THE COUCH SLOUCH
Calling a foul on the grammar police, replay apologists
Oct 7, 2019, 6:56 am
Kevin C Cox/Getty Images
Note to readers: I had not planned to pen a second consecutive column on officiating, but a couple of readers got me really riled up.
So one reader emailed that I "misused" the term "slippery slope" and another told me I had "misappropriated" the term last week when I wrote that replay as an officiating tool is a slippery slope.
Balderdash.
Incidentally, whether I use or misuse, appropriate or misappropriate any term is up to me. It's my column, my time, my two cents' worth – well, at least until we ban the penny. So bug off and go read The New Yorker if you crave more precise and correct use of the language.
And, what, now we're going to have replay challenges on my column? No, no, no, no, no. I write it, you read it, and we move on. I'm not going to sit here beholden to every Tom, Dick and Harriet googling my every proclamation and preposition.
I stand by my work, week in and week out. Like Andy Reid just said, "Not all of Mozart's paintings were perfect."
But I digress.
For those of you who found my "slippery slope syndrome" explanation wanting, let me then switch replay gears and present my "small barking dog syndrome."
Sometimes there is a small, barking dog at your ankles that keeps nipping at your pants cuff. It's irritating, yet not enough to do more than shake your leg occasionally to free yourself of the dog's grip. But then you look down several minutes later and notice that this small barking yapping irritating creature has ripped your pants leg completely wide open.
And, there, my friends, you have the basic problem of replay as an officiating tool.
So I again plead to Sports Nation – let's return to kinder, simpler pre-replay days.
(People often fault me for "living in the past." Uh, I can't live in the future, can I? I am the product of two centuries; both have their merits and their flaws. Alas, replay as an officiating tool was mindlessly birthed in the 20th century and is reaching its devastating potential in the 21st century. Then again, since I have serious doubts if there will be a 22nd century, this problem might solve itself.)
Many people think officiating, particularly in the NFL and the NBA, is worse than ever; it's not. The officials are just scrutinized more than ever.
Do you think there was replay review when the games used to be only on radio?
Are games harder to officiate now because athletes are bigger, stronger and faster? Maybe. But it's definitely harder to officiate when millions are officiating alongside you. There are even websites, like footballzebras.com, that assess and review officials' calls 24-7.
Trust me, it would not be half as fun being an actuary if every line of your work were under replay review.
And when's the last time you saw, say, a ballet or an opera stopped because of a replay challenge? Man, those would be momentum killers – for instance, La Boheme would lose all of its steam if, just before Mimi's climactic coughing fit, Schaunard questions the receipt on the pink bonnet that Rodolpho has bought for her and throws the challenge flag.
The fact of the matter is, there are fouls and penalties committed on virtually every possession in basketball, football and life.
If you whistled every foul in the NBA by the book, every player would foul out.
If you called every holding by an offensive lineman or every pass interference, NFL games would take five hours.
If you held a U.S. president accountable for every high crime and misdemeanor committed while in the Oval Office, we wouldn't have a president.
Sometimes – particularly on the field of play – you just have to let stuff go.
(Best I can tell, the major professional sport least affected at this point by replay is hockey. So, maybe, just maybe – I know I'm going to regret this – NHL, here I come! When does the regular season start?)
Ask The Slouch
Q. When the Chicago Bears announced Mitch Trubisky injured his "non-throwing shoulder," did your finely honed journalism instincts lead you to ask if the team could be more specific? (Jeremy Sandler; Toronto)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Even the slightest improvement in equipment can give an athlete a competitive advantage. Shouldn't some company start making underwear for left-handed men? (Jack Leininger; Spokane, Wash.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q.Do you have any insight as to whether NBA referee Scott Foster is the "whistleblower" that President Trump is looking for? (Elliott Jaffa; Arlington, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q.Do you miss when the Washington R*dsk*ns used to win the offseason? I mean, it was a win. (Mike Garland; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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How Astros advanced metrics tell puzzling story about Houston's start
Apr 17, 2025, 5:21 pm
Major League Baseball’s regular season is 162 games long. You can think of 18 games as the first inning of the season, 18 times nine equaling 162. While the Astros 8-10 record is not good, it’s far from disastrous. Think of it as them being behind 1-0 after the first inning. It is pretty remarkable that they have yet to win consecutive games. Even during last year’s 7-19 stink bomb of a start the Astros twice managed to win two in a row.
