THE COUCH SLOUCH

An open letter from Colin Kaepernick to potential NFL employers

Norman Chad
Sep 23, 2019, 5:56 am
Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

Couch Slouch has obtained an open letter sent to all 32 NFL franchises recently by one of the league's former employees – social injustice, self-empowerment and shoe spokesperson Colin Kaepernick.

Let me reintroduce myself.

Even though I have not had a job since 2016, I believe my resume speaks for itself.

I am 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds.

I was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47, in which I passed for 302 yards and rushed for 62.

I have a career 88.9 passer rating and hold the NFL record for most rushing yards by a QB in a playoff game (181).

I graduated from the University of Nevada with a degree in business management; I know how business works and I know who management is.

I had a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 4.0 GPA in college, plus I scored 38 on the Wonderlic Test before the 2011 NFL draft; I believe Kyler Murray posted just a 20 on that baby.

I represent Nike, a leading international footwear manufacturer.

I am in the best shape of my life.

I am well rested.

I run fast, if and when I am allowed to run.

I am willing to work weekends.

I watch First Take every morning when my girlfriend is out of town – well, I DVR it and watch it later, 'cause I never miss Live with Kelly and Ryan.

I have never dated a Kardashian.

I just won a Creative Arts Emmy for my "Dream Crazy" commercial.

The Bible verse Psalms 18:39 is tattooed on my right (throwing) arm.

I am a vegan, though would consider a non-plant-based or meat diet if the right team made an offer.

I was named Citizen of the Year by GQ in 2017 and I received the Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award in 2017, and I don't even subscribe to either magazine.

I will relocate just about anywhere, with a preference at the moment for Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Jacksonville or East Rutherford, N.J.

Would I cut my hair? Dang, I can still be woke with a shaved head.

Here's an abbreviated list of backup quarterbacks in the NFL right now: Jarrett Stidham, Ryan Finley, Garrett Gilbert, Devlin Hodges, A.J. McCarron, Joshua Dobbs, Mike Glennon, Cooper Rush, David Blough, Tim Boyle, Sean Mannion, Blaine Gabbert, Brett Hundley, Brandon Allen, Geno Smith, David Fales, and, of course, Josh McCown.

I like going out and staying in.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I recognize collusion when I see it.

I believe cotton is the purest fabric, but I am conflicted about it.

I wear apparel made by Chinese factory workers earning 23 cents an hour six days a week.

I wake up at 5 a.m. every day in the hopes that NFL Network's Good Morning Football announces I've been signed by somebody.

Even though I have been – and I believe this is the politically correct term – African-American-balled by the league, I am willing to let bygones be bygones.

If putting Adam Schefter on my speed dial would help me get a job, consider it done.

Even Jay-Z is not returning my phone calls lately.

I feel like the pit mix at the animal rescue shelter nobody wants to take home.

I am still a fan of the game. I have NFL Sunday Ticket, NFL Red Zone and just added ESPN+ to watch Chris Berman and Tom Jackson do NFL Primetime. God, I missed those nicknames.

I want to play.

Daniel Jones? Please.

With warmest regards, Colin

P.S. Because of chronic back problems, I usually kneel on the sidelines, before and during games.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Some of your readers are skeptical about your pick of the Jaguars to go to Super Bowl LIV. Do you think you'd get more support if you pick the Democratic candidate to win Presidential Election MMXX later next year? (Phillip Schwartz; Rockville, Md.)

A. The Jaguars may be 1-2, but I still like their chances better than the Democrats.

Q. What pointers do you have for my granddaughter, just starting her freshman year at the University of Maryland School of Journalism? (Bob Baker; Beckley, W.Va.)

A. 1. Don't go into journalism. 2. Don't park in loading zones.

Q. Do you select the earliest questions of the week to answer to give you more time to prepare a clever response? (Gary Weitzner; Kensington, Md.)

A. This was the last question I received this week.

Q. Will it be harder for Eli Manning to peddle fake game-worn memorabilia now that he is no longer starting? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If California enacts the law that pays student-athletes, will you lose your status as an amateur columnist? (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)

A. Pay this wiseacre, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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FANTASY FOOTBALL ADD/DROPS

Week 11 working the waiver wire: Willswitch engage

Photo by Scott Halleran/Getty Images

I can't believe we're already talking about Week 11, which means the fantasy playoffs are right around the corner. This week, 4 teams won't be playing (Packers, Titans, Seahawks, and Giants) so expect this to be a fairly busy week on the waiver wire. Keep in mind the owner % mentioned is for 10-team standard ESPN PPR leagues. Some of these players below are good for the short-term, while others have more long-term value. You have to make the call on what your team needs. Immediate help to start this week, or a player to stash on your bench and hope he breaks out. Let's get started.

