THE COUCH SLOUCH
Do you miss the sports world? Here are some futures wagers to keep you entertained
Mar 16, 2020, 6:55 am
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Bye bye all American sports/
Drove my Chevy to the ballgame but it was out of sorts/
And those 'First Take' boys were talking madness in March/
Singing no Duke-Kansas say it's a lie/
That'll be the day that sports die
-- Don McLean's "American Pie II"
What do we do now?
Sports fans have put all their eggs in one basket for so long, they've tossed out every other basket in the house. So now, many of them, in the face of a deadly worldwide covid-19 pandemic, can only think, "Why does it all feel so empty?"
There's nothing left. I pride myself on keeping sports in perspective, yet on many nights I mindlessly graze from ESPN to FS1 to NBA TV to ESPN2 to NBCSN to Fox Sports West.
But this week?
I just saw Joe Lunardi on an L.A. exit ramp with a sign, "Will Bracketology for Food."
NBA, gone. NHL, gone. MLB, gone. Final Four, gone.
The one time I was going to turn to Major League Soccer? MLS, gone.
I always complain that sports occupy too big a presence in our lives, that our values are skewed and our priorities fouled up with the overemphasis on athletic glory. Yet I understand it is a companion for many, a constant entertainment-and-distraction option. It is an emotional crutch for millions, often the only beacon of light on an otherwise dark horizon.
I kind of miss it, too.
I clicked on the TV the other night and all I saw was a "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" marathon.
So I clicked off the TV, closed my eyes and saw my entire adult life flash before me – wasted hours, lost promise, salsa stains on the couch.
Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (and Then Some), looked at me and said, "Let's talk."
Let's talk? What is she, nuts? We've only survived 12½ of years of marriage by not talking. Every time I open my mouth, it's an oral apocalypse; I haven't said the right thing since stammering out, "I do." The less I speak, the better – this is a family consensus.
In silence, I realized that all of Sports Nation is in dire straits.
I feel particularly bad for many wagering acquaintances – they wake up each day expecting to make a sports bet.
I once had the same affliction: Years ago, I played in a Washington, D.C., underground poker game in which a couple of players were cheating as partners, the dealer was in cahoots with another regular and I would lose virtually every week. Why did I keep going back? It was the only game in town. And, like my current-day gambling buddies, I needed the action.
Anyway, sports books and bookies are not going to curl up and close shop; they have BMWs to pay for. So while you cannot get down on Lakers-Jazz tonight – all of 2020 is gone, my friends – you can still make "futures" wagers, and even though I generally discourage sports betting, I am here to pick up our spirits and hand out a few smart, wet-your-whistle selections:
* 2021 NFL season. Take Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to make the playoffs. You can get 14-to-1 on that right now; it's a bargain.
* 2024 Summer Olympics. Japanese men's gymnast Takeru Kitazono is a marvel – a stone-cold immortal lock to take the gold in the parallel bars. In fact, he's such a gifted athlete, I'd bet on Kitazono on any event he enters in the 2026 Winter Olympics.
* 2028 NBA championship. The Philadelphia 76ers. Yes, the Philadelphia 76ers. They will ask you to Trust The Process ITAL again, END ITAL and this time The Process will work.
* 2032 presidential election. Donald Trump Jr. as the Republican nominee, at 12-1, is like FREE MONEY.
And, finally, let me leave you with a three-team teaser parlay:
I am betting there will be NO horse racing, NO cash transactions and NO Starbucks anywhere in America in 2050.
When I cash that ticket, I will drive my electric car to Sizzler!
Ask the Slouch
Q. With MLB on hiatus, Cincinnati Reds pitchers Trevor Bauer and David Carpenter are trying to organize a sandlot baseball game in Arizona. Doesn't this still go against the notion of proper social distancing? (John Hadler; Portland, Ore.)
A. Bases are 90 feet apart, no?
Q.If Iona is under quarantine for the coronavirus, how can Rick Pitino bring in escorts for his basketball recruits? (Mark Nelson; Vienna, Va.)
A. With all of intercollegiate athletics shut down, somehow it seems like the perfect time for Pitino to return to coaching.
Q.If Wrestlemania 36 is finally canceled, would that be the definition of "fake news"? (Alan Klein; Potomac, Md.)
