(It's Hipster Power Rankings)

Gallant's "Do You Matter" NFL Rankings

Paul Gallant
Sep 9, 2019, 5:45 am

The phrase "Power Rankings" annoys me. "WOW". "PIZAZZ". "FIRE".

As such, I am giving my rip off of NFL Power Rankings the name: "Do You Matter?" Rankings. So much edgier. Can it sell T-shirts? Maybe.

Could Go Undefeated

1. New England Patriots (1-0)

Let's be honest. After their dismantling of the Steelers last Sunday, the Patriots looked unbeatable.

It's week 1, and every team has some sort thermal exhaust port just waiting for an X-Wing to blow it all up (Antonio Brown drama could very well be it). But I'm at a loss for what it is with New England. Their defense looks like it has the potential to be something that I haven't seen from them since the 2000s. They have TOO MANY weapons - (they even traded Demaryius Thomas to free up roster space) for Tom Brady. And an offensive line with questions certainly impressed against a pretty good Pittsburgh pass rush.

The only question you can attempt after a 33-3 blowout: were some strange looking Brady throws early a sign of rust? Or slippage?

The Cool Kids Table

2. Dallas Cowboys (1-0)

3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)

4. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)

5. Los Angeles Rams (1-0)

Dak Prescott had a strong finish to last season. But he played INCREDIBLY on Sunday, and more importantly, he did it in a game where Ezekiel Elliott struggled. Even if the Giants end up being pushovers this season, there are few teams that can handle the Cowboys' receiver trio of Amari Cooper, Randall Cobb, and Michael Gallup.

The other three teams look like they're wearing sweatpants. Kansas City will be without Tyreek Hill for a while, and saw Patrick Mahomes limping around at the end of Sunday's game with an ankle injury. The Eagles defense was smacked around by Case Keenum before Philly's offense showed up. And with the suspicion around Todd Gurley's knee, will Jared Goff continue to sporadically have shaky outings like his against Carolina?

Peed Themselves

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)

The Steelers flew under the radar this offseason after parting ways with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown. They might have a locker room in better spirits. But on Sunday, they looked less explosive on offense. Shouldn't that be expected after losing those two?

Blame a week of distractions after Antonio Brown signed with the Patriots. Blame the defensive coaching staff. Blame Tom Brady being older than Myles Davis yet STILL really good. But whatever you decide, Mike Tomlin consistently hasn't been able to beat New England when it matters. Is Pittsburgh O.K. settling with that? I wouldn't be.

Praying For A Cool Kid To Get Canceled

I may get all my knowledge of post-millennials from Thirteen Reasons Why. But kids too face the issue that everyone from politicians to actors to comedians face: getting canceled (like Marcus in season 2). So for these kids to yeet amongst the cööl, they'll need something like that to happen to the teams above to move up my relevance ratings.

7. New Orleans Saints (1-0)

I'm concerned about Drew Brees' ability to play at a high level for 16 games plus based off the end of last year.

8. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)

They always have talent. But they always feel likely to disappoint.

9. Baltimore Ravens (1-0)

Baltimore might have been the most impressive team in week 1. Lamar Jackson looked like a video game. And new additions Mark Ingram, Marquise Brown, and Earl Thomas ALL made contributions.

BUT, they played Miami.

10. Seattle Seahawks (1-0)

Seattle's pass rush - with Jadeveon Clowney BUT no Ziggy Ansah aboard - looked pretty good. But the offense looked very sluggish in a post Doug Baldwin world. And it's a strange sight to see the likes of Andy Dalton and John Ross - who were playing without injured teammates A.J. Green and Joe Mixon - dominate a secondary the way they did Seattle's.

11. Minnesota Vikings (1-0)

The Vikings didn't need a big day from Kirk Cousins to take down a middle of the road team. But they likely will to take down a real predator.

12. Green Bay Packers (1-0)

I'm not going to lie. I had the Packers FAR lower than this before week 1. I don't see Aaron Rodgers and Matt Lafleur being able to click. And no matter where this goes, they sure as hell didn't click week 1. If not for Green Bay's defensive performance, they'd be in the 20s.

There's just one thing...

13. Houston Texans (0-1)

14. Tennessee Titans (1-0)

15. Chicago Bears (0-1)

16. Buffalo Bills (1-0)

17. Indianapolis Colts (0-1)

All of these teams have something that I like...

