THEY WON'T BE RIDING SPACE MOUNTAIN

A fascinating peek at the Rockets' crazy life inside the NBA bubble

A fascinating peek at the Rockets' crazy life inside the NBA bubble
Composite image by Brandon Strange.

Earlier this week, the NBA released a 113-page volume of safety and health rules that will be in place when the league resumes play at Disney World next month.

The NBA's "new normal" rivals the warranty for a toaster I bought recently for legal mumbo jumbo. Seriously, 113 pages so you can play basketball in Orlando for a few months? The official United States Citizenship Test Study Guide is only 83 pages. And you can stay in Orlando forever if you pass.

The 22 NBA teams invited to finish the season will hole up in three hotels: upper tier teams get the Gran Destino Tower, teams that have already clinched a playoff spot are assigned the Grand Floridian, and teams barely squeaking their way into Disney must slum it (relatively speaking) at the Yacht Club. The Rockets lucked out, they'll be staying at the Grand Floridian. I've stayed at the Grand Floridian, it's a swanky toast to gentler Victorian times and southern charm. And its bread pudding with vanilla sauce is to die for.

The league will provide every sort of entertainment and diversion imaginable for 20 and 30-somethings. There will be movie night, ping-pong tables and a game room. In other words, summer camp in Texas Hill Country for rich kids.

Except summer camp didn't require life in quarantine for up to three months, and getting a javelin-sized Q-tip shoved up your nose every couple of days. Bubble Boy on Seinfeld had more freedom of movement than NBA players will be allowed at Disney. They won't even be permitted to sneak out for an ice cream sandwich shaped like Mickey Mouse. You're supposed to bite the ears first. The ears melt and drip first.

Players will have to change into their uniforms at their hotel and return to their hotel after the game to take a shower. Every player will get his own room, and the rules didn't mention this, but I'm guessing Disney blocks those, you know, special channels on hotel TVs.

There are rules for everything else, leaving nothing to chance to protect the players' health. They can play ping-pong, but no doubles. Social distancing, you know. Players will be tested for performance-enhancing drugs but not recreational drugs. The NBA rulebook for Disney reminds players that weed is illegal in Florida and a definite no-no on Disney property.

If players want to opt out of traveling to Orlando for any reason, including safety concerns or social issues, it's OK with the league and they won't be punished. However, they won't be paid for any games they miss. Example: if a player makes $10 million for the 2019-20 season, the player will lose about $108,000 per game. Four Rockets are in that lofty tax bracket: Russell Westbrook ($38.5 million), James Harden ($38.1 million), Eric Gordon ($12.4 million) and … ?

It's Robert Covington ($11.3). Bigger surprise, what's Westbrook doing making more money than Harden?

A team can designate a "protected player," who it feels may be at extra risk for contracting coronavirus. A protected player will not have to travel to Orlando, and will receive his full salary. Here's where the penny under the tongue trick comes into play. It's a classic for kids who want to, or need to, miss school for a day. A penny really does raise your temperature a few degrees when your mom sticks a thermometer in your mouth. Sadly, a penny will not help you if your thoroughly modern mom has one of those thermometers she waves across your forehead. Or a rectal thermometer.

If a player had a season-ending injury, he'll receive his full salary, those lucky limping devils.

Players will report to Disney on July 21 for lockdown. They will barely be allowed to leave their hotels, and forget about leaving the Disney campus. I can already see some mischievous players tying sheets together to escape out their rooms like a prison break, or a girl who's got a suitcase packed to elope. If you're caught sneaking out, you'll be put in time out: 10 days of total quarantine with regular "deep nasal" coronavirus testing. Law-abiding players will only undergo "shallow nasal" testing. Given a choice … just stay in your room.

Each team will have its own private dining room. Players will be allowed to order room service without being charged $5,000 for a $15 hamburger. After a few weeks, players can order delivery from certain Orlando-area restaurants. Players will wear special wristbands that serve as room keys and keep track of each time they're tested for the virus. Player lounges will have card tables. New decks will be provided every few games for health reasons, not to prevent P.J. Tucker from card counting.

Players and team personnel, plus mental health experts, media and executives, will have to wear face masks when they're not in their rooms or when they're eating. Players and coaches will not have to wear face masks if they sit in the front row on the bench during games. Sucks to be you, John Lucas and the other second-row assistant coaches. Mask up.

Much has been made of games being played without fans. However, the stands will not be empty. Players will be allowed to attend games of other teams. Also a limited number team and league executives and sponsors will be in the stands. Or pretty much the same crowd as a Timberwolves game. I joke, not because I love, but because I don't live in Minnesota.

