(It's Hipster Power Rankings)
Gallant's "Do You Matter" NFL Rankings
Sep 9, 2019, 5:45 am
The phrase "Power Rankings" annoys me. "WOW". "PIZAZZ". "FIRE".
As such, I am giving my rip off of NFL Power Rankings the name: "Do You Matter?" Rankings. So much edgier. Can it sell T-shirts? Maybe.
Could Go Undefeated
1. New England Patriots (1-0)
Let's be honest. After their dismantling of the Steelers last Sunday, the Patriots looked unbeatable.
It's week 1, and every team has some sort thermal exhaust port just waiting for an X-Wing to blow it all up (Antonio Brown drama could very well be it). But I'm at a loss for what it is with New England. Their defense looks like it has the potential to be something that I haven't seen from them since the 2000s. They have TOO MANY weapons - (they even traded Demaryius Thomas to free up roster space) for Tom Brady. And an offensive line with questions certainly impressed against a pretty good Pittsburgh pass rush.
The only question you can attempt after a 33-3 blowout: were some strange looking Brady throws early a sign of rust? Or slippage?
The Cool Kids Table
2. Dallas Cowboys (1-0)
3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)
4. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)
5. Los Angeles Rams (1-0)
Dak Prescott had a strong finish to last season. But he played INCREDIBLY on Sunday, and more importantly, he did it in a game where Ezekiel Elliott struggled. Even if the Giants end up being pushovers this season, there are few teams that can handle the Cowboys' receiver trio of Amari Cooper, Randall Cobb, and Michael Gallup.
The other three teams look like they're wearing sweatpants. Kansas City will be without Tyreek Hill for a while, and saw Patrick Mahomes limping around at the end of Sunday's game with an ankle injury. The Eagles defense was smacked around by Case Keenum before Philly's offense showed up. And with the suspicion around Todd Gurley's knee, will Jared Goff continue to sporadically have shaky outings like his against Carolina?
Peed Themselves
6. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)
The Steelers flew under the radar this offseason after parting ways with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown. They might have a locker room in better spirits. But on Sunday, they looked less explosive on offense. Shouldn't that be expected after losing those two?
Blame a week of distractions after Antonio Brown signed with the Patriots. Blame the defensive coaching staff. Blame Tom Brady being older than Myles Davis yet STILL really good. But whatever you decide, Mike Tomlin consistently hasn't been able to beat New England when it matters. Is Pittsburgh O.K. settling with that? I wouldn't be.
Praying For A Cool Kid To Get Canceled
I may get all my knowledge of post-millennials from Thirteen Reasons Why. But kids too face the issue that everyone from politicians to actors to comedians face: getting canceled (like Marcus in season 2). So for these kids to yeet amongst the cööl, they'll need something like that to happen to the teams above to move up my relevance ratings.
7. New Orleans Saints (1-0)
I'm concerned about Drew Brees' ability to play at a high level for 16 games plus based off the end of last year.
8. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)
They always have talent. But they always feel likely to disappoint.
9. Baltimore Ravens (1-0)
Baltimore might have been the most impressive team in week 1. Lamar Jackson looked like a video game. And new additions Mark Ingram, Marquise Brown, and Earl Thomas ALL made contributions.
BUT, they played Miami.
10. Seattle Seahawks (1-0)
Seattle's pass rush - with Jadeveon Clowney BUT no Ziggy Ansah aboard - looked pretty good. But the offense looked very sluggish in a post Doug Baldwin world. And it's a strange sight to see the likes of Andy Dalton and John Ross - who were playing without injured teammates A.J. Green and Joe Mixon - dominate a secondary the way they did Seattle's.
11. Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
The Vikings didn't need a big day from Kirk Cousins to take down a middle of the road team. But they likely will to take down a real predator.
12. Green Bay Packers (1-0)
I'm not going to lie. I had the Packers FAR lower than this before week 1. I don't see Aaron Rodgers and Matt Lafleur being able to click. And no matter where this goes, they sure as hell didn't click week 1. If not for Green Bay's defensive performance, they'd be in the 20s.
There's just one thing...
13. Houston Texans (0-1)
14. Tennessee Titans (1-0)
15. Chicago Bears (0-1)
16. Buffalo Bills (1-0)
17. Indianapolis Colts (0-1)
All of these teams have something that I like...
- The Texans have Deshaun Watson, who looked top 5 Monday
- The Titans are consistently average to good across their entire roster
- The Bears defense is absolutely terrifying
- The Bills aren't far behind
- A Colts are a well coached, complete team.
- Deshaun Watson looks he'll get crushed behind his line.
