd leads. Why? The solo home run doesn't tie it and the grand slam does not beat you." I don't know where to start, so I won't.)
17. In medieval times, every town had a village idiot. Now, there is FS1's Speak for Yourself.
18. While in the middle of a recent appearance on The Dan Patrick Show, NBC's Peter King was ticketed for talking on his cellphone while driving. Actually, I think the cop gave King a ticket for polluting the airwaves.
19. Toni and I never argue over who gets the clicker because we can never find it.
20. I'd bet Jeremy Schaap's last Argyle sock that one day there will be a sports betting show on TV called, No Gamble No Future.
21. 7-Eleven never closes, which makes me wonder if the place ever gets cleaned up really good; I worry about ESPN in the same way.
22. TMZ Sports? Uh, no.
23. Perhaps you could cite my own self-interest in this matter and perhaps I am wrong, but I firmly believe that poker on TV saves lives.
Ask The Slouch
Q. So the Jaguars, your NFL Team of Destiny, now have Gardner Minshew, the "Stache" at Washington State, starting at quarterback. As the "Stache" in the sports writing community, how do you figure this will turn out? (Steve Hintyesz; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I have known about Minshew ever since meeting him at a mustache mixer in 2018. He is destined for greatness and the Jags are still destined for Super Bowl 54.
Q. Does Odell Beckham Jr. wearing a $190,000 watch during games offend you? (Radu Marinescu; Glendale, Ariz.)
A. Critics fail to realize that, by wearing a watch during games, Beckham is the only one on the field to know the time of day after every play.
Q. Sam Darnold out with mononucleosis? Really? (Ben Whitman; St. Petersburg, Fla.)
A. It's an odd ailment attached commonly to New York Jets quarterbacks – didn't Joe Namath have mono after kissing Suzy Kolber?
Q. Historically, which has been the greater jinx: Appearing on a Sports Illustrated cover or being selected as the Couch Slouch Team of Destiny? "Doc" Scoville; Fairfax, Va.)
A. Listen, pal, I have overcome the jinx of working for Sports Illustrated to be here today, of almost sound mind and body.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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The Astros know how to win these games, and it shows
Jun 29, 2025, 4:28 pm
Kyle Tucker launched a three-run homer and matched a season high with four hits against the team that traded him in December, and the Chicago Cubs routed Houston 12-3 on Saturday night to stop the Astros' five-game winning streak.
Tucker also scored four times to pace a Cubs lineup that pounded out 15 hits, including three by Dansby Swanson. Seiya Suzuki, Michael Busch and Nico Hoerner also went deep.
Chicago hit three homers in an inning for the second time this season during a seven-run fourth. Busch and Hoerner had back-to-back solo shots to put the Cubs on top 3-2, and Tucker’s drive made it 7-2.
The offensive outburst came in support of Colin Rea (5-3), who allowed two runs and five hits over five innings. The only blemish on his line was rookie Cam Smith’s two-run homer in the third, which briefly gave the Astros a 2-1 lead.
Smith, part of the package Houston received for Tucker, finished with two hits and has homered in consecutive games for the first time in his career.
Lance McCullers Jr. (1-3) came off the injured list and allowed eight runs on seven hits over 3 1/3 innings.
Isaac Paredes, also part of the Astros' trade return for Tucker, hit his 17th home run.
Key moment
Tucker’s three-run homer in the fourth that put the Cubs ahead 7-2.
Key stat
McCullers has a 10.89 ERA in five home starts this season, but hasn’t allowed an earned run in three road starts.
Up next
Houston LHP Framber Valdez (8-4, 2.88 ERA) opposes RHP Jameson Taillon (7-5, 4.77 ERA) when the series concludes Sunday.