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According to The New York Times the other day, "nearly every sporting event, major and minor, has been canceled, moved or postponed because of the coronavirus pandemic." I did not know that – largely because I have been lying prone on a foam mattress under my couch in self-isolation, awaiting word of life outside – but they are the paper of record, so I believe them.
"The question now, to which no one really knows the answer," The Times wrote, "is when games will come back."
Well, I thought to be myself, if no one really knows the answer, I really have time right now to find the answer. So I got on the horn – that's a late 19th-century expression for making a phone call – and contacted every single sports league and federation.
Here's where we stand:
Olympics. The 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo had been pushed back to 2021. But the Summer Games are now going to push back to 2022, to coincide with the Winter Games – however, not in Beijing, where the Winter Games were originally scheduled. Rather, borrowing from Mark Twain's phrase, "If you don't like the weather in [fill in the blank], just wait five minutes," the unprecedented Summer-Winter twin bill will be in Bismarck, North Dakota, for maximum climatic flexibility.
PGA. The tour returns June 11, with nearly a full slate of events for the rest of the year. Alas, there will be a stunning modification: If neither Tiger Woods nor Phil Mickelson is in the top 10 through three rounds, the event will end on Saturday after 54 holes, and the two golfing icons then will go head-to-head in "The Match" on Sunday. It will be marketed "winner take all," but, heck, it probably won't be.
NBA and NHL. In a groundbreaking compact, the two leagues will converge, with all 61 teams occupying Biosphere 2 in Oracle, Ariz. Originally intended to study the use of closed biospheres in space colonization, Biosphere 2 will be reconfigured to resemble Madison Square Garden and Xcel Energy Center, allowing the leagues to complete their 2019-20 seasons. Unlimited seating is available through Ticket Master and StubHub.
NCAA. Everything in Division 1 sports is on hold, forcing overcrowding in our institutions of higher learning's virtual classrooms online as many student-athletes attend courses and seminars for the first time. Note: Even if college football season is canceled, all bowl games will be played as scheduled, with Alabama meeting Clemson for the national championship.
Horse racing. Taking advantage of the postponement of the Kentucky Derby and the indefinite closure of most racetracks, the nation's thoroughbreds voted, 198,269-3, to never race again. "We're done," 2015 Triple Crown winner American Pharoah said from his stud farm in Versailles, Kent. "If anyone had ever bothered to ask, we would've told them that we hate to race."
UFC. Due to brush back from various localities and ESPN in regard to the wisdom of mixed martial arts bouts returning mid-pandemic – and in case the three cards planned for Jacksonville next month are scratched – Dana White plans to pivot to cockfighting and dogfighting pay-per-view events. Jim Gray has been hired as the sideline reporter.
World Series of Poker. I will host it Nov. 19-21 at my 1,300-square-foot home in Los Angeles. Yes, social distancing will be a problem, but we'll figure it out. In addition, players' $10,000 Main Event entry fee will include a choice of Toni's fabulous pesto-crusted salmon on a bed of wilted spinach or Toni's sublime chicken breast in artichoke champagne sauce.
Boston Marathon. Postponed until Sept. 14, America's premier long-distance foot race will shift the competition to NordicTrack Commercial X32i treadmills at 1,400 Planet Fitness locations nationwide, via Zoom.
NFL. The season actually will start on schedule Sept. 10, with sold-out stadiums. The biggest concern will be proper implementation of former replay rules in regard to pass interference – and potential negative fan feedback – because, now, more than ever, you want to get it right.
Major League Soccer. There are no plans to ever resume MLS, unless five or six people create a groundswell.
Ask The Slouch
Q.Have you considered moving to Georgia? They opened up their bowling alleys last week. (Levi Goldfarb; Temple Hills, Md.)
A. There is a time to bowl, and this is not it; I am honoring the sport with a beer frame nightly at home.
Q. Would you consider MLB's light punishment to the Red Sox in the 2018 video cheating scandal the proverbial "slap on the wrist"? (Jessica Abrams; Portland, Ore.)
