THE COUCH SLOUCH
A playful look at sports media and dealing with Twitter mobs
May 18, 2020, 8:23 am
Photo by Getty Images
I made a typographical error in my column last week: I meant to say that we need more sports, not less. In my defense, I'd been washing and folding my American flag and wasn't focused on my Samsung Galaxy Book S keyboard.
Ugh. So I woke up midday to find 37 texts telling me I was trending No. 1 on Twitter. How could this be? I briefly thought I must've slept-walk and robbed a string of minimarts up and down the West Coast.
No.
I was just a victim of Fox Sports' buffoonish enfant terrible, Clay Travis.
Perhaps you are unfamiliar with Travis, the white-hot attention seeker, a failed-lawyer failed-thinker babbler of contrarian nonsense who now rides down the middle of the street on a unicycle shouting, "Look, Ma, no hands!"
Travis tweeted out The Washington Post headline on my column, "The pandemic has reminded us: we don't need more sports – we need less," to his 670,000 Twitter followers, while addressing how stupid I am and how much sportswriters like me disdain sports.
This triggered his ready-to-rumble base, igniting the usual Twitter online mob. Thankfully, I slept through most of it, dreaming of athenaeums and student-nonathletes.
In the column – as I have done countless times in the last 20 years – I satirically questioned the oversized role of sports in our culture. Ooh…revolutionary stuff!
Travis's premise is that I am rooting against the return of sports and hate them. Hmm. How much could I possibly hate sports if I have NBA League Pass? Heck, if you're watching a New York Knicks-Sacramento Kings game at 10 o'clock on a Tuesday night, you might hate yourself more than you hate sports.
Anyway, after awakening, I decided to engage my attacker on Twitter; this seldom ends well.
Following an opening tweet in which I mentioned that Travis was "the smartest man in the room" because I had heard him say that on his radio show, this was our exchange:
Travis: Norman, thanks for listening. But listen better. I didn't say I was the smartest guy in the room. I said compared to people like you, I'm a genius. Which I am.
Me: My bad, Clay, I misheard this on your March 25 show: "I'm a pretty smart dude…pretty much every test I've ever measured, I'm in the 99.9 percentile….If I had wanted to be, I would've been a doctor." Uh, 99.9% sounds pretty high.
Travis: Thanks for the additional podcast listen, bud, but just step away from the keyboard. You're making yourself look even (more) ridiculous.
Travis was pulling a page straight out of the POTUS 45 playbook: Say something preposterous, get asked about it, say you didn't say it, then after somebody reads back the exact thing you said that you claim you never said, deride or ignore them and change the subject.
One of Travis's favorite longtime targets is ESPN, supposedly a liberal hotbed with an on-air political agenda.
Gosh, I hate when people make me defend ESPN.
Sure, Clay, it's an ACLU incubator over there – Chris Berman canvassed for Eugene McCarthy in 1968, and I know for a fact that Linda Cohn has a Friedrich Engels bobble head on her desk.
During the pandemic, Travis has railed on Fox Sports Radio about the coronavirus hoax with his "data-centric rational thinking." He constantly misleads his audience, and after being proven incorrect, simply gives a new set of unimpeachable, flawed data. He loves moving the goalposts, and he's darn good at it – as an SEC diehard, he knows how to cheat.
Travis operates similarly to the forward-thinking neo-Neanderthals at Barstool Sports, a.k.a. Barstool Sample. My column riled them, too; you don't mess with the stoolies' sandbox. Over time, I have been variously attacked there by monstrously talented PFT Commenter, monstrously untalented Barstool Nate and the monster himself, Barstool Sample president and lead predator Dave Portnoy.
You can't fight these guys – never sling mud against people who roll in it. Their M.O.: When you go high, we'll go low; when you go low, we'll go lower. Battling these feral bedlamites, and their mindless minions, is like bringing a butter knife to a shotgun fight.
Besides, I don't have time for this, even in our sports-less here and now. I'm midway binge-reading the Bible – I'm up to the part about the guy with the tablets. Good stuff.
Ask The Slouch
Q. If only essential employees are toiling under these pandemic conditions, why would MLB players be working? And if college campuses are closed to students, why would some students be there to play football? (David Allen; Chicago)
A. Are these rhetorical questions?
Q. What does it say about the current coronavirus-state of sports journalism when I actually look forward to reading your column every week? (Philip R. Hochberg; Chevy Chase, Md.)
A. Good to know my work only thrives during once-in-a-century pandemic conditions.
Q. Did NFL cornerbacks DeAndre Baker and Quinton Dunbar at least keep their masks on and practice social distancing while allegedly robbing guests at that Florida cookout? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
It's time to seriously question the Astros' front office. Photos via Getty Images, ESPN IG.
The Astros have officially entered a new era, but it’s hard to spin Alex Bregman’s exit as anything but a gut punch. Bregman, a cornerstone of Houston’s championship core, is gone — and the Astros' strategy (or lack thereof) is front and center. The questions are mounting fast, and the answers don’t inspire confidence.
Let’s be clear: This isn’t about refusing to pay players. It’s about how the Astros are willing to pay them. Jim Crane’s approach has become increasingly rigid — no deals with high annual values and opt-outs, but also no long-term contracts for $160+ million. Essentially, Crane is looking for a Goldilocks zone in modern baseball that no longer exists. Good luck winning another World Series with that strategy and a depleted farm system.
If Crane’s blueprint is to focus on cheap positions (first base, closer) or short-term deals with aging veterans past their prime, this team could be in serious trouble. We’ve seen it before with Correa. He could’ve been retained on a shorter-term contract (3-years, $105 million), but Crane’s pride — and his refusal to engage with Scott Boras on deals that include opt-outs — kept the Astros out of the conversation.
Dana Brown publicly called Bregman a top priority. Clearly, that wasn’t true for Crane. Brown’s reaction to the Bregman news felt more like a man at a funeral than an optimistic GM on the opening day of spring training for pitchers and catchers. He wouldn’t even comment on the deal.
Crane’s strategy already backfiring
The Astros locked up Rafael Montero and José Abreu to questionable contracts that now feel like self-inflicted wounds. Would Crane have let Bregman walk if not for those deals? If that’s the case, Houston just sacrificed its long-term core for short-term bets that didn't pay off.
And get ready — Framber Valdez is probably next. When his contract comes up, don’t expect him to stick around.
Leadership void
Losing Bregman isn’t just about stats. It’s about leadership, swagger, and presence. Players like Jeremy Peña, Chas McCormick, and Isaac Paredes aren’t exactly striking fear into opponents. Correa, Bregman, and Kyle Tucker? Entirely different story.
A missed opportunity
Imagine choosing between Josh Hader’s deal (5-years, $95 million) or what Bregman just signed for (3-years, $120 million). I would take Bregman all day. When Hader signed last season, we were fine with it as long as it didn't preclude the club from trying to extend Bregman and/or Tucker.
But here we are one year later with Tucker, Bregman, and Ryan Pressly playing for new teams. And Pressly was better than Hader in 2024 despite dealing with a role change.
For now, the most exciting things about the 2025 Astros are the short porch in left field — which might make Paredes look good again — and the weak AL West.
So, get your season tickets now!
This is one video you don't want to miss as the crew from Stone Cold 'Stros examines all the ramifications from Alex Bregman's Astros departure, and much more!
Spring training is up and running. Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and Charlie Pallilo for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday.
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