THE COUCH SLOUCH
An open letter from Colin Kaepernick to potential NFL employers
Couch Slouch has obtained an open letter sent to all 32 NFL franchises recently by one of the league's former employees – social injustice, self-empowerment and shoe spokesperson Colin Kaepernick.
Let me reintroduce myself.
Even though I have not had a job since 2016, I believe my resume speaks for itself.
I am 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds.
I was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47, in which I passed for 302 yards and rushed for 62.
I have a career 88.9 passer rating and hold the NFL record for most rushing yards by a QB in a playoff game (181).
I graduated from the University of Nevada with a degree in business management; I know how business works and I know who management is.
I had a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 4.0 GPA in college, plus I scored 38 on the Wonderlic Test before the 2011 NFL draft; I believe Kyler Murray posted just a 20 on that baby.
I represent Nike, a leading international footwear manufacturer.
I am in the best shape of my life.
I am well rested.
I run fast, if and when I am allowed to run.
I am willing to work weekends.
I watch First Take every morning when my girlfriend is out of town – well, I DVR it and watch it later, 'cause I never miss Live with Kelly and Ryan.
I have never dated a Kardashian.
I just won a Creative Arts Emmy for my "Dream Crazy" commercial.
The Bible verse Psalms 18:39 is tattooed on my right (throwing) arm.
I am a vegan, though would consider a non-plant-based or meat diet if the right team made an offer.
I was named Citizen of the Year by GQ in 2017 and I received the Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award in 2017, and I don't even subscribe to either magazine.
I will relocate just about anywhere, with a preference at the moment for Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Jacksonville or East Rutherford, N.J.
Would I cut my hair? Dang, I can still be woke with a shaved head.
Here's an abbreviated list of backup quarterbacks in the NFL right now: Jarrett Stidham, Ryan Finley, Garrett Gilbert, Devlin Hodges, A.J. McCarron, Joshua Dobbs, Mike Glennon, Cooper Rush, David Blough, Tim Boyle, Sean Mannion, Blaine Gabbert, Brett Hundley, Brandon Allen, Geno Smith, David Fales, and, of course, Josh McCown.
I like going out and staying in.
I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.
I recognize collusion when I see it.
I believe cotton is the purest fabric, but I am conflicted about it.
I wear apparel made by Chinese factory workers earning 23 cents an hour six days a week.
I wake up at 5 a.m. every day in the hopes that NFL Network's Good Morning Football announces I've been signed by somebody.
Even though I have been – and I believe this is the politically correct term – African-American-balled by the league, I am willing to let bygones be bygones.
If putting Adam Schefter on my speed dial would help me get a job, consider it done.
Even Jay-Z is not returning my phone calls lately.
I feel like the pit mix at the animal rescue shelter nobody wants to take home.
I am still a fan of the game. I have NFL Sunday Ticket, NFL Red Zone and just added ESPN+ to watch Chris Berman and Tom Jackson do NFL Primetime. God, I missed those nicknames.
I want to play.
Daniel Jones? Please.
With warmest regards, Colin
P.S. Because of chronic back problems, I usually kneel on the sidelines, before and during games.
Ask The Slouch
Q. Some of your readers are skeptical about your pick of the Jaguars to go to Super Bowl LIV. Do you think you'd get more support if you pick the Democratic candidate to win Presidential Election MMXX later next year? (Phillip Schwartz; Rockville, Md.)
A. The Jaguars may be 1-2, but I still like their chances better than the Democrats.
Q. What pointers do you have for my granddaughter, just starting her freshman year at the University of Maryland School of Journalism? (Bob Baker; Beckley, W.Va.)
A. 1. Don't go into journalism. 2. Don't park in loading zones.
Q. Do you select the earliest questions of the week to answer to give you more time to prepare a clever response? (Gary Weitzner; Kensington, Md.)
A. This was the last question I received this week.
Q. Will it be harder for Eli Manning to peddle fake game-worn memorabilia now that he is no longer starting? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. If California enacts the law that pays student-athletes, will you lose your status as an amateur columnist? (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)
A. Pay this wiseacre, too.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email firstname.lastname@example.org and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!