- Marcus Mariota can't beat teams with his arm, or stay healthy
- Mitchell Trubisky seems to be trying too hard to put the past behind him
- Josh Allen struggles with accuracy
- Jacoby Brissett is not Andrew Luck
Walk Of Shame
18. Cleveland Browns (0-1)
All that hype, and they were blown out at home by a team with Marcus Mariota under center.
There.
19. Carolina Panthers (0-2)
20. Washington Redskins (0-1)
21. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)
22. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)
23. Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
The only noteworthy thing concerning these teams? The Panthers are stuck in this group.
Florida Men
24. Oakland Raiders (1-0)
25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)
I'm very much confused by all of these teams, as we all are by Florida men, thus the label.
Old Yeller
27. New York Giants (0-1)
28. Denver Broncos (1-0)
I don't want to watch Eli Manning or Joe Flacco anymore.
The Bye Weeks
29. New York Jets (0-1)
Sam Darnold having mono is sooo painfully Jets.
30. Detroit Lions (0-1)
30. Arizona Cardinals (0-1)
Ties are a bi-product of the NFL's bizarre 10 minute overtime rule, which totally disrupts the flow of the game.
32. Miami Dolphins (0-1)
The 2019 Miami team motto - "TNT" for "Takes No Talent" - is amusing.
Paul Gallant hosts the "Gallant Says" podcast (Tuesdays & Fridays), "Just Sayin'", Friday nights at 10:30 on Kube 57, and contributes to SB Nation Radio. Have any questions? Get after him on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook.
Most Popular
SportsMap Emails
Are Awesome
Listen Live
A month into the 2025 season, the Houston Astros have emerged as one of MLB’s most confounding teams. Their offense ranks near the bottom of nearly every key category, yet they remain competitive thanks to a pitching staff that has quietly become one of the most formidable in baseball.
Despite winning back-to-back games just once this season, Houston’s pitching has kept them afloat. The Astros boast a top-10 team ERA, rank seventh in WHIP, and sit top-eight in opponent batting average—a testament to both their rotation depth and bullpen resilience. It’s a group that has consistently given them a chance to win, even when the bats have failed to show up.
Josh Hader has been the bullpen anchor. After a rocky 2024 campaign, the closer has reinvented himself, leaning more heavily on his slider and becoming less predictable. The result has been electric: a veteran who’s adapting and thriving under pressure.
Reinforcements are also on the horizon. Kaleb Ort and Forrest Whitley are expected to bolster a bullpen that’s been great but occasionally spotty—Taylor Scott’s 5.63 ERA stands out as a weak link. Lance McCullers Jr. missed his last rehab outing due to illness but is expected back soon, possibly pairing with Ryan Gusto in a piggyback setup that could stretch games and preserve bullpen arms.
And the timing couldn’t be better, because the Astros' offense remains stuck in neutral. With an offense ranked 26th in OPS, 27th in slugging, dead last in doubles, and just 24th in runs scored, it's clear the Astros have a major issue producing consistent offense. For all their talent, they are a minus-two in run differential and have looked out of sync at the plate.
One bright spot has been rookie Cam Smith. The right fielder has displayed remarkable poise, plate discipline, and a polished approach rarely seen in rookies. It’s fair to ask why Smith, with only five Double-A games under his belt before this season, is showing more patience than veterans like Jose Altuve. Altuve, among others, has been chasing too many pitches outside the zone and hardly walking—a troubling trend across the lineup.
Before the season began, the Astros made it a point to improve their pitch selection and plate discipline. So far, that stated goal hasn’t materialized. Many of the players who are showing solid discipline—like Isaac Paredes or Christian Walker—were already doing that on other teams before joining Houston. It raises the question: are the Astros’ hitting coaches being held accountable?
The offensive woes are hard to ignore. Catcher Yainer Diaz currently owns the second-worst OPS in baseball, while Walker ranks 15th from the bottom. Even a star like Yordan Alvarez has yet to find his groove. The hope is that Diaz and Walker will follow Alvarez's lead and trend upward with time.
With so many offensive questions and few clear answers, a trade for a left-handed bat—whether in the outfield or second base—would be ideal. But with the front office laser-focused on staying below the tax threshold, don’t count on it.
For now, Houston's path forward depends on whether the bats can catch up to the arms. Until they do, the Astros will remain a team that looks good on paper but still can’t string wins together in reality.
We have so much more to get to. Don't miss the video below as we examine the topics above and much, much more!
The MLB season is finally upon us! Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and Charlie Pallilo for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday!
*ChatGPT assisted.
___________________________
Looking to get the word out about your business, products, or services? Consider advertising on SportsMap! It's a great way to get in front of Houston sports fans. Click the link below for more information!