QB

Derek Carr: Here's what I wrote about Carr last week:

I know it's hard to trust Carr off of name value, but he's been good for fantasy. His rookie RB Josh Jacobs looks like a stud, and Tyrell Williams has been a nice addition. He also has a good o-line and a below average defense, which are both great for fantasy. He's rostered in 37% of 10-team leagues, and he has good matchups against the Bengals and Jets coming up after this Thursday's game. Caution: This week could be tough since he's playing the Chargers, but at least the game is at home and stashing him to use for Weeks 11 and 12 could pay big dividends.

Hopefully, you stashed him and can use him the next 2 weeks. In Week 10, Lamar Jackson ripped the Bengals to pieces and Daniel Jones had 4 TDs against the Jets, so fire up Carr for the next two weeks. He's currently rostered in 37% of 10-team ESPN leagues.

Kyle Allen: Allen really played well against the Packers, and I have to admit he's a better player than I thought. Before the Falcons beat the Saints this week, Allen's matchup couldn't have looked much better. Either way, he's worth using if you need a QB to fill in for the bye week. He's out there in 90% of 10-team leagues.

Nick Foles: Foles made my article last week too, and not much has changed since the Jags were on a bye, except the Colts losing to the Dolphins. Which means Foles might produce for your fantasy team in his matchup against Indy this week. He's widely available.

RB

Brian Hill: It's officially the time of year when we plug players we've never heard of into our lineups and hope for the best. The Packers had a lot of success with their ground game against the Panthers, so Hill has a shot. Devonta Freeman is banged up, so Hill looks like the guy if Freeman doesn't play. Ian Rapoport is reporting that Freeman will be out for a couple weeks, so Hill's a decent short-term play. He's available in 99% of leagues.

Derrius Guice: If Guice is ready to return from injury, he could make Peterson worthless. It's hard to know what the Redskins will do though. Maybe just stash him and see what happens. His first 2 matchups are great (Jets, Lions). If he returns and gets the majority of the touches, look out. He's only rostered in 38% of 10-team leagues.

Adrian Peterson: He's clearly more valuable in non-PPR. He has 2 great matchups, so he's worth grabbing. Also, he might have been dropped so add him if he's available. We'll see if Guice is ready to return and receive a big workload, so that could change things. We'll have to wait and see. He's owned in 55% of leagues.

J.D. McKissic: He got 16 touches against the Bears. I know you won't be thrilled to start him, but he is getting a fair amount of work. He's currently rostered in 16% of leagues.

Alexander Mattison: If Dalvin Cook goes down, he could be a league winner. He's worth stashing for sure and only owned in 20% of leagues.

WR

Will Fuller: If he's been dropped in your league, this is the time to pick him up. He has a really tough matchup against the Ravens if he plays this week, but all he needs is one big play to come through for you. He's available in 45% of 10-team leagues. *Update: He returned to practice on Monday, so he should play.

Dede Westbrook: He's another guy that might have been dropped, and Foles taking the job back from Minshew should be very good news for Westbrook. He gets the Colts and Titans over the next 2 weeks, so it could be worse. He's rostered in 59% of leagues.

DeVante Parker: I wrote about Parker last week, and although he wasn't great (5 receptions for 69 yards), he didn't kill you either. He's not a guy you want to start this week though having a brutal matchup against Tre'Davious White and the Bills. You can pick him up in 55% of leagues.

Darius Slayton: He had a huge game against the Jets on Sunday, so now is a good time to stash him. He's on a bye this week, so many owners will avoid adding him. He's out there in 83% of leagues.

Deep league dart throw:

Hunter Renfrow: With the Bengals and Jets coming up, he could be a sneaky-good flex option. Both of those defenses have been torched by WRs, and Carr is targeting him more. He's out there in 92% of leagues.

TE

Jared Cook: Upon returning from injury, Cook caught 6 balls for 74 yards. This week, he gets to play a Bucs secondary that is flat out terrible. He's owned in 74% of leagues, but add him if he's out there.

Darren Fells: Fells only caught one pass against the Jags in London, but at least it was a TD. He'll have his hands full against the Ravens this week, but Watson will continue to look for him in the red zone. He might have been dropped while the Texans had their bye week. Fells is currently owned in 26% of leagues.

O.J. Howard: If he didn't come through with some production against the Cardinals, he'd officially be dead to fantasy owners. He's still hard to trust, but the TE position is so bad this year that he deserves consideration. He plays the Saints this week, and they're a little banged up in the secondary. Rostered in 45% of leagues.

Noah Fant: I know it was just one big game (115-yards, 1TD), but there's a reason he was drafted in the 1st round, and he should continue to get targets with Emmanuel Sanders in San Francisco now. He's widely available.

DEF

The Oakland Raiders look like a team you can stream this week with a tasty matchup against the Bengals. Oakland forced Philip Rivers into 3 interceptions last week, so they're viable.

If you have any questions, feel free to hit me up on Twitter. Be sure to check out my show MoneyLine with Jerry Bo on ESPN 97.5FM. We're on every Sunday morning from 10-noon, and we'll talk a lot of fantasy football and NFL gambling getting you ready for kickoff every Sunday.

@JoshJordan975

@Moneyline975

@JerryBoKnowz

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