A. I think the more polite term here is "scripted news."
Q.In a world that suddenly isn't funny, are you about to become king? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. As a lifelong pauper, I'd be pleased enough to become prince.
Q.Is it true that Daniel Snyder and James Dolan are leading the U.S. government efforts to reduce large public gatherings at sports stadiums? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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C.J. Stroud and Anthony Richardson found themselves in the same spot when they met in Week 2 last season.
Both quarterbacks were top-five draft picks, lost their season openers and seemed to be facing a steep learning curve.
Richardson won Round 1 in Houston, although he didn't finish the game.
Stroud took Round 2 in Indianapolis with the injured Richardson watching from the sideline as Texans clinched the AFC South title and Stroud locked up his runaway selection as NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year.
On Sunday, each QB begins his second pro season — with a lot still to prove.
“I’m excited. First official game back with my guys and my teammates,” said Richardson, who had season-ending shoulder surgery last October. "I want to win. So, whatever I’ve got to do to do that, I’m going to do it.”
Winning a season opener certainly would be a welcome change for a franchise that last started 1-0 in 2013. The 10-game winless streak is easily the NFL's longest active streak.
But that's just a start for Richardson.
He needs to improve his accuracy after completing a pedestrian 59.5% of his throws in 2023 and must demonstrate he can finish games. He missed 13 last season and only finished one of his four starts because of an assortment of injuries, including the concussion that knocked him out of that Week 2 matchup at Houston after he ran for two scores.
Stroud, meanwhile, is coming off one of the most successful rookie seasons in NFL history.
He became just the third player in a half-century to lead the league in yards passing per game (273.9) and touchdown-to-interception ratio (4.6 to 1), won a playoff game and made hist first Pro Bowl appearance.
How can he improve on a season like that? By showing last season was a building block — not a fluke. He has a stronger supporting cast, too, with Joe Mixon, a four-time 1,000-yard rusher, and Stefon Diggs, who has four straight 100-catch seasons, now in the mix.
The long journey begins Sunday in Indianapolis.
“I want to just start fast,” Stroud said. “It doesn't have to do with a certain game, just in general this season. Last year, we started off really slow and just kind of had to build our way back. It's not an easy thing to do, so I would say this year we want to start fast.”
Nico vs. Colts
Houston receiver Nico Collins had two of his biggest games last season against Indy — catching seven passes for 146 yards and one TD in the Week 2 matchup only to outperform those numbers with a 195-yard day that included a 75-yard TD catch in Week 18.
He could play an even bigger role this time with Indy's young secondary trying to match up not only with Collins but also Diggs, Mixon and tight end Dalton Schultz.
“Nico is a playmaker,” Texans coach DeMeco Ryans said. “Every time I see him, he’s a true playmaker. So, you just have to get Nico the ball in any way, shape or fashion. Just find a way to get him the ball just to see how explosive and how dynamic he is.”
Taylor made
Injuries and a contract dispute prevented Jonathan Taylor from replicating the form he used to win the 2021 NFL rushing title. Starting against the Texans could be just what he needs.
In six games against Houston, Taylor has rushed for seven TDs and 135.2 yards per game — his highest average against any team he's faced multiple times. And in that rematch with Houston in Week 18, he finished with 30 carries for 188 yards, the NFL's highest single-game total all season.
Confident Anderson
Houston defensive end Will Anderson, last season’s AP Defensive Rookie of the Year, will play Sunday after recovering from an ankle injury that limited his training camp snaps.
The No. 3 overall pick in 2023 had 45 tackles, 10 for loss, and 7 1/2 sacks as a rookie. He expects to be even better this season.
“I’m way more comfortable,” he said. “Just going into Year 2 knowing the scheme better, knowing what to expect a little bit more and knowing what’s going to happen gives you more confidence.”
Pass rush
The Colts lost their 2023 sacks leader, Samson Ebukam, with a torn Achilles tendon during training. But they may have the perfect replacement.
Laiatu Latu was the first defensive player taken in April's draft, at No. 15 overall, and he's shown coaches that the moves he used to record 23 1/2 sacks over his last two college seasons can work in the NFL.
“We know that there’s going to be a learning curve there," defensive coordinator Gus Bradley said. "We know there are going to be plays that we’re going to come in and say there were some good plays, and there were plays he wishes he had back — we understand that. But just his overall mentality and skill set, we’re very excited to see.”