A. Actually, it felt more like a "Go get 'em, boys!" slap on the butt.
Q.Thanks for giving us some out-loud guffaws. When did you write for "I Love Lucy"? (Karen Hoffman; McLean, Va.)
A. That was before my time – I wrote for "Here's Lucy."
Q. When the NBA resumes play, will Commissioner Adam Silver mandate that defensive players stay six feet away from offensive players? Oh, wait! (Mike Kupiec; Green Island, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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With the Astros now officially ten games under .500 for the season, manager Joe Espada is taking a lot of heat from the fanbase for the team's struggles.
While we don't agree with the sentiment, we even hear fans clamoring for the return of Dusty Baker and Martin Maldonado, thinking the Astros wouldn't be in this mess if they were still here.
Which is ridiculous. First of all, Maldonado has been awful for the White Sox, hitting .048 (even worse than Jose Abreu's .065). And for those of you that think his work with the pitching staff justifies his pathetic offense. Let me say this: Where was Maldy's game calling genius for Hunter Brown, Cristian Javier, and Framber Valdez last year? All of them regressed significantly.
And as far as Baker is concerned, we have no idea how much a difference he would make, we can only speculate. Baker would also be dealing with a pitching staff ravaged with injuries. And let's not forget, Baker was the guy that refused to move Jose Abreu down in the batting order, even though he would finish the regular season with the ninth-worst OPS in baseball.
The reality of the situation is managers can only do so much in baseball. Which leads us to something else that needs to be considered. Is Espada being handcuffed by the front office? Espada and GM Dana Brown both said recently that Jon Singleton was going to get more at-bats while they give Abreu time off to try to figure things out. Yet, there Abreu was in the lineup again in the opening game of the Cubs series.
It makes us wonder how much power does Espada truly have? The Astros have some other options at first base. Yainer Diaz may only have eight games played at the position, but how much worse could he be than Abreu defensively? Abreu already has four errors, and Diaz is obviously a way better hitter. Victor Caratini isn't considered a plus offensive player, but his .276 batting average makes him look like Babe Ruth compared to Abreu. Let him catch more often and play Diaz at first. Starting Diaz at first more often could also lengthen his career long-term.
Maybe that's too wild of a move. Okay, fine. How about playing Mauricio Dubon at first base? I understand he doesn't have much experience at that position, but what's the downside of trying him there? If he can play shortstop, he can play first base. He's driving in runs at a higher rate (11 RBIs) than everyone on the team outside of Kyle Tucker and Yordan Alvarez. And he's producing like that as part-time player right now.
The other criticism we see of Espada is his use of Jon Singleton to pinch hit late in games. Let's be real, though, who else does Espada have on the roster to go to? Batting Abreu late in games in which you're trailing should be considered malpractice. Espada can only use who he has to work with. This all really stems from the Astros poor farm system.
They don't have anyone else to turn to. The draft picks the club lost from the sign-stealing scandal are really hurting them right now. First and second rounders from 2020 and 2021 should be helping you in 2024 at the big league level.
Maybe they go to Astros prospect Joey Loperfido soon, but after a hot start he has only two hits in his last six games.
Finally, we have to talk about what seems like a committee making baseball decisions. Lost in a committee is accountability. Who gets the blame for making poor decisions?
As time continues to pass it looks like moving on from former GM James Click was a massive mistake. He's the guy that didn't sign Abreu, but did trade Myles Straw (recently DFA'd) for Yainer Diaz and Phil Maton. He also built an elite bullpen without breaking the bank, and helped the club win a World Series in 2022.
The reality of the situation is Dusty Baker and James Click are not walking back through that door. And all good runs come to an end at some point. Is this what we're witnessing?
Don't miss the video above as we hit on all the points discussed and much more!
Catch Stone Cold 'Stros (an Astros podcast) with Charlie Pallilo, Brandon Strange, and Josh Jordan. We drop two episodes every week on SportsMapHouston's YouTube channel. You can also listen on Apple Podcast, Spotifyor wherever you get your podcasts.