(It's Hipster Power Rankings)

Gallant's "Do You Matter" NFL Rankings

Paul Gallant
Sep 9, 2019, 5:45 am

The phrase "Power Rankings" annoys me. "WOW". "PIZAZZ". "FIRE".

As such, I am giving my rip off of NFL Power Rankings the name: "Do You Matter?" Rankings. So much edgier. Can it sell T-shirts? Maybe.

Could Go Undefeated

1. New England Patriots (1-0)

Let's be honest. After their dismantling of the Steelers last Sunday, the Patriots looked unbeatable.

It's week 1, and every team has some sort thermal exhaust port just waiting for an X-Wing to blow it all up (Antonio Brown drama could very well be it). But I'm at a loss for what it is with New England. Their defense looks like it has the potential to be something that I haven't seen from them since the 2000s. They have TOO MANY weapons - (they even traded Demaryius Thomas to free up roster space) for Tom Brady. And an offensive line with questions certainly impressed against a pretty good Pittsburgh pass rush.

The only question you can attempt after a 33-3 blowout: were some strange looking Brady throws early a sign of rust? Or slippage?

The Cool Kids Table

2. Dallas Cowboys (1-0)

3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)

4. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)

5. Los Angeles Rams (1-0)

Dak Prescott had a strong finish to last season. But he played INCREDIBLY on Sunday, and more importantly, he did it in a game where Ezekiel Elliott struggled. Even if the Giants end up being pushovers this season, there are few teams that can handle the Cowboys' receiver trio of Amari Cooper, Randall Cobb, and Michael Gallup.

The other three teams look like they're wearing sweatpants. Kansas City will be without Tyreek Hill for a while, and saw Patrick Mahomes limping around at the end of Sunday's game with an ankle injury. The Eagles defense was smacked around by Case Keenum before Philly's offense showed up. And with the suspicion around Todd Gurley's knee, will Jared Goff continue to sporadically have shaky outings like his against Carolina?

Peed Themselves

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)

The Steelers flew under the radar this offseason after parting ways with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown. They might have a locker room in better spirits. But on Sunday, they looked less explosive on offense. Shouldn't that be expected after losing those two?

Blame a week of distractions after Antonio Brown signed with the Patriots. Blame the defensive coaching staff. Blame Tom Brady being older than Myles Davis yet STILL really good. But whatever you decide, Mike Tomlin consistently hasn't been able to beat New England when it matters. Is Pittsburgh O.K. settling with that? I wouldn't be.

Praying For A Cool Kid To Get Canceled

I may get all my knowledge of post-millennials from Thirteen Reasons Why. But kids too face the issue that everyone from politicians to actors to comedians face: getting canceled (like Marcus in season 2). So for these kids to yeet amongst the cööl, they'll need something like that to happen to the teams above to move up my relevance ratings.

7. New Orleans Saints (1-0)

I'm concerned about Drew Brees' ability to play at a high level for 16 games plus based off the end of last year.

8. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)

They always have talent. But they always feel likely to disappoint.

9. Baltimore Ravens (1-0)

Baltimore might have been the most impressive team in week 1. Lamar Jackson looked like a video game. And new additions Mark Ingram, Marquise Brown, and Earl Thomas ALL made contributions.

BUT, they played Miami.

10. Seattle Seahawks (1-0)

Seattle's pass rush - with Jadeveon Clowney BUT no Ziggy Ansah aboard - looked pretty good. But the offense looked very sluggish in a post Doug Baldwin world. And it's a strange sight to see the likes of Andy Dalton and John Ross - who were playing without injured teammates A.J. Green and Joe Mixon - dominate a secondary the way they did Seattle's.

11. Minnesota Vikings (1-0)

The Vikings didn't need a big day from Kirk Cousins to take down a middle of the road team. But they likely will to take down a real predator.

12. Green Bay Packers (1-0)

I'm not going to lie. I had the Packers FAR lower than this before week 1. I don't see Aaron Rodgers and Matt Lafleur being able to click. And no matter where this goes, they sure as hell didn't click week 1. If not for Green Bay's defensive performance, they'd be in the 20s.

There's just one thing...

13. Houston Texans (0-1)

14. Tennessee Titans (1-0)

15. Chicago Bears (0-1)

16. Buffalo Bills (1-0)

17. Indianapolis Colts (0-1)

All of these teams have something that I like...

  • The Texans have Deshaun Watson, who looked top 5 Monday
  • The Titans are consistently average to good across their entire roster
  • The Bears defense is absolutely terrifying
  • The Bills aren't far behind
  • A Colts are a well coached, complete team.
But they're in a rough spot with their current quarterback



  • Deshaun Watson looks he'll get crushed behind his line.
  • Marcus Mariota can't beat teams with his arm, or stay healthy
  • Mitchell Trubisky seems to be trying too hard to put the past behind him
  • Josh Allen struggles with accuracy
  • Jacoby Brissett is not Andrew Luck
Sadly, that ain't as easy as getting rid of pony tails and glasses.

Walk Of Shame

18. Cleveland Browns (0-1)

All that hype, and they were blown out at home by a team with Marcus Mariota under center.

There.

