THE COUCH SLOUCH

An open letter from Colin Kaepernick to potential NFL employers

Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

Couch Slouch has obtained an open letter sent to all 32 NFL franchises recently by one of the league's former employees – social injustice, self-empowerment and shoe spokesperson Colin Kaepernick.

Let me reintroduce myself.

Even though I have not had a job since 2016, I believe my resume speaks for itself.

I am 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds.

I was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47, in which I passed for 302 yards and rushed for 62.

I have a career 88.9 passer rating and hold the NFL record for most rushing yards by a QB in a playoff game (181).

I graduated from the University of Nevada with a degree in business management; I know how business works and I know who management is.

I had a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 4.0 GPA in college, plus I scored 38 on the Wonderlic Test before the 2011 NFL draft; I believe Kyler Murray posted just a 20 on that baby.

I represent Nike, a leading international footwear manufacturer.

I am in the best shape of my life.

I am well rested.

I run fast, if and when I am allowed to run.

I am willing to work weekends.

I watch First Take every morning when my girlfriend is out of town – well, I DVR it and watch it later, 'cause I never miss Live with Kelly and Ryan.

I have never dated a Kardashian.

I just won a Creative Arts Emmy for my "Dream Crazy" commercial.

The Bible verse Psalms 18:39 is tattooed on my right (throwing) arm.

I am a vegan, though would consider a non-plant-based or meat diet if the right team made an offer.

I was named Citizen of the Year by GQ in 2017 and I received the Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award in 2017, and I don't even subscribe to either magazine.

I will relocate just about anywhere, with a preference at the moment for Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Jacksonville or East Rutherford, N.J.

Would I cut my hair? Dang, I can still be woke with a shaved head.

Here's an abbreviated list of backup quarterbacks in the NFL right now: Jarrett Stidham, Ryan Finley, Garrett Gilbert, Devlin Hodges, A.J. McCarron, Joshua Dobbs, Mike Glennon, Cooper Rush, David Blough, Tim Boyle, Sean Mannion, Blaine Gabbert, Brett Hundley, Brandon Allen, Geno Smith, David Fales, and, of course, Josh McCown.

I like going out and staying in.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I recognize collusion when I see it.

I believe cotton is the purest fabric, but I am conflicted about it.

I wear apparel made by Chinese factory workers earning 23 cents an hour six days a week.

I wake up at 5 a.m. every day in the hopes that NFL Network's Good Morning Football announces I've been signed by somebody.

Even though I have been – and I believe this is the politically correct term – African-American-balled by the league, I am willing to let bygones be bygones.

If putting Adam Schefter on my speed dial would help me get a job, consider it done.

Even Jay-Z is not returning my phone calls lately.

I feel like the pit mix at the animal rescue shelter nobody wants to take home.

I am still a fan of the game. I have NFL Sunday Ticket, NFL Red Zone and just added ESPN+ to watch Chris Berman and Tom Jackson do NFL Primetime. God, I missed those nicknames.

I want to play.

Daniel Jones? Please.

With warmest regards, Colin

P.S. Because of chronic back problems, I usually kneel on the sidelines, before and during games.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Some of your readers are skeptical about your pick of the Jaguars to go to Super Bowl LIV. Do you think you'd get more support if you pick the Democratic candidate to win Presidential Election MMXX later next year? (Phillip Schwartz; Rockville, Md.)

A. The Jaguars may be 1-2, but I still like their chances better than the Democrats.

Q. What pointers do you have for my granddaughter, just starting her freshman year at the University of Maryland School of Journalism? (Bob Baker; Beckley, W.Va.)

A. 1. Don't go into journalism. 2. Don't park in loading zones.

Q. Do you select the earliest questions of the week to answer to give you more time to prepare a clever response? (Gary Weitzner; Kensington, Md.)

