THE COUCH SLOUCH
Do you miss the sports world? Here are some futures wagers to keep you entertained
Mar 16, 2020, 6:55 am
THE COUCH SLOUCH
Bye bye all American sports/
Drove my Chevy to the ballgame but it was out of sorts/
And those 'First Take' boys were talking madness in March/
Singing no Duke-Kansas say it's a lie/
That'll be the day that sports die
-- Don McLean's "American Pie II"
What do we do now?
Sports fans have put all their eggs in one basket for so long, they've tossed out every other basket in the house. So now, many of them, in the face of a deadly worldwide covid-19 pandemic, can only think, "Why does it all feel so empty?"
There's nothing left. I pride myself on keeping sports in perspective, yet on many nights I mindlessly graze from ESPN to FS1 to NBA TV to ESPN2 to NBCSN to Fox Sports West.
But this week?
I just saw Joe Lunardi on an L.A. exit ramp with a sign, "Will Bracketology for Food."
NBA, gone. NHL, gone. MLB, gone. Final Four, gone.
The one time I was going to turn to Major League Soccer? MLS, gone.
I always complain that sports occupy too big a presence in our lives, that our values are skewed and our priorities fouled up with the overemphasis on athletic glory. Yet I understand it is a companion for many, a constant entertainment-and-distraction option. It is an emotional crutch for millions, often the only beacon of light on an otherwise dark horizon.
I kind of miss it, too.
I clicked on the TV the other night and all I saw was a "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives" marathon.
So I clicked off the TV, closed my eyes and saw my entire adult life flash before me – wasted hours, lost promise, salsa stains on the couch.
Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One (and Then Some), looked at me and said, "Let's talk."
Let's talk? What is she, nuts? We've only survived 12½ of years of marriage by not talking. Every time I open my mouth, it's an oral apocalypse; I haven't said the right thing since stammering out, "I do." The less I speak, the better – this is a family consensus.
In silence, I realized that all of Sports Nation is in dire straits.
I feel particularly bad for many wagering acquaintances – they wake up each day expecting to make a sports bet.
I once had the same affliction: Years ago, I played in a Washington, D.C., underground poker game in which a couple of players were cheating as partners, the dealer was in cahoots with another regular and I would lose virtually every week. Why did I keep going back? It was the only game in town. And, like my current-day gambling buddies, I needed the action.
Anyway, sports books and bookies are not going to curl up and close shop; they have BMWs to pay for. So while you cannot get down on Lakers-Jazz tonight – all of 2020 is gone, my friends – you can still make "futures" wagers, and even though I generally discourage sports betting, I am here to pick up our spirits and hand out a few smart, wet-your-whistle selections:
* 2021 NFL season. Take Tom Brady and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to make the playoffs. You can get 14-to-1 on that right now; it's a bargain.
* 2024 Summer Olympics. Japanese men's gymnast Takeru Kitazono is a marvel – a stone-cold immortal lock to take the gold in the parallel bars. In fact, he's such a gifted athlete, I'd bet on Kitazono on any event he enters in the 2026 Winter Olympics.
* 2028 NBA championship. The Philadelphia 76ers. Yes, the Philadelphia 76ers. They will ask you to Trust The Process ITAL again, END ITAL and this time The Process will work.
* 2032 presidential election. Donald Trump Jr. as the Republican nominee, at 12-1, is like FREE MONEY.
And, finally, let me leave you with a three-team teaser parlay:
I am betting there will be NO horse racing, NO cash transactions and NO Starbucks anywhere in America in 2050.
When I cash that ticket, I will drive my electric car to Sizzler!
Q. With MLB on hiatus, Cincinnati Reds pitchers Trevor Bauer and David Carpenter are trying to organize a sandlot baseball game in Arizona. Doesn't this still go against the notion of proper social distancing? (John Hadler; Portland, Ore.)
A. Bases are 90 feet apart, no?
Q.If Iona is under quarantine for the coronavirus, how can Rick Pitino bring in escorts for his basketball recruits? (Mark Nelson; Vienna, Va.)
A. With all of intercollegiate athletics shut down, somehow it seems like the perfect time for Pitino to return to coaching.
Q.If Wrestlemania 36 is finally canceled, would that be the definition of "fake news"? (Alan Klein; Potomac, Md.)
A. I think the more polite term here is "scripted news."
Q.In a world that suddenly isn't funny, are you about to become king? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. As a lifelong pauper, I'd be pleased enough to become prince.
Q.Is it true that Daniel Snyder and James Dolan are leading the U.S. government efforts to reduce large public gatherings at sports stadiums? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
Coming out of Tuesday's Texans press conference, it feels like we may have been left with more questions than answers.
Head coach DeMeco Ryans continued to downplay CJ Stroud's “soreness” that has kept him from throwing at OTAs.
I noted in my article on Tuesday, that it I found it interesting that Ryans dodged a question from ESPN's DJ Bien-Aime about Stroud's availability for next week's mandatory minicamp.
However, Mike Florio of NBC Sports' biggest takeaway from the press conference really raised some red flags. When Ryans was asked if Stroud had any work performed on him in the offseason, his body language shifted dramatically. He started aggressively adjusting the sleeves on his shirt and looking quite uncomfortable. Seth Payne shared some similar thoughts on his YouTube channel, too.
Texans HC DeMeco Ryans on CJ Stroud not throwing today:
“There are no concerns with CJ. Just general soreness. Taking extra precautions.”
DeMeco Ryans declines to answer if C.J. had any work on his shoulder in the offseason.
He reiterates CJ has “GENERAL SORENESS.” pic.twitter.com/9jy9iGlptv
— Will Kunkel (@WillKunkelFOX) June 3, 2025
Florio makes a point in the video below that coaches have to be careful with their movements during these press conferences when asked tough questions. Or people will start reading into body language and wonder why the coach is refusing to answer further questions on the subject.
Something DeMeco did Tuesday after the “work” question. Media members suddenly become professional poker players looking for any tell.
That's a “no” from me dawg
Florio's co-host Chris Simms on the other hand wasn't buying it. He believes if there was any kind of procedure in the offseason, somebody would have heard about it.
He chalks up Stroud's absence to something much more minor, like tendonitis in the shoulder or elbow. KPRC 2's Aaron Wilson is reporting that his sources are telling him Stroud is dealing with tightness in his shoulder muscle. So it could be something as simple as that.
It's shoulder muscle tightness that C.J. Stroud is dealing with, per league sources @KPRC2 https://t.co/2PWQJQ3qZR
— Aaron Wilson (@AaronWilson_NFL) June 3, 2025
At the end of the day, let's hope Simms and Wilson are correct, and this isn't something we should worry about with the season still several months away.
But it is worth mentioning, CJ is learning a new offense and working with many new receivers that are expected to make an impact this year (Jayden Higgins, Jaylin Noel). A lot could be achieved by throwing to his new weapons and gaining experience in an unfamiliar system.
Something has to be bothering him enough to miss these valuable reps.
Be sure to check out the video below for the full conversation and see where you come out on the debate.
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