THE COUCH SLOUCH
Do you miss the sports world? Here are some futures wagers to keep you entertained
Mar 16, 2020, 6:55 am
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Bye bye all American sports/
Drove my Chevy to the ballgame but it was out of sorts/
And those 'First Take' boys were talking madness in March/
Singing no Duke-Kansas say it's a lie/
That'll be the day that sports die
-- Don McLean's "American Pie II"
What do we do now?
Sports fans have put all their eggs in one basket for so long, they've tossed out every other basket in the house. So now, many of them, in the face of a deadly worldwide covid-19 pandemic, can only think, "Why does it all feel so empty?"
There's nothing left. I pride myself on keeping sports in perspective, yet on many nights I mindlessly graze from ESPN to FS1 to NBA TV to ESPN2 to NBCSN to Fox Sports West.
But this week?
I just saw Joe Lunardi on an L.A. exit ramp with a sign, "Will Bracketology for Food."
NBA, gone. NHL, gone. MLB, gone. Final Four, gone.
The one time I was going to turn to Major League Soccer? MLS, gone.
I always complain that sports occupy too big a presence in our lives, that our values are skewed and our priorities fouled up with the overemphasis on athletic glory. Yet I understand it is a companion for many, a constant entertainment-and-distraction option. It is an emotional crutch for millions, often the only beacon of light on an otherwise dark horizon.
I kind of miss it, too.
I clicked on the TV the other night and all I saw was a "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" marathon.
So I clicked off the TV, closed my eyes and saw my entire adult life flash before me – wasted hours, lost promise, salsa stains on the couch.
Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (and Then Some), looked at me and said, "Let's talk."
Let's talk? What is she, nuts? We've only survived 12½ of years of marriage by not talking. Every time I open my mouth, it's an oral apocalypse; I haven't said the right thing since stammering out, "I do." The less I speak, the better – this is a family consensus.
In silence, I realized that all of Sports Nation is in dire straits.
I feel particularly bad for many wagering acquaintances – they wake up each day expecting to make a sports bet.
I once had the same affliction: Years ago, I played in a Washington, D.C., underground poker game in which a couple of players were cheating as partners, the dealer was in cahoots with another regular and I would lose virtually every week. Why did I keep going back? It was the only game in town. And, like my current-day gambling buddies, I needed the action.
Anyway, sports books and bookies are not going to curl up and close shop; they have BMWs to pay for. So while you cannot get down on Lakers-Jazz tonight – all of 2020 is gone, my friends – you can still make "futures" wagers, and even though I generally discourage sports betting, I am here to pick up our spirits and hand out a few smart, wet-your-whistle selections:
* 2021 NFL season. Take Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to make the playoffs. You can get 14-to-1 on that right now; it's a bargain.
* 2024 Summer Olympics. Japanese men's gymnast Takeru Kitazono is a marvel – a stone-cold immortal lock to take the gold in the parallel bars. In fact, he's such a gifted athlete, I'd bet on Kitazono on any event he enters in the 2026 Winter Olympics.
* 2028 NBA championship. The Philadelphia 76ers. Yes, the Philadelphia 76ers. They will ask you to Trust The Process ITAL again, END ITAL and this time The Process will work.
* 2032 presidential election. Donald Trump Jr. as the Republican nominee, at 12-1, is like FREE MONEY.
And, finally, let me leave you with a three-team teaser parlay:
I am betting there will be NO horse racing, NO cash transactions and NO Starbucks anywhere in America in 2050.
When I cash that ticket, I will drive my electric car to Sizzler!
Ask the Slouch
Q. With MLB on hiatus, Cincinnati Reds pitchers Trevor Bauer and David Carpenter are trying to organize a sandlot baseball game in Arizona. Doesn't this still go against the notion of proper social distancing? (John Hadler; Portland, Ore.)
A. Bases are 90 feet apart, no?
Q.If Iona is under quarantine for the coronavirus, how can Rick Pitino bring in escorts for his basketball recruits? (Mark Nelson; Vienna, Va.)
A. With all of intercollegiate athletics shut down, somehow it seems like the perfect time for Pitino to return to coaching.
Q.If Wrestlemania 36 is finally canceled, would that be the definition of "fake news"? (Alan Klein; Potomac, Md.)
A. I think the more polite term here is "scripted news."
Q.In a world that suddenly isn't funny, are you about to become king? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. As a lifelong pauper, I'd be pleased enough to become prince.
Q.Is it true that Daniel Snyder and James Dolan are leading the U.S. government efforts to reduce large public gatherings at sports stadiums? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
The MLB trade deadline is officially in the books, and the Houston Astros came away with two left-handed pitchers. The first trade was made on Monday when Houston sent Jake Bloss, Joey Loperfido, and Will Wagner to the Blue Jays for starting pitcher Yusei Kikuchi (4-9, 4.75 ERA).
On Tuesday, the 'Stros addressed the bullpen by adding Yankees reliever Caleb Ferguson (1-3, 5.13 ERA). In exchange for Ferguson, the Astros sent the Yanks High-A Ball right-handed pitcher Kelly Austin.
Not everyone is happy with the moves
The Astros have received a lot of criticism for the Kikuchi trade, with most analysts saying the Blue Jays got over on the 'Stros. Which had many fans upset that the Astros would trade with the Blue Jays, considering Houston's former GM James Click currently works in Toronto's front office.
Many feel like he had extra motivation to squeeze the Astros after he and the team parted ways after winning the World Series in 2022.
There are people that believe Click lost a power struggle to Dusty Baker and Jeff Bagwell. Whether that is true or not is up for debate, but that is the perception of how things went down, like it or not.
Which leads to one of the biggest questions about the trade. Why deal with Click and the Blue Jays at all? Click knows the Astros farm system probably as well as Astros GM Dana Brown does. So he knows which players to ask for, and how the Astros owner and advisers operate at the trade deadline behind the scenes.
There were plenty of other options the club could have pursued, which may not have come with such a hefty price tag.
For instance, A's starting pitcher Paul Blackburn was traded to the Mets on Tuesday. New York only had to send away their third round pick from last year to get that deal done.
Blackburn does have some concerns. He recently returned to the big league roster and pitched for the A's on July 26 after rehabbing a foot injury that he sustained in May. Maybe the Astros didn't want to take the chance on another injury.
But the point is, he's a back of the rotation starter just like Kikuchi, and he costed significantly less to acquire. He's also under contract in 2025 unlike Kikuchi.
On the bright side
The Astros have been able to acquire pitchers in the past, coach them up, and make them significantly better. Kikuchi has great stuff to work with, and no one knows how good the prospects they traded away will turn out to be.
If Kikuchi can take some innings off the rest of the staff, and help the team make the postseason, most fans will likely be happy with the deal.
Be sure to watch the video above as we go live and cover every angle of the Astros 2024 trade deadline and what it means for the club moving forward.