The phrase "Power Rankings" annoys me. "WOW". "PIZAZZ". "FIRE".
As such, I am giving my rip off of NFL Power Rankings the name: "Do You Matter?" Rankings. So much edgier. Can it sell T-shirts? Maybe.
Could Go Undefeated
1. New England Patriots (1-0)
Let's be honest. After their dismantling of the Steelers last Sunday, the Patriots looked unbeatable.
It's week 1, and every team has some sort thermal exhaust port just waiting for an X-Wing to blow it all up (Antonio Brown drama could very well be it). But I'm at a loss for what it is with New England. Their defense looks like it has the potential to be something that I haven't seen from them since the 2000s. They have TOO MANY weapons - (they even traded Demaryius Thomas to free up roster space) for Tom Brady. And an offensive line with questions certainly impressed against a pretty good Pittsburgh pass rush.
The only question you can attempt after a 33-3 blowout: were some strange looking Brady throws early a sign of rust? Or slippage?
The Cool Kids Table
2. Dallas Cowboys (1-0)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)
5. Los Angeles Rams (1-0)
Dak Prescott had a strong finish to last season. But he played INCREDIBLY on Sunday, and more importantly, he did it in a game where Ezekiel Elliott struggled. Even if the Giants end up being pushovers this season, there are few teams that can handle the Cowboys' receiver trio of Amari Cooper, Randall Cobb, and Michael Gallup.
The other three teams look like they're wearing sweatpants. Kansas City will be without Tyreek Hill for a while, and saw Patrick Mahomes limping around at the end of Sunday's game with an ankle injury. The Eagles defense was smacked around by Case Keenum before Philly's offense showed up. And with the suspicion around Todd Gurley's knee, will Jared Goff continue to sporadically have shaky outings like his against Carolina?
Peed Themselves
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)
The Steelers flew under the radar this offseason after parting ways with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown. They might have a locker room in better spirits. But on Sunday, they looked less explosive on offense. Shouldn't that be expected after losing those two?
Blame a week of distractions after Antonio Brown signed with the Patriots. Blame the defensive coaching staff. Blame Tom Brady being older than Myles Davis yet STILL really good. But whatever you decide, Mike Tomlin consistently hasn't been able to beat New England when it matters. Is Pittsburgh O.K. settling with that? I wouldn't be.
Praying For A Cool Kid To Get Canceled
I may get all my knowledge of post-millennials from Thirteen Reasons Why. But kids too face the issue that everyone from politicians to actors to comedians face: getting canceled (like Marcus in season 2). So for these kids to yeet amongst the cööl, they'll need something like that to happen to the teams above to move up my relevance ratings.
7. New Orleans Saints (1-0)
I'm concerned about Drew Brees' ability to play at a high level for 16 games plus based off the end of last year.
8. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)
They always have talent. But they always feel likely to disappoint.
9. Baltimore Ravens (1-0)
Baltimore might have been the most impressive team in week 1. Lamar Jackson looked like a video game. And new additions Mark Ingram, Marquise Brown, and Earl Thomas ALL made contributions.
BUT, they played Miami.
10. Seattle Seahawks (1-0)
Seattle's pass rush - with Jadeveon Clowney BUT no Ziggy Ansah aboard - looked pretty good. But the offense looked very sluggish in a post Doug Baldwin world. And it's a strange sight to see the likes of Andy Dalton and John Ross - who were playing without injured teammates A.J. Green and Joe Mixon - dominate a secondary the way they did Seattle's.
11. Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
The Vikings didn't need a big day from Kirk Cousins to take down a middle of the road team. But they likely will to take down a real predator.
12. Green Bay Packers (1-0)
I'm not going to lie. I had the Packers FAR lower than this before week 1. I don't see Aaron Rodgers and Matt Lafleur being able to click. And no matter where this goes, they sure as hell didn't click week 1. If not for Green Bay's defensive performance, they'd be in the 20s.
There's just one thing...
