BARRY BAD THINGS

Barry Laminack: 7 things I hate about sports

Celebrations should happen when you actually win something big. Ezra Shaw/Getty Images

I'm by no means an old man, but at 44 years old there are some things that bother me - and I don't care if you don't like it.

I'm not old school in that I don't think anybody should be having fun out there on the court or field, definitely not. It’s just that some of it is annoying to me.

These young whippersnappers might like it, sure, but they need to stay the hell off my lawn!

Also my back hurts and I need a nap.

And who took my tools? I can't find my hammer so I’m pretty sure somebody broke into my garage and stole it because there’s no way I just misplaced it.

Anyway, here are 7 things I hate about sports, grouped by league but in no particular order.

NBA

Pregame Handshakes

The pre-game “handshake” is getting out of control. First of all, the players are acting like they haven’t seen each other in months, when in reality they just saw each other in the locker room.

And what used to be a simple “high five” is now a choreographed dance. I swear the next step is to have some guy yelling out steps like they do at a square dance.

“Everyone Box The Gnat!

Prominade!

Now we Do Si Do.”

(yes, I had to google that sh--)

The hoody warm-up

Let's be real Mr. NBA player; it's not cold in the gym so you don't need to wear the hoodie. You're only doing it because you think you look cool, but you actually don't. You look like a scuba diver that just got out of the water.

Free throw celebrations

This has been bothering me for YEARS now. So much so that I’m kind of actually used to it. High fives and dap should be reserved for celebrating a great accomplishment. Making a free throw, aka THE EASIEST SHOT IN BASKETBALL, shouldn't be celebrated.

This is especially true IF YOU MISS THE DAMN THING!

NFL

Uniform Strictness

Hey NFL, lighten up already.

There’s a reason somebody said that NFL stood for “No Fun League.”

Let the teams be free to explore different options for their uniforms. If some teams want to stay traditional so be it, that's their option, but let other teams that want to try different color schemes and different uniform looks do so. Take a page out of the Oregon Ducks book for goodness sake. It's fun and people gravitate to it, and it might just help you sell more merch.

BASEBALL

Regular season walk-off win celebration

Winning 1 of 162 games isn’t that big of a deal, but you wouldn’t know that when you watch most teams celebrating a walk off win. In fact, if you didn't know any better you’d think said team just won the World Series.

Save that for the October, not for game 47 in May.

Exception to the celebration is the bat flip. I love the bat flip. We definitely need more bat flips in baseball. I want bat flips so grand that StatCast starts to track their launch angle.

Home run nicknames

I'm looking at you, “Springer Dinger” fans.

This might be the dumbest thing ever. How about we just call it a home run and enjoy it for what it is. It doesn't have to have a fancy name, does it?

OK I really like “McCannon baaaall” (said by Geoff Blum, when Brian McCann goes yard). That one's really great, otherwise they're all just really stupid.

All right I really just hate Springer dinger.

Also, I'm super pissed that no one ever called it a “Conger Donger” when Hank Conger was here and would go deep, #MissedOpportunity.

The Unwritten Rules of Baseball

Could someone please write all the #&(%@*$! rules down, already? I can't keep up with all this nonsense used by these sensitive ass baseball players. I swear to Zeus, baseball should be the choice of millennial sports fans the way some guys in the game are so sensitive about what amounts to absolutely nothing.

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