THE COUCH SLOUCH

Do you miss the sports world? Here are some futures wagers to keep you entertained

Norman Chad

Mar 16, 2020, 6:55 am

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Bye bye all American sports/

Drove my Chevy to the ballgame but it was out of sorts/

And those 'First Take' boys were talking madness in March/

Singing no Duke-Kansas say it's a lie/

That'll be the day that sports die

-- Don McLean's "American Pie II"

What do we do now?

Sports fans have put all their eggs in one basket for so long, they've tossed out every other basket in the house. So now, many of them, in the face of a deadly worldwide covid-19 pandemic, can only think, "Why does it all feel so empty?"

There's nothing left. I pride myself on keeping sports in perspective, yet on many nights I mindlessly graze from ESPN to FS1 to NBA TV to ESPN2 to NBCSN to Fox Sports West.

But this week?

I just saw Joe Lunardi on an L.A. exit ramp with a sign, "Will Bracketology for Food."

NBA, gone. NHL, gone. MLB, gone. Final Four, gone.

The one time I was going to turn to Major League Soccer? MLS, gone.

I always complain that sports occupy too big a presence in our lives, that our values are skewed and our priorities fouled up with the overemphasis on athletic glory. Yet I understand it is a companion for many, a constant entertainment-and-distraction option. It is an emotional crutch for millions, often the only beacon of light on an otherwise dark horizon.

I kind of miss it, too.

I clicked on the TV the other night and all I saw was a "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" marathon.

So I clicked off the TV, closed my eyes and saw my entire adult life flash before me – wasted hours, lost promise, salsa stains on the couch.

Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (and Then Some), looked at me and said, "Let's talk."

Let's talk? What is she, nuts? We've only survived 12½ of years of marriage by not talking. Every time I open my mouth, it's an oral apocalypse; I haven't said the right thing since stammering out, "I do." The less I speak, the better – this is a family consensus.

In silence, I realized that all of Sports Nation is in dire straits.

I feel particularly bad for many wagering acquaintances – they wake up each day expecting to make a sports bet.

I once had the same affliction: Years ago, I played in a Washington, D.C., underground poker game in which a couple of players were cheating as partners, the dealer was in cahoots with another regular and I would lose virtually every week. Why did I keep going back? It was the only game in town. And, like my current-day gambling buddies, I needed the action.

Anyway, sports books and bookies are not going to curl up and close shop; they have BMWs to pay for. So while you cannot get down on Lakers-Jazz tonight – all of 2020 is gone, my friends – you can still make "futures" wagers, and even though I generally discourage sports betting, I am here to pick up our spirits and hand out a few smart, wet-your-whistle selections:

* 2021 NFL season. Take Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to make the playoffs. You can get 14-to-1 on that right now; it's a bargain.

* 2024 Summer Olympics. Japanese men's gymnast Takeru Kitazono is a marvel – a stone-cold immortal lock to take the gold in the parallel bars. In fact, he's such a gifted athlete, I'd bet on Kitazono on any event he enters in the 2026 Winter Olympics.

* 2028 NBA championship. The Philadelphia 76ers. Yes, the Philadelphia 76ers. They will ask you to Trust The Process ITAL again, END ITAL and this time The Process will work.

* 2032 presidential election. Donald Trump Jr. as the Republican nominee, at 12-1, is like FREE MONEY.

And, finally, let me leave you with a three-team teaser parlay:

I am betting there will be NO horse racing, NO cash transactions and NO Starbucks anywhere in America in 2050.

When I cash that ticket, I will drive my electric car to Sizzler!

Ask the Slouch

Q. With MLB on hiatus, Cincinnati Reds pitchers Trevor Bauer and David Carpenter are trying to organize a sandlot baseball game in Arizona. Doesn't this still go against the notion of proper social distancing? (John Hadler; Portland, Ore.)

A. Bases are 90 feet apart, no?

Q.If Iona is under quarantine for the coronavirus, how can Rick Pitino bring in escorts for his basketball recruits? (Mark Nelson; Vienna, Va.)

A. With all of intercollegiate athletics shut down, somehow it seems like the perfect time for Pitino to return to coaching.

Q.If Wrestlemania 36 is finally canceled, would that be the definition of "fake news"? (Alan Klein; Potomac, Md.)

A. I think the more polite term here is "scripted news."

Q.In a world that suddenly isn't funny, are you about to become king? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)

A. As a lifelong pauper, I'd be pleased enough to become prince.

Q.Is it true that Daniel Snyder and James Dolan are leading the U.S. government efforts to reduce large public gatherings at sports stadiums? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!

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THE PALLILOG

Here's how the Astros can reap the benefits from latest pitching shakeup

The Astros are utilizing a 6-man rotation. Composite Getty Image.

