THE COUCH SLOUCH

An open letter from Colin Kaepernick to potential NFL employers

Colin Kaepernick
Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

Couch Slouch has obtained an open letter sent to all 32 NFL franchises recently by one of the league's former employees – social injustice, self-empowerment and shoe spokesperson Colin Kaepernick.

Let me reintroduce myself.

Even though I have not had a job since 2016, I believe my resume speaks for itself.

I am 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds.

I was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47, in which I passed for 302 yards and rushed for 62.

I have a career 88.9 passer rating and hold the NFL record for most rushing yards by a QB in a playoff game (181).

I graduated from the University of Nevada with a degree in business management; I know how business works and I know who management is.

I had a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 4.0 GPA in college, plus I scored 38 on the Wonderlic Test before the 2011 NFL draft; I believe Kyler Murray posted just a 20 on that baby.

I represent Nike, a leading international footwear manufacturer.

I am in the best shape of my life.

I am well rested.

I run fast, if and when I am allowed to run.

I am willing to work weekends.

I watch First Take every morning when my girlfriend is out of town – well, I DVR it and watch it later, 'cause I never miss Live with Kelly and Ryan.

I have never dated a Kardashian.

I just won a Creative Arts Emmy for my "Dream Crazy" commercial.

The Bible verse Psalms 18:39 is tattooed on my right (throwing) arm.

I am a vegan, though would consider a non-plant-based or meat diet if the right team made an offer.

I was named Citizen of the Year by GQ in 2017 and I received the Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award in 2017, and I don't even subscribe to either magazine.

I will relocate just about anywhere, with a preference at the moment for Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Jacksonville or East Rutherford, N.J.

Would I cut my hair? Dang, I can still be woke with a shaved head.

Here's an abbreviated list of backup quarterbacks in the NFL right now: Jarrett Stidham, Ryan Finley, Garrett Gilbert, Devlin Hodges, A.J. McCarron, Joshua Dobbs, Mike Glennon, Cooper Rush, David Blough, Tim Boyle, Sean Mannion, Blaine Gabbert, Brett Hundley, Brandon Allen, Geno Smith, David Fales, and, of course, Josh McCown.

I like going out and staying in.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I recognize collusion when I see it.

I believe cotton is the purest fabric, but I am conflicted about it.

I wear apparel made by Chinese factory workers earning 23 cents an hour six days a week.

I wake up at 5 a.m. every day in the hopes that NFL Network's Good Morning Football announces I've been signed by somebody.

Even though I have been – and I believe this is the politically correct term – African-American-balled by the league, I am willing to let bygones be bygones.

If putting Adam Schefter on my speed dial would help me get a job, consider it done.

Even Jay-Z is not returning my phone calls lately.

I feel like the pit mix at the animal rescue shelter nobody wants to take home.

I am still a fan of the game. I have NFL Sunday Ticket, NFL Red Zone and just added ESPN+ to watch Chris Berman and Tom Jackson do NFL Primetime. God, I missed those nicknames.

I want to play.

Daniel Jones? Please.

With warmest regards, Colin

P.S. Because of chronic back problems, I usually kneel on the sidelines, before and during games.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Some of your readers are skeptical about your pick of the Jaguars to go to Super Bowl LIV. Do you think you'd get more support if you pick the Democratic candidate to win Presidential Election MMXX later next year? (Phillip Schwartz; Rockville, Md.)

A. The Jaguars may be 1-2, but I still like their chances better than the Democrats.

Q.What pointers do you have for my granddaughter, just starting her freshman year at the University of Maryland School of Journalism? (Bob Baker; Beckley, W.Va.)

A. 1. Don't go into journalism. 2. Don't park in loading zones.

Q.Do you select the earliest questions of the week to answer to give you more time to prepare a clever response? (Gary Weitzner; Kensington, Md.)

A. This was the last question I received this week.

Q.Will it be harder for Eli Manning to peddle fake game-worn memorabilia now that he is no longer starting? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If California enacts the law that pays student-athletes, will you lose your status as an amateur columnist? (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)

A. Pay this wiseacre, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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The Astros are cooking! Composite Getty Image.

The Houston Astros didn’t just sweep the Philadelphia Phillies. They sent a message.

In three tightly contested games against one of the best teams in baseball, the Astros leaned on their elite pitching and timely offense to secure a statement sweep. Hunter Brown was electric in the finale, shutting down the Phillies’ lineup and showing the kind of dominance that’s become a defining feature of his game. Bryan Abreu slammed the door with four strikeouts to close out the win, and rookie Cam Smith delivered the deciding blow — an RBI single in the eighth to drive in Isaac Paredes, lifting the Astros to a 2-1 victory.

It wasn’t a series filled with offensive fireworks, but that’s exactly the point. Both teams sent out top-tier pitching throughout the series, and Houston was the team that kept finding a way. For much of the season, the Astros’ inconsistent offense might’ve been a concern in a series like this. But this time, it felt different. The bats showed up just enough, and the pitching did the rest.

Now, with Houston on pace for 96 wins at the halfway point, the question becomes: Is the league officially on notice?

Maybe. Maybe not. But one thing is certain, the Astros have the third-best record in baseball, they’re 17-7 in one-run games, and they’re playing with the kind of rhythm that’s defined their near-decade of dominance. Unlike last year’s uneven campaign, this version of the Astros looks like a team that’s rediscovered its edge. Whether or not they need to take care of business against the Cubs to validate it, their recent run leaves little doubt: when Houston is clicking, there are very few teams built to stop them.

Off the field, however, a bit of long-term uncertainty is starting to creep in. Reports surfaced this week that extension talks with shortstop Jeremy Peña have been put on hold as he recently signed with super-agent Scott Boras. The combination has led many to wonder if Peña might follow the same free-agent path as Alex Bregman, Carlos Correa, and others before him. Boras clients rarely settle early, and Peña, now one of the most valuable shortstops in the game, could command a price tag the Astros have historically avoided paying.

If Peña and even Hunter Brown are likely to get priced out of Houston, the front office may need to pivot. Isaac Paredes could be the most logical extension candidate on the roster. His approach — particularly his ability to pull the ball with authority — is tailor-made for Daikin Park and the Crawford Boxes. Last year, Paredes struggled to leave the yard at Wrigley Field, but in Houston, he’s thriving. Locking him in long term would give the Astros offensive stability and the kind of value they’ve typically targeted.

As for Cam Smith, the breakout rookie is far from free agency and will remain a cost-controlled piece for years. That’s exactly why his contributions now, like his clutch eighth-inning knock to beat Philadelphia, matter so much. He's one more reason why the Astros don’t just look good right now. They look dangerous.

And the rest of the league is starting to feel it.

There's so much more to get to! Don't miss the video below as we examine the topics above and much, much more!

The MLB season is finally upon us! Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and Charlie Pallilo for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday.

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*ChatGPT assisted.

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