13. Houston Texans (0-1)
14. Tennessee Titans (1-0)
15. Chicago Bears (0-1)
16. Buffalo Bills (1-0)
17. Indianapolis Colts (0-1)
All of these teams have something that I like...
The Texans have Deshaun Watson, who looked top 5 Monday
The Titans are consistently average to good across their entire roster
The Bears defense is absolutely terrifying
The Bills aren't far behind
A Colts are a well coached, complete team.
But they're in a rough spot with their current quarterback
Deshaun Watson looks he'll get crushed behind his line.
Marcus Mariota can't beat teams with his arm, or stay healthy
Mitchell Trubisky seems to be trying too hard to put the past behind him
Josh Allen struggles with accuracy
Jacoby Brissett is not Andrew Luck
Sadly, that ain't as easy as getting rid of pony tails and glasses.
Walk Of Shame
18. Cleveland Browns (0-1)
All that hype, and they were blown out at home by a team with Marcus Mariota under center.
There.
19. Carolina Panthers (0-2)
20. Washington Redskins (0-1)
21. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)
22. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)
23. Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
The only noteworthy thing concerning these teams? The Panthers are stuck in this group.
Florida Men
24. Oakland Raiders (1-0)
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)
I'm very much confused by all of these teams, as we all are by Florida men, thus the label.
Old Yeller
27. New York Giants (0-1)
28. Denver Broncos (1-0)
I don't want to watch Eli Manning or Joe Flacco anymore.
The Bye Weeks
29. New York Jets (0-1)
Sam Darnold having mono is sooo painfully Jets.
30. Detroit Lions (0-1)
30. Arizona Cardinals (0-1)
Ties are a bi-product of the NFL's bizarre 10 minute overtime rule, which totally disrupts the flow of the game.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-1)
The 2019 Miami team motto - "TNT" for "Takes No Talent" - is amusing.
The Astros are looking to avoid being swept at home. Composite Getty Image.
The Houston Astros are looking to avoid an unexpected sweep Wednesday night as they wrap up their three-game set against the Cleveland Guardians at Daikin Park.
Winners of six of their last ten despite back-to-back losses, the Astros (55-37) turn to left-hander Brandon Walter (1-1, 4.15 ERA) to steady the ship and salvage the finale. Walter has been reliable in his recent outings, and he’ll face a Guardians lineup that has struggled to string together hits, batting just .204 over their last 10 games.
Cleveland (42-48) entered the series on a 10-game losing streak, but now has a chance to sweep the AL West leaders and take the season series. Slade Cecconi (3-4, 3.56 ERA) gets the start for the Guardians. The 26-year-old righty has kept his ERA under 4.00 this year and will look to neutralize a Houston offense that leads the American League in batting average at .260 and is hitting .295 over the last 10 games.
All eyes remain on Jose Altuve, who has driven in 16 runs and slugged four homers over his last 10 games. He’s been the heartbeat of the Houston offense, while Isaac Paredes continues to deliver steady power at the top of the lineup. The Astros have scored five or more runs in eight of their last ten games, but the bullpen faltered late in both of the first two games of this series.
Cleveland counters with the steady presence of Carlos Santana and the always-dangerous Jose Ramirez. Though Ramirez is just 6-for-38 in his last 10 games, he’s delivered key home runs in the series and remains the Guardians’ biggest threat.
With the season series now 3-2 in favor of Cleveland, Wednesday’s matchup carries added weight for the Astros as they look to regroup and avoid letting momentum slip further. First pitch is set for 8:10 p.m. ET.
What stands out? First off, Jake Meyers returns to the lineup after missing a couple of games with a calf issue. With Meyers back in the two-spot, Cam Smith returns to hitting cleanup. Caratini is playing first base again and hitting fifth, followed by Yainer Diaz (C), Cooper Hummel (DH), Taylor Trammell (LF), and Mauricio Dubon (SS).
Image via: MLB.com/Screenshot.
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Image via: MLB.com/Screenshot.