Generally speaking, facilities at Disney will be 5-star and first-rate, with every creature comfort imaginable, including 24-hour concierge and on-site manicurists and hair-braiders. In other words, almost as luxurious as that sweet federal prison where actress Lori Loughlin will be sent for bribing her "athletically gifted" daughters into college.

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The Colts host this Texans this Sunday. Composite Getty Image.

C.J. Stroud and Anthony Richardson found themselves in the same spot when they met in Week 2 last season.

Both quarterbacks were top-five draft picks, lost their season openers and seemed to be facing a steep learning curve.

Richardson won Round 1 in Houston, although he didn't finish the game.

Stroud took Round 2 in Indianapolis with the injured Richardson watching from the sideline as Texans clinched the AFC South title and Stroud locked up his runaway selection as NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year.

On Sunday, each QB begins his second pro season — with a lot still to prove.

“I’m excited. First official game back with my guys and my teammates,” said Richardson, who had season-ending shoulder surgery last October. "I want to win. So, whatever I’ve got to do to do that, I’m going to do it.”

Winning a season opener certainly would be a welcome change for a franchise that last started 1-0 in 2013. The 10-game winless streak is easily the NFL's longest active streak.

But that's just a start for Richardson.

He needs to improve his accuracy after completing a pedestrian 59.5% of his throws in 2023 and must demonstrate he can finish games. He missed 13 last season and only finished one of his four starts because of an assortment of injuries, including the concussion that knocked him out of that Week 2 matchup at Houston after he ran for two scores.

Stroud, meanwhile, is coming off one of the most successful rookie seasons in NFL history.

He became just the third player in a half-century to lead the league in yards passing per game (273.9) and touchdown-to-interception ratio (4.6 to 1), won a playoff game and made hist first Pro Bowl appearance.

How can he improve on a season like that? By showing last season was a building block — not a fluke. He has a stronger supporting cast, too, with Joe Mixon, a four-time 1,000-yard rusher, and Stefon Diggs, who has four straight 100-catch seasons, now in the mix.

The long journey begins Sunday in Indianapolis.

“I want to just start fast,” Stroud said. “It doesn't have to do with a certain game, just in general this season. Last year, we started off really slow and just kind of had to build our way back. It's not an easy thing to do, so I would say this year we want to start fast.”

Nico vs. Colts

Houston receiver Nico Collins had two of his biggest games last season against Indy — catching seven passes for 146 yards and one TD in the Week 2 matchup only to outperform those numbers with a 195-yard day that included a 75-yard TD catch in Week 18.

He could play an even bigger role this time with Indy's young secondary trying to match up not only with Collins but also Diggs, Mixon and tight end Dalton Schultz.

“Nico is a playmaker,” Texans coach DeMeco Ryans said. “Every time I see him, he’s a true playmaker. So, you just have to get Nico the ball in any way, shape or fashion. Just find a way to get him the ball just to see how explosive and how dynamic he is.”

Taylor made

Injuries and a contract dispute prevented Jonathan Taylor from replicating the form he used to win the 2021 NFL rushing title. Starting against the Texans could be just what he needs.

In six games against Houston, Taylor has rushed for seven TDs and 135.2 yards per game — his highest average against any team he's faced multiple times. And in that rematch with Houston in Week 18, he finished with 30 carries for 188 yards, the NFL's highest single-game total all season.

Confident Anderson

Houston defensive end Will Anderson, last season’s AP Defensive Rookie of the Year, will play Sunday after recovering from an ankle injury that limited his training camp snaps.

The No. 3 overall pick in 2023 had 45 tackles, 10 for loss, and 7 1/2 sacks as a rookie. He expects to be even better this season.

“I’m way more comfortable,” he said. “Just going into Year 2 knowing the scheme better, knowing what to expect a little bit more and knowing what’s going to happen gives you more confidence.”

Pass rush

The Colts lost their 2023 sacks leader, Samson Ebukam, with a torn Achilles tendon during training. But they may have the perfect replacement.

Laiatu Latu was the first defensive player taken in April's draft, at No. 15 overall, and he's shown coaches that the moves he used to record 23 1/2 sacks over his last two college seasons can work in the NFL.

“We know that there’s going to be a learning curve there," defensive coordinator Gus Bradley said. "We know there are going to be plays that we’re going to come in and say there were some good plays, and there were plays he wishes he had back — we understand that. But just his overall mentality and skill set, we’re very excited to see.”

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