Every-Thing Sports

Comparing Houston sports teams and players to everyday items

Comparing Houston sports teams and players to everyday items
Yes, there is a Texans crock pot. Jermaine Every/SportsMap

I got off work Monday and Mad Dog texted me to pick up some eggs because she wants to make cornbread since the wife was making loaded baked potato soup for dinner. She’s pretty good at making cornbread for a 12 year old. As I walked into the grocery store, I saw the picture you see above. Yes. Someone actually thought about putting a Texans logo on a crock pot. If I remember correctly, it was priced at about $49.99.

We often see players, teams, and leagues peddle different items with their faces and/or logos on them. But this one got me to thinking: what everyday items do some of the local players and teams compare to? When my mind wanders, it can go in some pretty strange places. Let’s take a look where it wandered pondering this question:

James Harden is…an electric car

The electric car, and its close relative the hybrid, are the new wave in the auto industry. Sure they have been around for years, but they have recently become cool thanks to better looking designs (such as Teslas), as well as their environmentally friendliness. However, electric cars can only go about 200 miles or so before you have to stop for an hour or more to recharge them. Sound familiar? See every Rocket playoff run since 2012.

The Astros are…Netflix

Netflix has been around since 1997 and launched on April 14, 1998 as the world’s first online DVD rental company. It moved to a subscription-based operation the following year and has constantly evolved. Over the last few years, its popularity has grown immensely as it has offered new, fresh, exclusive content. The Astros have enjoyed a similar arch. They took their time to build a machine that appears to be built for the long haul.

The Dynamo are…after-market phone charger cords

I’m not talking about the cool ones that you get online. I’m talking about the ones you see at the gas station or drug store counters. They are reliable, sturdy, offer a new twist, but are underappreciated. The Dynamo won the MLS Cup in their first two seasons and have been a steady competitor ever since. The atmosphere at a Dynamo game can be felt all over EaDo. Why this comparison? My gas station charge cord is longer and more durable than the one that came with the phone, yet the factory version costs three times as much to replace. Go figure.

The Texans are…knock off purses

At first glance, one might not know the difference. They have the same logo, same size, they may even weigh the same. However, upon further review, the stitching is a different color, the leather is actually “pleather”, and the metal emblem is spray-painted stainless steel. It only takes a keen eye to be able to tell the difference between the real deal and a knock off. Most Texans fans don’t realize this team was bought online from China because they get fooled every year into thinking this team has a legit shot. Here’s how you spot the difference.

The Rockets are…cubic zirconia

Once again, another fake luxury item most people can commonly get confused. There have been a high number of people fooled by thinking they have high quality jewelry, when in fact they don’t. The Rockets year after year make it to the playoffs, but can never close the deal. It’s almost as if a guy proposes to a girl with a cheap ring prompting her to say yes, only for the relationship to soon crumble when she realizes she’s been had by phony jewelry.

JJ Watt is…pumpkin spice (fill in the blank)

The whole pumpkin spice flavor craze hit its peak a few years ago. When it first hit, people went crazy for it! It was a new twist on something we’ve had before. Next thing you know, it was infiltrating everything. Now, it’s just about run its course and is starting to get annoying. Hopefully it takes a break and comes back strong.

Jose Altuve is…the old school metal can opener

It’s small, reliable, and often taken for granted. Then comes that special time of year when you’re cooking all sorts of food and your fancy electric can opener can’t quite get the job done. You can always rely on the old school metal can opener. Altuve is a throwback hitter that hits for average and makes contact on everything, just like that can opener that can open any can.

I know some of you won’t agree with what I’ve written, and I don’t care because you clicked on the link and have read this far. Those of you that do agree I love y’all. And for everyone in between, pick a damn side, but by all means keep reading my stuff either way you feel.

 

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The Cubs beat the Astros, 12-3. Composite Getty Image.

Kyle Tucker launched a three-run homer and matched a season high with four hits against the team that traded him in December, and the Chicago Cubs routed Houston 12-3 on Saturday night to stop the Astros' five-game winning streak.

Tucker also scored four times to pace a Cubs lineup that pounded out 15 hits, including three by Dansby Swanson. Seiya Suzuki, Michael Busch and Nico Hoerner also went deep.

Chicago hit three homers in an inning for the second time this season during a seven-run fourth. Busch and Hoerner had back-to-back solo shots to put the Cubs on top 3-2, and Tucker’s drive made it 7-2.

The offensive outburst came in support of Colin Rea (5-3), who allowed two runs and five hits over five innings. The only blemish on his line was rookie Cam Smith’s two-run homer in the third, which briefly gave the Astros a 2-1 lead.

Smith, part of the package Houston received for Tucker, finished with two hits and has homered in consecutive games for the first time in his career.

Lance McCullers Jr. (1-3) came off the injured list and allowed eight runs on seven hits over 3 1/3 innings.

Isaac Paredes, also part of the Astros' trade return for Tucker, hit his 17th home run.

Key moment

Tucker’s three-run homer in the fourth that put the Cubs ahead 7-2.

Key stat

McCullers has a 10.89 ERA in five home starts this season, but hasn’t allowed an earned run in three road starts.

Up next

Houston LHP Framber Valdez (8-4, 2.88 ERA) opposes RHP Jameson Taillon (7-5, 4.77 ERA) when the series concludes Sunday.

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