The Astros should schedule an Old-Timers Game, if not annually maybe every other year. Only the Yankees have regularly played Old Timers Games and it’s a highlight in the Bronx every season. The Astros have plenty enough history to welcome back an ample number of guys to make for a fabulous event. Maybe they could tie it into their now annual Hall of Fame Weekend. Anyway, don’t you feel that if Jose Altuve took part in an Old Timers Game in 2050 he’d bang out a couple of hits, and then if the Astros played him in the regular game he’d line one more hit somehow, at age 60?

After missing the first 43 games of the season while recovering from his broken thumb, Altuve went 0 for four in his first game back, but has since been generally fantastic with his OPS through nine games played at 1.013. It won’t stay that high, but Altuve is a direly needed upgrade to the Astros’ offense which has been utterly mediocre. Offense is the reason the Astros continue to look up at the Texas Rangers in the American League West. The Rangers’ offense has been fantastic, outscoring the Astros by a whopping 100 runs through the first third of the season.

As the regular season entered its middle third this week, the Astros are in the middle of playing a game in 17 consecutive days. It’s their longest stretch of the season without an off day. They are inserting Ronel Blanco as a sixth starting pitcher in the rotation for a couple of turns. The point of mixing in a sixth starter isn’t that the Astros are teeming with guys who belong in a big league rotation. The 29-year-old Blanco is not a notable prospect. This is about lightening the load a little on two guys: Cristian Javier and Hunter Brown.

In becoming a rotation mainstay last season, Javier blew past his previous biggest season workload by nearly 50 innings. He’s on pace to go another 25 innings beyond that this year without even accounting for the playoffs. Hunter Brown last year set his professional high with 130 innings pitched encompassing work with the Space Cowboys and Astros. Brown is on pace for about 170 innings this regular season. That’s a significant jump, and of course the Astros are hoping for another postseason of multiple rounds. Javier, Brown, and Framber Valdez are the three most critical pitchers on the staff, and the Astros hope they remain healthily so for several more years.

Lance McCullers’s latest recovery setback makes his plight increasingly sad. Well, except for him on payday. The odds now lopsidedly favor McCullers never again pitching a near fully healthy and effective season. His only one to date was 2021 (until he broke down in the playoffs), the year before his five year 85 million dollar contract kicked in. McCullers pulls down 17 mil this year (And again next year. And in 2025. And 2026), exactly two and a half times what Framber Valdez makes. I reckon Framber’s representation is aware of this, as it is of the five year 63 million dollar deal the Astros struck with Cristian Javier. Framber is more than three years older than Javier, but has been better, and can hit free agency after the 2025 season, the same time Javier could have gone to market.

Timing isn’t everything but it darn sure can matter. The Astros’ two best relief pitchers through May were Hector Neris and Phil Maton. Neris enters June with a 1.19 earned run average, Maton even better with a teeny-weeny 0.68 ERA. Maton has been especially amazing, given that last year while not pitching very well he posted his career best ERA at 3.84. His 2022 ended ignominiously when after giving up a hit to his brother Nick in the regular season finale, Phil took the ding-a-ling of the week award by breaking his pitching hand punching his locker, sidelining him for the postseason. The Hurt Locker won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 2010. Now Maton is up for Best Pitcher (per inning worked). Both Neris and Maton were James Click acquisitions. Both become free agents after this season.

Up next

Four games with the Angels at Minute Maid Park through the weekend mean the amazing Shohei Ohtani is in town. It’s “Sho-time” on the mound Friday night in a doozy of a pitching matchup with Framber, with Ohtani batting in at least three of the four games. In one player the Angels have a pitcher as good as Cristian Javier and a hitter better than Kyle Tucker. And the Angels will probably miss the playoffs again anyway. And then lose Ohtani in free agency. After the Angels series the Astros are on the road next week. They start with four games at Toronto against the Blue Jays’ very potent lineup, then it’s three at Cleveland vs. the Guardians whose offense has been pathetic so far this season.

Walk this way

Geek Astro factoid of the week: Jeremy Pena drew two walks in Tuesday’s win over the Twins. In his rookie season, Pena had only one two walk game, also in May, also against the Twins. Tuesday’s bases on balls finally got Pena into double digits for the season. He has just 11 walks drawn (largely explaining his weak .307 on-base percentage) vs. 50 strikeouts.

Catch our Astros podcast every Monday!

Stone Cold ‘Stros is the weekly Astro-centric podcast I am part of alongside Brandon Strange and Josh Jordan. On our regular schedule it goes up at 3PM Monday on the SportsMapHouston YouTube channel, is available there for playback at any point, and also becomes available in podcast form at outlets galore. Such as:

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