19. Carolina Panthers (0-2)

20. Washington Redskins (0-1)

21. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)

22. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)

23. Atlanta Falcons (0-1)

The only noteworthy thing concerning these teams? The Panthers are stuck in this group.

Florida Men

24. Oakland Raiders (1-0)

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)

I'm very much confused by all of these teams, as we all are by Florida men, thus the label.

Old Yeller


27. New York Giants (0-1)

28. Denver Broncos (1-0)

I don't want to watch Eli Manning or Joe Flacco anymore.

The Bye Weeks

29. New York Jets (0-1)

Sam Darnold having mono is sooo painfully Jets.

30. Detroit Lions (0-1)

30. Arizona Cardinals (0-1)

Ties are a bi-product of the NFL's bizarre 10 minute overtime rule, which totally disrupts the flow of the game.

32. Miami Dolphins (0-1)

The 2019 Miami team motto - "TNT" for "Takes No Talent" - is amusing.

Paul Gallant hosts the "Gallant Says" podcast (Tuesdays & Fridays), "Just Sayin'", Friday nights at 10:30 on Kube 57, and contributes to SB Nation Radio. Have any questions? Get after him on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook.

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Houston is now 5-4 on the year

Astros pull out an extra-inning win to grab series victory against Angels

Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

After splitting the first two games of the series, including the extra-inning affair on Saturday, the Astros looked to defeat the Angels on Saturday to secure the series win and leave Los Angeles with a winning record. On the mound were two pitchers looking to shrug off bad debuts to the season. Here is how the game went on Sunday afternoon:

Final Score (11 innings): Astros 6, Angels 5.

Record: 5-4, first in the AL West.

Winning pitcher: Blake Taylor (1-0, 0.00 ERA).

Losing pitcher: Jacob Barnes (0-2, 3.86 ERA).

James walks his way into trouble

After a disastrous start to his pitching season where he was unable to record an out, Shohei Ohtani was able to sit down the Astros 1-2-3 on just eight pitches in the top of the first. However, Houston would take advantage of his struggling command in the top of the second, working three straight walks to load the bases with no outs. They then would get two more walks with two outs to grab an early 2-0 lead and end Ohtani's day early yet again.

Meanwhile, on the mound for Houston was Josh James. He, too, allowed some walks but was able to work around them in the first two innings, erasing two in the bottom of the first and one in the second for two scoreless innings.

That changed in the third when he would walk the bases loaded with two outs before Albert Pujols continued his nearly twenty-year reign of being a thorn in Houston's side, hitting a grand slam, Los Angeles' first hit of the day, to put the Angels up 4-2. James would get the final out of the third, but that would conclude his day, making it two straight starts he would be unable to reach the fourth inning. His final line: 3.0 IP, 1 H, 4 R, 4 ER, 6 BB, 4K, 1 HR.

Valdez impresses as Bregman makes it a one-run game in the seventh

Framber Valdez was first out of Houston' bullpen, likely to try and eat up several innings. He would accomplish that mission, getting through the next three innings scoreless, holding the 4-2 score. It remained locked on that score despite Houston getting runners on base in each of those innings, as they would struggle to turn players on base into runs yet again in this series.

Alex Bregman gave the Astros a spark in the top of the seventh, leading off the inning with a solo home run to straightaway center to make it a one-run game. Valdez returned for yet another inning, another scoreless frame to keep it 4-3 going to the eighth.

Reddick ties it in the ninth, Astros win in extras

Houston would threaten to tie in the top of the eighth, getting a pinch-hitting Carlos Correa to third base after a single to leadoff the inning, but would be unable to score him, leaving it at 4-3. Valdez would record another scoreless inning in the bottom of the eighth, giving the Astros one more chance to tie or go ahead in the top of the ninth.

Michael Brantley led off the inning with a double and was pinch-run by Myles Straw, who would score the tying run on an RBI-single by Josh Reddick, but the Angels would hold the Astros there. Valdez remained in the game trying to push extra innings and would do so, erasing a leadoff walk.

Kyle Tucker started the top of the tenth on second base and moved to third on a sac fly by Carlos Correa to start the inning before scoring on another sac fly, this time from pinch-hitting Garrett Stubbs to give Houston a 5-4 lead. Valdez, well above his comfortable pitch count, was still on the mound in the bottom of the tenth, and allowed his first run, though unearned, on a leadoff RBI-single to tie the game again at 5-5. He would get one more out before Houston moved to another reliever, bringing in Andre Scrubb.

After an intentional walk to Albert Pujols, Scrubb would walk the bases loaded before getting a popout, then Houston would turn to Blake Taylor. Taylor would come through, getting a big strikeout to send the game to the eleventh. Springer started on second in the top of the inning and would score and put the Astros back in front on a one-out RBI-single by Alex Bregman. In the bottom half, Taylor would get through the inning, giving Houston the win and series victory.

Up Next: The Astros will have a day off tomorrow before picking up a three-game set with the Diamondbacks in Arizona on Tuesday. The opening game of that series will be at 8:10 PM Central. While Arizona is expected to start Madison Bumgarner, the Astros will have to pivot as they had Framber Valdez slated for that start, who made a lengthy appearance out of the bullpen on Sunday.

astros recap mlb astros vs angels shohei ohtani josh james albert pujols astros

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