  • The Texans have Deshaun Watson, who looked top 5 Monday
  • The Titans are consistently average to good across their entire roster
  • The Bears defense is absolutely terrifying
  • The Bills aren't far behind
  • A Colts are a well coached, complete team.
But they're in a rough spot with their current quarterback



  • Deshaun Watson looks he'll get crushed behind his line.
  • Marcus Mariota can't beat teams with his arm, or stay healthy
  • Mitchell Trubisky seems to be trying too hard to put the past behind him
  • Josh Allen struggles with accuracy
  • Jacoby Brissett is not Andrew Luck
Sadly, that ain't as easy as getting rid of pony tails and glasses.

Walk Of Shame

18. Cleveland Browns (0-1)

All that hype, and they were blown out at home by a team with Marcus Mariota under center.

There.

19. Carolina Panthers (0-2)

20. Washington Redskins (0-1)

21. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)

22. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)

23. Atlanta Falcons (0-1)

The only noteworthy thing concerning these teams? The Panthers are stuck in this group.

Florida Men

24. Oakland Raiders (1-0)

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)

I'm very much confused by all of these teams, as we all are by Florida men, thus the label.

Old Yeller


27. New York Giants (0-1)

28. Denver Broncos (1-0)

I don't want to watch Eli Manning or Joe Flacco anymore.

The Bye Weeks

29. New York Jets (0-1)

Sam Darnold having mono is sooo painfully Jets.

30. Detroit Lions (0-1)

30. Arizona Cardinals (0-1)

Ties are a bi-product of the NFL's bizarre 10 minute overtime rule, which totally disrupts the flow of the game.

32. Miami Dolphins (0-1)

The 2019 Miami team motto - "TNT" for "Takes No Talent" - is amusing.

Paul Gallant hosts the "Gallant Says" podcast (Tuesdays & Fridays), "Just Sayin'", Friday nights at 10:30 on Kube 57, and contributes to SB Nation Radio. Have any questions? Get after him on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook.

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EVERY-THING SPORTS

All the reasons Houston Astros are poised for another World Series run

The Houston Astros are on a roll. Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images.

There are certain events in one's life in which you'll remember where you were and what you were doing when they happened. Whether good or bad, those memories are etched in your brain. Finding out you're going to be a parent for the first time, your first kiss, getting that new car, and when the Astros won the 2017 World Series. That euphoric feeling of watching the team you've rooted for finally win the ultimate prize was everything, especially coming off years of losing 90-100 games or so every year. It was really late and the whole house was sleep. I had to contain my excitement and celebrate as quietly as possible.

Fast-forward five years, and we could experience that euphoria all over again. As of this writing, they are 13.5 games up in the AL West and only 4.5 games behind their sons (aka the Yankees) for best record in the AL and MLB overall. They own the third best run differential in MLB, have an AL MVP candidate in Yordan Alvarez, an AL Cy Young candidate in Justin Verlander, and they may sure up some deficiencies by the trade deadline. Even if they don't make another move, this team can compete with anyone.

Go back a few months and see how many people truly thought this was possible. I myself thought they'd compete, make the playoffs, but sputter out. I wasn't confident in the pitching staff being what it is and wasn't sure the lineup would round into shape. Add that with the fact that they lost one of the guys who was a leader in the clubhouse (and one of their best players in Carlos Correa) and replaced him with a rookie, you wouldn't have been wrong to think they may even miss the playoffs or barely make the wildcard game.

Good thing is this team is resilient. Alex Bregman and Yuli Gurriel were struggling to start this season and are rounding into shape. Jeremy Peña, Correa's replacement, has been a revelation. There isn't much difference in their offensive numbers. In fact, there are several categories Peña is actually better at than Correa. His defense isn't that far off from Correa's either. People can say what they want about Machete, but that's OUR catcher and I love him! He can hit below the Mendoza Line all he wants when he plays that kind of defense and handles the staff the way he does. Centerfield is another area some think needs improvement. I think they're fine. Could the CF's hit and field better? Yes, but that could go for a number of guys. It isn't as weak of a spot as we think.

This team continues to show why they're a modern-day dynasty. Five straight ALCS appearances, three World Series appearances, and one title over the last five years is pretty damn good. Factor in all the free agent losses, sign stealing scandal, Covid, and everything else they've dealt with and overcome, I'll die on that hill of calling them a modern-day dynasty. A World Series win with this group would solidify that claim, as well as prove the haters wrong. Poetic justice in my eyes looks like this: beating the Yankees in the ALCS, then beating the Dodgers in the World Series just like they did in 2017. Then we can hit them with this gem.

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