A. This was the last question I received this week.

Q. Will it be harder for Eli Manning to peddle fake game-worn memorabilia now that he is no longer starting? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If California enacts the law that pays student-athletes, will you lose your status as an amateur columnist? (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)

A. Pay this wiseacre, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

NFL Week 11

NFL Week 11: Good, bad and ugly

Jenna Watson, Indy Star

Week 11 in the NFL is in the books. We saw great performances, even better celebrations, and perhaps some of the worst calls from officials. Here's how I saw it play out:

The Good

-The Colts' offensive lineman Quenton Nelson thought he scored on a fullback dive and what ensued was a celebration that should be top 5 this season: they simulated a keg stand and used a fellow lineman as the human keg! Was it choreographed? Of course. But these guys get style point nonetheless because it's something we haven't seen before. He didn't get in after review, but the celebration was still awesome.
-Cowboys quarterback Dak Prescott had himself a game against the Lions. The Cowboys needed all 444 of his passing yards and three touchdowns to beat the hapless Lions who were playing with backup quarterback Jeff Driskel. This was one of those games in which his contract demands went up like a good day at the Stock Market. But just like the market, it can fall quickly.
-The Patriots defense is for real. Despite their one hiccup against potential league MVP Lamar Jackson and the Ravens, they've been lights out. They beat the Eagles 17-10 and held the Eagles to only 255 total yards, sacked Carson Wentz five times, and held them to 3.9 yards per pass and the same per run. The aforementioned Prescott and Cowboys come to Foxboro next week and should present another test.

The Bad

-The Falcons have won their last two games by a combined score of 55-12. Not only did they dominate, but they beat the top two teams in their division. Why would I say this is bad? Because they're only 3-7 after those two wins! This team is way too talented to have that bad of a record after 10 games. Their Super Bowl hangover has lasted two seasons now!

-The 3-6 Broncos were up 23-7 over the Vikings heading into the 4th quarter in Minnesota. They ended the day 3-7 after giving up 20 unanswered points. They only committed one turnover which was a first half interception that the Vikings failed to do anything with. They simply stopped being able to move the ball or stop the Vikings from scoring. Remember when they decided to stand pat at the trade deadline? Wondering if Broncos general manager John Elway is regretting that decision now?

-Here's a reminder that the Bears moved up from #3 to #2 unnecessarily to draft Mitchell Trubisky and passed on Pat Mahomes and Deshaun Watson. Trubisky went 24/43 for 190 yards with a touchdown and an interception, as well as getting sacked once. Not only do they have kicker issues, but the guy pulling the trigger for them sucks. Guess having the TVs off at Halas Hall to drown out the noise didn't help.

The Ugly

-Broncos fullback Andy Janovich suffered a gruesome injury Sunday. The injury occurred when he caught a short pass and tried to brace himself for the tackle, but ended up dislocating his elbow. It was so bad, CBS refused to show any replays of the play. Think of the Alex Smith leg injury, but at the elbow.

-Browns defensive end Myles Garrett and Steelers quarterback Mason Rudolph were at the center of a melee Thursday night. It started with Rudolph being a jackass and trying to rip Garrett's helmet off after he got hit. Garrett, in turn, ripped Rudolph's helmet off and managed to hit him with it which sparked an all out brawl between the two teams. A number of guys were suspended and/or fined, but Garrett received an indefinite suspension. Sure it's not wise to hit a guy with a helmet after ripping it off, but an indefinite suspension is a bit much NFL.

-Pass interference is the new catch rule. Remember a few years ago when the league tried to define waht was and wasn't a catch, only they never really did and we're still all not sure? Pass interference is now the same thing. In the 49ers vs Cardinals game, Cardinals linebacker Joe Walker was flagged for PI after 49ers fullback Kyle Juszczyk tackled him! Texans' wide receiver DeAndre Hopkins was interferred with at least twice on one play, no flag was thrown and the ruling on the field was upheld upon challenge. Seriously, something needs to be done because the refs simply aren't doing their jobs when it comes to the calls and challenges.

By opening Pandora's Box on being able to review pass interference, I don't think the league and competition committee really took into consideration human nature. How likely is a ref to admit he or one of his crew messed something up? On the other hand, it's been great seeing the celebrations the last couple years. For as much as we bitch and complain about things in the league, it's pretty healthy. Games are good, young players are stepping up as new stars, but there's still much left to be desired. We'll all keep coming back for more because the product is so enjoyable and popular. It's like that one restaurant you go to time and again despite the service not being up to par, but the food is so good, you don't mind paying the prices they charge.

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