THE COUCH SLOUCH

An open letter from Colin Kaepernick to potential NFL employers

Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

Couch Slouch has obtained an open letter sent to all 32 NFL franchises recently by one of the league's former employees – social injustice, self-empowerment and shoe spokesperson Colin Kaepernick.

Let me reintroduce myself.

Even though I have not had a job since 2016, I believe my resume speaks for itself.

I am 6-foot-4 and 230 pounds.

I was the starting quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers in Super Bowl 47, in which I passed for 302 yards and rushed for 62.

I have a career 88.9 passer rating and hold the NFL record for most rushing yards by a QB in a playoff game (181).

I graduated from the University of Nevada with a degree in business management; I know how business works and I know who management is.

I had a 4.0 GPA in high school and a 4.0 GPA in college, plus I scored 38 on the Wonderlic Test before the 2011 NFL draft; I believe Kyler Murray posted just a 20 on that baby.

I represent Nike, a leading international footwear manufacturer.

I am in the best shape of my life.

I am well rested.

I run fast, if and when I am allowed to run.

I am willing to work weekends.

I watch First Take every morning when my girlfriend is out of town – well, I DVR it and watch it later, 'cause I never miss Live with Kelly and Ryan.

I have never dated a Kardashian.

I just won a Creative Arts Emmy for my "Dream Crazy" commercial.

The Bible verse Psalms 18:39 is tattooed on my right (throwing) arm.

I am a vegan, though would consider a non-plant-based or meat diet if the right team made an offer.

I was named Citizen of the Year by GQ in 2017 and I received the Sports Illustrated Muhammad Ali Legacy Award in 2017, and I don't even subscribe to either magazine.

I will relocate just about anywhere, with a preference at the moment for Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, New Orleans, Jacksonville or East Rutherford, N.J.

Would I cut my hair? Dang, I can still be woke with a shaved head.

Here's an abbreviated list of backup quarterbacks in the NFL right now: Jarrett Stidham, Ryan Finley, Garrett Gilbert, Devlin Hodges, A.J. McCarron, Joshua Dobbs, Mike Glennon, Cooper Rush, David Blough, Tim Boyle, Sean Mannion, Blaine Gabbert, Brett Hundley, Brandon Allen, Geno Smith, David Fales, and, of course, Josh McCown.

I like going out and staying in.

I enjoy long walks on the beach at sunset.

I recognize collusion when I see it.

I believe cotton is the purest fabric, but I am conflicted about it.

I wear apparel made by Chinese factory workers earning 23 cents an hour six days a week.

I wake up at 5 a.m. every day in the hopes that NFL Network's Good Morning Football announces I've been signed by somebody.

Even though I have been – and I believe this is the politically correct term – African-American-balled by the league, I am willing to let bygones be bygones.

If putting Adam Schefter on my speed dial would help me get a job, consider it done.

Even Jay-Z is not returning my phone calls lately.

I feel like the pit mix at the animal rescue shelter nobody wants to take home.

I am still a fan of the game. I have NFL Sunday Ticket, NFL Red Zone and just added ESPN+ to watch Chris Berman and Tom Jackson do NFL Primetime. God, I missed those nicknames.

I want to play.

Daniel Jones? Please.

With warmest regards, Colin

P.S. Because of chronic back problems, I usually kneel on the sidelines, before and during games.

Ask The Slouch

Q. Some of your readers are skeptical about your pick of the Jaguars to go to Super Bowl LIV. Do you think you'd get more support if you pick the Democratic candidate to win Presidential Election MMXX later next year? (Phillip Schwartz; Rockville, Md.)

A. The Jaguars may be 1-2, but I still like their chances better than the Democrats.

Q. What pointers do you have for my granddaughter, just starting her freshman year at the University of Maryland School of Journalism? (Bob Baker; Beckley, W.Va.)

A. 1. Don't go into journalism. 2. Don't park in loading zones.

Q. Do you select the earliest questions of the week to answer to give you more time to prepare a clever response? (Gary Weitzner; Kensington, Md.)