The Astros’ offensive woes are plentiful. Oddly enough as impotent as they’ve been, the Astros have yet to be shutout. But in half their games they have scored exactly one or two runs. Basically, most of them stink thus far. Exemptions go to Jose Altuve and Isaac Paredes, but it’s not like either of them has been outstanding. It’s still early enough that one big series can dramatically alter the numbers, but the Astros badly need Yordan Alvarez to pick up his production. Yordan enters the weekend batting just .224 with a .695 OPS and just four extra base hits. Yainer rhymes with minor. As in minor leagues, where Diaz belongs at his current level of performance. That is not saying Diaz should be sent down, just that any random AAA catcher called up couldn’t have done much worse to this point. Diaz isn’t hitting Altuve’s weight, a woeful .130 with seven hits in 57 at bats. Diaz simply remains too undisciplined at the plate swinging at too many balls. He’s drawn three walks. And now to Christian Walker, who thus far has delivered return on investment for his three year 60 million dollar contract about as strong as the stock market’s performance in Tariff Time. Walker’s .154 batting average and .482 OPS are very Astro Jose Abreu-like. Walker’s23 strikeouts in 65 at bats jump off the page. He has often looked befuddled in the batter's box. Walker is definitely pressing and frustrated, wanting to perform better for his new team. Jeremy Pena goes into the weekend batting .215 and has one hit in 13 at bats with runners in scoring position. Brendan Rodgers, Jake Meyers, and Chas McCormick all have weak stat lines, with little reason to expect quality offensive output from any of them. Cam Smith is at .200 with a yucky .591 OPS but he’s obviously a young stud work in progress thrown into the deep end of the pool.
All batting orders are top-heavy, the Astros’ on paper more so than many. As I set forth on one of our Stone Cold ‘Stros podcasts this week, the first inning should be a team’s best offensive inning. It’s the only frame in which a team gets to dictate who comes up from the start with the batters lined up just as the manager slots them. Add to that, the first inning is a good time to get to a starting pitcher before he settles in. The Astros have scored a pitiful three first inning runs in 18 games, and in two of the games they pushed one across in the first, it turned out to be the only Astro run of the game. Improvement needs to come internally from the big league roster. It’s not as if the Astros have a meaningful prospect at AAA Sugar Land who looks ready to help. Entering play Thursday the Space Cowboys’ team average was .186. Second base hopeful Brice Matthews is nowhere close, batting .180 and striking out left and right. Outfielder Jacob Melton opened three for 17 following the back injury-delayed start to his season.
As exasperating and boring as the offense has been for so many, grading needs to occur on a curve. So, while the Astros’ team batting average is a joke at .216, know that at close of business Wednesday the entire American League was batting just .232. The American League West-leading Texas Rangers scored eight fewer runs over their first 18 games than did the Astros, though that is skewed by the Astros’ one 14-run outburst against the Angels.
Familiar faces return
This weekend the Astros play host to the San Diego Padres at Daikin Park. The Friars are off to a fabulous start at 15-4. The Padres being here creates a mini reunion as both Martin Maldonado and Yuli Gurriel are on their roster. In a telling fact, Maldonado would have the third-highest batting average on the Astros if on the team with his current numbers. Maldonado is hitting .250 with seven hits in 28 at bats. The last season he finished above .200 was 2020. The only season in his career Maldonado topped .234 was his rookie season with a .266 mark in 2012.
Gurriel was last good in 2021 when he won the American League batting title at .319. He fell off a cliff from there, though perked up to have a fine postseason in the Astros’ 2022 run to World Series title number two. “La Pina” is batting .115 with just three hits in 26 at bats. Gurriel may be released soon, and approaching his 41st birthday June 9, that would probably be the end of the line. Short-timer Astro Jason Heyward is also on the Padres, and batting .190.
For Astro-centric conversation, join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!
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