THE COUCH SLOUCH

An open letter from Colin Kaepernick to potential NFL employers

Norman Chad
Sep 23, 2019, 6:56 am
Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

Couch Slouch has obtained an open letter sent to all 32 NFL franchises recently by one of the league's former employees – social injustice, self-empowerment and shoe spokesperson Colin Kaepernick.

Let me reintroduce myself.

Even though I have not had a job since 2016, I believe my resume speaks for itself.

I am 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds.

I was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47, in which I passed for 302 yards and rushed for 62.

I have a career 88.9 passer rating and hold the NFL record for most rushing yards by a QB in a playoff game (181).

I graduated from the University of Nevada with a degree in business management; I know how business works and I know who management is.

I had a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 4.0 GPA in college, plus I scored 38 on the Wonderlic Test before the 2011 NFL draft; I believe Kyler Murray posted just a 20 on that baby.

I represent Nike, a leading international footwear manufacturer.

I am in the best shape of my life.

I am well rested.

I run fast, if and when I am allowed to run.

I am willing to work weekends.

I watch First Take every morning when my girlfriend is out of town – well, I DVR it and watch it later, 'cause I never miss Live with Kelly and Ryan.

I have never dated a Kardashian.

I just won a Creative Arts Emmy for my "Dream Crazy" commercial.

The Bible verse Psalms 18:39 is tattooed on my right (throwing) arm.

I am a vegan, though would consider a non-plant-based or meat diet if the right team made an offer.

I was named Citizen of the Year by GQ in 2017 and I received the Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award in 2017, and I don't even subscribe to either magazine.

I will relocate just about anywhere, with a preference at the moment for Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Jacksonville or East Rutherford, N.J.

Would I cut my hair? Dang, I can still be woke with a shaved head.

Here's an abbreviated list of backup quarterbacks in the NFL right now: Jarrett Stidham, Ryan Finley, Garrett Gilbert, Devlin Hodges, A.J. McCarron, Joshua Dobbs, Mike Glennon, Cooper Rush, David Blough, Tim Boyle, Sean Mannion, Blaine Gabbert, Brett Hundley, Brandon Allen, Geno Smith, David Fales, and, of course, Josh McCown.

I like going out and staying in.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I recognize collusion when I see it.

I believe cotton is the purest fabric, but I am conflicted about it.

I wear apparel made by Chinese factory workers earning 23 cents an hour six days a week.

I wake up at 5 a.m. every day in the hopes that NFL Network's Good Morning Football announces I've been signed by somebody.

Even though I have been – and I believe this is the politically correct term – African-American-balled by the league, I am willing to let bygones be bygones.

If putting Adam Schefter on my speed dial would help me get a job, consider it done.

Even Jay-Z is not returning my phone calls lately.

I feel like the pit mix at the animal rescue shelter nobody wants to take home.

I am still a fan of the game. I have NFL Sunday Ticket, NFL Red Zone and just added ESPN+ to watch Chris Berman and Tom Jackson do NFL Primetime. God, I missed those nicknames.

I want to play.

Daniel Jones? Please.

With warmest regards, Colin

P.S. Because of chronic back problems, I usually kneel on the sidelines, before and during games.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Some of your readers are skeptical about your pick of the Jaguars to go to Super Bowl LIV. Do you think you'd get more support if you pick the Democratic candidate to win Presidential Election MMXX later next year? (Phillip Schwartz; Rockville, Md.)

A. The Jaguars may be 1-2, but I still like their chances better than the Democrats.

Q. What pointers do you have for my granddaughter, just starting her freshman year at the University of Maryland School of Journalism? (Bob Baker; Beckley, W.Va.)

A. 1. Don't go into journalism. 2. Don't park in loading zones.

Q. Do you select the earliest questions of the week to answer to give you more time to prepare a clever response? (Gary Weitzner; Kensington, Md.)

A. This was the last question I received this week.

Q. Will it be harder for Eli Manning to peddle fake game-worn memorabilia now that he is no longer starting? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If California enacts the law that pays student-athletes, will you lose your status as an amateur columnist? (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)

A. Pay this wiseacre, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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Houston's losing streak extended to five games

With key Astros missing, Detroit completes the series sweep

An overall bad day for the Astros on Wednesday. Photo by Dylan Buell/Getty Images

On Wednesday afternoon, the Astros received a big blow to their chances in the series finale against Detroit and potentially longer. Five players: Jose Altuve, Alex Bregman, Yordan Alvarez, Martin Maldonado, and Robel Garcia would all be moved to the IL due to health and safety protocols, leaving them scrambling to get a whole team together for the game against the Tigers.

The Astros would not be able to overcome both the loss of players and the onslaught of another strong start by Detroit in Wednesday's game which put them too far out front for Houston to come back from to avoid a series sweep.

Final Score: Tigers 6, Astros 4

Astros' Record: 6-6, third in the AL West

Winning Pitcher: Michael Fulmer (1-0)

Losing Pitcher: Lance McCullers Jr. (1-1)

Tigers knock out another starter early

Detroit continued their success of making Houston's starter work hard in early innings, getting after Lance McCullers Jr., and giving him an early exit. After a lengthy fist, they broke through in the second getting two hits, a walk, a hit batter, and an RBI groundout to put up three runs on 34 pitches.

He would have a quicker 1-2-3 third, but after giving up a single, a walk, and hitting another batter to load the bases and reach 87 pitches, he would be removed in favor of Joe Smith. Smith would allow all three of the inherited runners to score, adding those runs to McCullers Jr.'s final line: 3.2 IP, 4 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 3 BB, 3 K, 87 P.

Astros try to claw back into it

After Smith would go on to load the bases again in the inning, still with two outs, Houston made another pitching change to bring in Brandon Bielak to get the third out and stop the bleeding at 6-0. The Astros would get on the board in the fifth, getting a runner on base to set up a two-run homer by Jason Castro to cut the lead to 6-2.



Bielak remained in the game to try and eat up as many innings as possible. While he continued to hold the Tigers to their six runs through the six innings, the Astros clawed back into the game. In the bottom of the sixth, Houston put their first two batters on base with a walk and single before an RBI-single by Yuli Gurriel to make it 6-3. They would threaten for more but be held there for the time being.

Astros can't cash in, Tigers complete sweep

Ryne Stanek was Houston's next reliever in the top of the seventh, getting a 1-2-3 frame to keep it a three-run game, as did Brooks Raley in the eighth. In the home part of the inning, the Astros put their first two runners on base on an error and a walk, then loaded them with a one-out single by Carlos Correa. They'd waste their chance to make something happen, though, with an inning-ending double-play.

Ryan Pressly, who had no save opportunities in recent games, entered to get some work in the top of the ninth. He worked around a leadoff double for a scoreless inning, sending the 6-3 game to the bottom of the ninth. The Astros had yet another chance to make something happen, loading the bases with no outs to bring the go-ahead run to the plate. After two outs, Yuli Gurriel would bring one run in with a walk, but that's as close as they'd come, extending their losing streak to five games and getting swept by the Tigers.

Up Next: Houston will get a much-needed day off tomorrow to try and leave this poor homestand behind them. They'll pick things up in Seattle on Friday, with first pitch of the opener of three games at 9:10 PM Central. The expected pitching matchup is Jose Urquidy (0-1, 5.23 ERA) for the Astros and Yusei Kikuchi (0-0, 3.75 ERA) for the Mariners.

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