THE COUCH SLOUCH
A playful look at sports media and dealing with Twitter mobs
May 18, 2020, 8:23 am
Photo by Getty Images
I made a typographical error in my column last week: I meant to say that we need more sports, not less. In my defense, I'd been washing and folding my American flag and wasn't focused on my Samsung Galaxy Book S keyboard.
Ugh. So I woke up midday to find 37 texts telling me I was trending No. 1 on Twitter. How could this be? I briefly thought I must've slept-walk and robbed a string of minimarts up and down the West Coast.
No.
I was just a victim of Fox Sports' buffoonish enfant terrible, Clay Travis.
Perhaps you are unfamiliar with Travis, the white-hot attention seeker, a failed-lawyer failed-thinker babbler of contrarian nonsense who now rides down the middle of the street on a unicycle shouting, "Look, Ma, no hands!"
Travis tweeted out The Washington Post headline on my column, "The pandemic has reminded us: we don't need more sports – we need less," to his 670,000 Twitter followers, while addressing how stupid I am and how much sportswriters like me disdain sports.
This triggered his ready-to-rumble base, igniting the usual Twitter online mob. Thankfully, I slept through most of it, dreaming of athenaeums and student-nonathletes.
In the column – as I have done countless times in the last 20 years – I satirically questioned the oversized role of sports in our culture. Ooh…revolutionary stuff!
Travis's premise is that I am rooting against the return of sports and hate them. Hmm. How much could I possibly hate sports if I have NBA League Pass? Heck, if you're watching a New York Knicks-Sacramento Kings game at 10 o'clock on a Tuesday night, you might hate yourself more than you hate sports.
Anyway, after awakening, I decided to engage my attacker on Twitter; this seldom ends well.
Following an opening tweet in which I mentioned that Travis was "the smartest man in the room" because I had heard him say that on his radio show, this was our exchange:
Travis: Norman, thanks for listening. But listen better. I didn't say I was the smartest guy in the room. I said compared to people like you, I'm a genius. Which I am.
Me: My bad, Clay, I misheard this on your March 25 show: "I'm a pretty smart dude…pretty much every test I've ever measured, I'm in the 99.9 percentile….If I had wanted to be, I would've been a doctor." Uh, 99.9% sounds pretty high.
Travis: Thanks for the additional podcast listen, bud, but just step away from the keyboard. You're making yourself look even (more) ridiculous.
Travis was pulling a page straight out of the POTUS 45 playbook: Say something preposterous, get asked about it, say you didn't say it, then after somebody reads back the exact thing you said that you claim you never said, deride or ignore them and change the subject.
One of Travis's favorite longtime targets is ESPN, supposedly a liberal hotbed with an on-air political agenda.
Gosh, I hate when people make me defend ESPN.
Sure, Clay, it's an ACLU incubator over there – Chris Berman canvassed for Eugene McCarthy in 1968, and I know for a fact that Linda Cohn has a Friedrich Engels bobble head on her desk.
During the pandemic, Travis has railed on Fox Sports Radio about the coronavirus hoax with his "data-centric rational thinking." He constantly misleads his audience, and after being proven incorrect, simply gives a new set of unimpeachable, flawed data. He loves moving the goalposts, and he's darn good at it – as an SEC diehard, he knows how to cheat.
Travis operates similarly to the forward-thinking neo-Neanderthals at Barstool Sports, a.k.a. Barstool Sample. My column riled them, too; you don't mess with the stoolies' sandbox. Over time, I have been variously attacked there by monstrously talented PFT Commenter, monstrously untalented Barstool Nate and the monster himself, Barstool Sample president and lead predator Dave Portnoy.
You can't fight these guys – never sling mud against people who roll in it. Their M.O.: When you go high, we'll go low; when you go low, we'll go lower. Battling these feral bedlamites, and their mindless minions, is like bringing a butter knife to a shotgun fight.