A. This was the last question I received this week.

Q. Will it be harder for Eli Manning to peddle fake game-worn memorabilia now that he is no longer starting? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. If California enacts the law that pays student-athletes, will you lose your status as an amateur columnist? (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)

A. Pay this wiseacre, too.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

NFL PR has more than a Myles Garrett Problem

Gut reaction to Browns - Steelers: Ugly brawl, hits yet another bad look

Getty images

As I watched Myles Garrett being punched and kicked on the ground by Pittsburgh Steelers offensive linemen, I couldn't help but feel bad for the NFL public relations team. Last night's game was a PR nightmare. What will dominate sports headlines for the foreseeable future is Myles Garrett's inexcusable action where he tore the helmet off Mason Rudolph and then proceeded to use that helmet as a weapon to strike Rudolph on the head. However the unfortunate truth is that the game was a PR mess before that brawl even started.

For the past few years the NFL has had issues with its image on topics ranging from substance abuse problems to the game being regarded as "unsafe." Here is a recap of all the issues the Browns – Steelers match-up couldn't help but showcase last night.

Headlines prior to the game starting:

  • Cleveland RB Kareem Hunt – Headlines about Hunt returning back from suspension for "multiple physical altercations". Though his first game back was Nov 10th against Buffalo, we are still in the first week of his return and pre-game talk was focused on his history.
  • Cleveland WR Antonio Callaway – Was released by the team before the game for violating the substance-abuse policy. Though he will appeal the upcoming 10 game suspension, the team decided to waive the WR immediately.

Injuries:

  • Steelers WR JuJu Smith-Schuster – Exited the game in the 2nd quarter after absorbing two simultaneous helmet-to-helmet hits. Smith-Schuster appeared to be motionless on the ground for some time.
  • Steelers WR Diontae Johnson – Exited the game in the 3rd quarter after taking a brutal helmet-to-helmet shot from Browns Safety Damarious Randall. Randall was ejected for the hit and we all got to watch Johnson be helped off the field while blood was gushing from his ear.
  • Steelers RB James Conner – Was playing in his first game back from injury, appears to have re-injured his shoulder in the 2nd quarter.

It is worth noting here that the Steelers were already missing QB Ben Roethlisberger who is out for the season with an elbow injury. As a result of these injuries the Steelers offense was unable to function for most of the game. Backup Quarterback Mason Rudolph finished with 4 interceptions and a 10.8 QBR.

The Brawl:

  • Cleveland DE Myles Garret – Will most likely be suspended for the rest of the year for his actions. The Brawl started when Garret threw Rudolph to the ground in what looked like a late hit to the QB. Rudolph's actions to escalate the situation cannot be overlooked, but for Garret to use a helmet as a weapon was completely inexcusable.
  • Pittsburgh QB Mason Rudolph – Rudolph came off as the victim but my gut tells me he will be punished as well. Rudolph took issue with Garret's late hit and is caught on tape trying to pull Garret's helmet off first. Also, as Garret is being pulled away it is Rudolph who runs at Garret to restart the fight. Rudolph called the helmet hit "cowardly" and "bush league" in the post-game press conference but his own actions may fall into that bush-league category.
  • Browns DE Larry Ogunjobi – Came in after he saw Rudolph get hit on the head with the helmet and than proceeded to push Rudolph to the ground from behind… That one left me scratching my head.
  • Pittsburgh Offensive Linemen Maurkice Pouncey & David DeCastro – After Garret struck Rudolph, Pouncey and DeCastro threw Garret to the ground where they repeatedly punched and kicked him. Of all the actions that took place, this one at least made sense as the line was defending their QB. However that probably won't stop suspensions and fines from heading their way. The whole "start a fight after your QB gets hit" thing may need to be re-examined if these guys miss significant time.

The trend we are seeing in the US is that more and more parents are refusing to let their children play football for fear of it being an unsafe and dangerous game. The NFL has been doing everything in its power to fight against that image, but Thursday's game was a failure on all fronts.

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