THE COUCH SLOUCH

An open letter from Colin Kaepernick to potential NFL employers

Colin Kaepernick
Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

Couch Slouch has obtained an open letter sent to all 32 NFL franchises recently by one of the league's former employees – social injustice, self-empowerment and shoe spokesperson Colin Kaepernick.

Let me reintroduce myself.

Even though I have not had a job since 2016, I believe my resume speaks for itself.

I am 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds.

I was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47, in which I passed for 302 yards and rushed for 62.

I have a career 88.9 passer rating and hold the NFL record for most rushing yards by a QB in a playoff game (181).

I graduated from the University of Nevada with a degree in business management; I know how business works and I know who management is.

I had a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 4.0 GPA in college, plus I scored 38 on the Wonderlic Test before the 2011 NFL draft; I believe Kyler Murray posted just a 20 on that baby.

I represent Nike, a leading international footwear manufacturer.

I am in the best shape of my life.

I am well rested.

I run fast, if and when I am allowed to run.

I am willing to work weekends.

I watch First Take every morning when my girlfriend is out of town – well, I DVR it and watch it later, 'cause I never miss Live with Kelly and Ryan.

I have never dated a Kardashian.

I just won a Creative Arts Emmy for my "Dream Crazy" commercial.

The Bible verse Psalms 18:39 is tattooed on my right (throwing) arm.

I am a vegan, though would consider a non-plant-based or meat diet if the right team made an offer.

I was named Citizen of the Year by GQ in 2017 and I received the Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award in 2017, and I don't even subscribe to either magazine.

I will relocate just about anywhere, with a preference at the moment for Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Jacksonville or East Rutherford, N.J.

Would I cut my hair? Dang, I can still be woke with a shaved head.

Here's an abbreviated list of backup quarterbacks in the NFL right now: Jarrett Stidham, Ryan Finley, Garrett Gilbert, Devlin Hodges, A.J. McCarron, Joshua Dobbs, Mike Glennon, Cooper Rush, David Blough, Tim Boyle, Sean Mannion, Blaine Gabbert, Brett Hundley, Brandon Allen, Geno Smith, David Fales, and, of course, Josh McCown.

I like going out and staying in.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I recognize collusion when I see it.

I believe cotton is the purest fabric, but I am conflicted about it.

I wear apparel made by Chinese factory workers earning 23 cents an hour six days a week.

I wake up at 5 a.m. every day in the hopes that NFL Network's Good Morning Football announces I've been signed by somebody.

Even though I have been – and I believe this is the politically correct term – African-American-balled by the league, I am willing to let bygones be bygones.

If putting Adam Schefter on my speed dial would help me get a job, consider it done.

Even Jay-Z is not returning my phone calls lately.

I feel like the pit mix at the animal rescue shelter nobody wants to take home.

I am still a fan of the game. I have NFL Sunday Ticket, NFL Red Zone and just added ESPN+ to watch Chris Berman and Tom Jackson do NFL Primetime. God, I missed those nicknames.

I want to play.

Daniel Jones? Please.

With warmest regards, Colin

P.S. Because of chronic back problems, I usually kneel on the sidelines, before and during games.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Some of your readers are skeptical about your pick of the Jaguars to go to Super Bowl LIV. Do you think you'd get more support if you pick the Democratic candidate to win Presidential Election MMXX later next year? (Phillip Schwartz; Rockville, Md.)

A. The Jaguars may be 1-2, but I still like their chances better than the Democrats.

Q.What pointers do you have for my granddaughter, just starting her freshman year at the University of Maryland School of Journalism? (Bob Baker; Beckley, W.Va.)

A. 1. Don't go into journalism. 2. Don't park in loading zones.

Q.Do you select the earliest questions of the week to answer to give you more time to prepare a clever response? (Gary Weitzner; Kensington, Md.)

A. This was the last question I received this week.

Q.Will it be harder for Eli Manning to peddle fake game-worn memorabilia now that he is no longer starting? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If California enacts the law that pays student-athletes, will you lose your status as an amateur columnist? (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)

A. Pay this wiseacre, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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Isaac Paredes' versatility could be key early on for Houston. Photo by Rich Storry/Getty Image.

It would be kind of funny if Christian Walker simply decided he wanted to check out what the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo is all about. “Ow, my left oblique feels kind of sore. How about sending me to Houston for the weekend to get an MRI?” That would be quite a bodacious move, and total bull (props to you if you see what I did there). Of course, faking pain is not the case, and the Astros now cross their fingers that their 60-million dollar free agent signee doesn’t start his Houston tenure on the injured list. It certainly isn’t encouraging to know that Walker missed about 20 percent of last season with a left oblique injury. In 2021 he spent two stints on the IL because of right oblique problems. Obviously the Astros want return on their investment as quickly and as substantially as possible, but they would be fools not to treat this conservatively. Walker turns 34 years old the second day of the regular season. No one should be having night sweats just yet over the possibility that Walker is about to become Jose Abreu 2.0. Abreu was 36 when he debuted with the Astros. However, it is accurate to note that Abreu had a significantly higher WAR in his last season before joining the Astros than did Walker.

If Walker turns out to be sidelined for a month, that would mean the Astros need a first baseman for the first week and a half or so of the regular season. Let the drumbeat for Cam Smith begin! The sample size remains laughably small, but Smith continues to speak softly and swing a very, very big stick. If you’ll accept a .636 batting average as pretty good. It’s only 11 at bats. But yowza! If Walker is to be down into the regular season, and Smith keeps rocketing line drives in the Grapefruit League, the plot thickens. Smith only has 19 at bats above single-A. That’s 19 more than Albert Pujols had when the St. Louis Cardinals decided to have him in their lineup to begin the 2001 season. Albert did fairly well. He’s merely the greatest first baseman in National League history.

The much more conservative approach would be a platoon with Jon Singleton in the lineup against most right-handed pitchers and whoever is not catching between Yainer Diaz and Victor Caratini playing against lefties. Zach Dezenzo would be another option. Cam Smith is not an option to play first base, at least not early in 2025. Just in the last few days, he’s started doing some outfield drills because of the possible pathway to the big club in right field that I wrote about last week. Cam Smith is not going to make a huge jump to the big leagues and basically try to learn a new position on the fly there. However, Isaac Paredes owns a first baseman’s glove. Paredes started 13 games at first for the Rays last season. He made 40 starts total at first over the last three seasons, his only big league starts at first, after a grand total of two at first in the minors. Paredes temporarily moving to first would open up third base for Smith. Just sayin’...

What's in a name?

File this more under trivial than trivia, but here goes. When Isaac Paredes takes the field in the season opener, he officially becomes the third Paredes in Astros’ history. Utility man Jimmy Paredes got some run during the franchise deep in the abyss stage from 2010-13. Relief pitcher Enoli Paredes got 32 1/3 innings in over three seasons 2020-22. There have been only six guys named Paredes in MLB history. Come March 27 the Astros will have had half of them.

On the farm

MLB Pipeline this week released its in order ranking of the Astros’ top 30 prospects. Cam Smith is the obvious number one. Brice Matthews is number two. Drafted as a shortstop, Matthews has a better route to the bigs as a second baseman, given the Astros’ weak depth chart there with Jose Altuve becoming primarily a left fielder. Outfielder Jacob Melton is third. Considering the present state of the Astros’ outfield and that Melton turns 25 this September, if worth a darn, he should play his way on to the 26-man roster at some point this year. Catcher Walker Yanek ranks fourth. He was the Astros’ first round pick last July. Dezenzo rounds out the top five.

We’re under three weeks until Opening Day. Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!


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