Besides, I don't have time for this, even in our sports-less here and now. I'm midway binge-reading the Bible – I'm up to the part about the guy with the tablets. Good stuff.
Ask The Slouch
Q. If only essential employees are toiling under these pandemic conditions, why would MLB players be working? And if college campuses are closed to students, why would some students be there to play football? (David Allen; Chicago)
A. Are these rhetorical questions?
Q. What does it say about the current coronavirus-state of sports journalism when I actually look forward to reading your column every week? (Philip R. Hochberg; Chevy Chase, Md.)
A. Good to know my work only thrives during once-in-a-century pandemic conditions.
Q. Did NFL cornerbacks DeAndre Baker and Quinton Dunbar at least keep their masks on and practice social distancing while allegedly robbing guests at that Florida cookout? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!Most Popular
SportsMap Emails
Are Awesome
Listen Live
A month into the 2025 season, the Houston Astros have emerged as one of MLB’s most confounding teams. Their offense ranks near the bottom of nearly every key category, yet they remain competitive thanks to a pitching staff that has quietly become one of the most formidable in baseball.
Despite winning back-to-back games just once this season, Houston’s pitching has kept them afloat. The Astros boast a top-10 team ERA, rank seventh in WHIP, and sit top-eight in opponent batting average—a testament to both their rotation depth and bullpen resilience. It’s a group that has consistently given them a chance to win, even when the bats have failed to show up.
Josh Hader has been the bullpen anchor. After a rocky 2024 campaign, the closer has reinvented himself, leaning more heavily on his slider and becoming less predictable. The result has been electric: a veteran who’s adapting and thriving under pressure.
Reinforcements are also on the horizon. Kaleb Ort and Forrest Whitley are expected to bolster a bullpen that’s been great but occasionally spotty—Taylor Scott’s 5.63 ERA stands out as a weak link. Lance McCullers Jr. missed his last rehab outing due to illness but is expected back soon, possibly pairing with Ryan Gusto in a piggyback setup that could stretch games and preserve bullpen arms.
And the timing couldn’t be better, because the Astros' offense remains stuck in neutral. With an offense ranked 26th in OPS, 27th in slugging, dead last in doubles, and just 24th in runs scored, it's clear the Astros have a major issue producing consistent offense. For all their talent, they are a minus-two in run differential and have looked out of sync at the plate.
One bright spot has been rookie Cam Smith. The right fielder has displayed remarkable poise, plate discipline, and a polished approach rarely seen in rookies. It’s fair to ask why Smith, with only five Double-A games under his belt before this season, is showing more patience than veterans like Jose Altuve. Altuve, among others, has been chasing too many pitches outside the zone and hardly walking—a troubling trend across the lineup.
Before the season began, the Astros made it a point to improve their pitch selection and plate discipline. So far, that stated goal hasn’t materialized. Many of the players who are showing solid discipline—like Isaac Paredes or Christian Walker—were already doing that on other teams before joining Houston. It raises the question: are the Astros’ hitting coaches being held accountable?
The offensive woes are hard to ignore. Catcher Yainer Diaz currently owns the second-worst OPS in baseball, while Walker ranks 15th from the bottom. Even a star like Yordan Alvarez has yet to find his groove. The hope is that Diaz and Walker will follow Alvarez's lead and trend upward with time.
With so many offensive questions and few clear answers, a trade for a left-handed bat—whether in the outfield or second base—would be ideal. But with the front office laser-focused on staying below the tax threshold, don’t count on it.
For now, Houston's path forward depends on whether the bats can catch up to the arms. Until they do, the Astros will remain a team that looks good on paper but still can’t string wins together in reality.
We have so much more to get to. Don't miss the video below as we examine the topics above and much, much more!
The MLB season is finally upon us! Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and Charlie Pallilo for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday!
*ChatGPT assisted.
___________________________
Looking to get the word out about your business, products, or services? Consider advertising on SportsMap! It's a great way to get in front of Houston sports fans. Click the link below for more information!