(It's Hipster Power Rankings)

Gallant's "Do You Matter" NFL Rankings

The phrase "Power Rankings" annoys me. "WOW". "PIZAZZ". "FIRE".

As such, I am giving my rip off of NFL Power Rankings the name: "Do You Matter?" Rankings. So much edgier. Can it sell T-shirts? Maybe.

Could Go Undefeated

1. New England Patriots (1-0)

Let's be honest. After their dismantling of the Steelers last Sunday, the Patriots looked unbeatable.

It's week 1, and every team has some sort thermal exhaust port just waiting for an X-Wing to blow it all up (Antonio Brown drama could very well be it). But I'm at a loss for what it is with New England. Their defense looks like it has the potential to be something that I haven't seen from them since the 2000s. They have TOO MANY weapons - (they even traded Demaryius Thomas to free up roster space) for Tom Brady. And an offensive line with questions certainly impressed against a pretty good Pittsburgh pass rush.

The only question you can attempt after a 33-3 blowout: were some strange looking Brady throws early a sign of rust? Or slippage?

The Cool Kids Table

2. Dallas Cowboys (1-0)

3. Kansas City Chiefs (1-0)

4. Philadelphia Eagles (1-0)

5. Los Angeles Rams (1-0)

Dak Prescott had a strong finish to last season. But he played INCREDIBLY on Sunday, and more importantly, he did it in a game where Ezekiel Elliott struggled. Even if the Giants end up being pushovers this season, there are few teams that can handle the Cowboys' receiver trio of Amari Cooper, Randall Cobb, and Michael Gallup.

The other three teams look like they're wearing sweatpants. Kansas City will be without Tyreek Hill for a while, and saw Patrick Mahomes limping around at the end of Sunday's game with an ankle injury. The Eagles defense was smacked around by Case Keenum before Philly's offense showed up. And with the suspicion around Todd Gurley's knee, will Jared Goff continue to sporadically have shaky outings like his against Carolina?

Peed Themselves

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-1)

The Steelers flew under the radar this offseason after parting ways with Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown. They might have a locker room in better spirits. But on Sunday, they looked less explosive on offense. Shouldn't that be expected after losing those two?

Blame a week of distractions after Antonio Brown signed with the Patriots. Blame the defensive coaching staff. Blame Tom Brady being older than Myles Davis yet STILL really good. But whatever you decide, Mike Tomlin consistently hasn't been able to beat New England when it matters. Is Pittsburgh O.K. settling with that? I wouldn't be.

Praying For A Cool Kid To Get Canceled

I may get all my knowledge of post-millennials from Thirteen Reasons Why. But kids too face the issue that everyone from politicians to actors to comedians face: getting canceled (like Marcus in season 2). So for these kids to yeet amongst the cööl, they'll need something like that to happen to the teams above to move up my relevance ratings.

7. New Orleans Saints (1-0)

I'm concerned about Drew Brees' ability to play at a high level for 16 games plus based off the end of last year.

8. Los Angeles Chargers (1-0)

They always have talent. But they always feel likely to disappoint.

9. Baltimore Ravens (1-0)

Baltimore might have been the most impressive team in week 1. Lamar Jackson looked like a video game. And new additions Mark Ingram, Marquise Brown, and Earl Thomas ALL made contributions.

BUT, they played Miami.

10. Seattle Seahawks (1-0)

Seattle's pass rush - with Jadeveon Clowney BUT no Ziggy Ansah aboard - looked pretty good. But the offense looked very sluggish in a post Doug Baldwin world. And it's a strange sight to see the likes of Andy Dalton and John Ross - who were playing without injured teammates A.J. Green and Joe Mixon - dominate a secondary the way they did Seattle's.

11. Minnesota Vikings (1-0)

The Vikings didn't need a big day from Kirk Cousins to take down a middle of the road team. But they likely will to take down a real predator.

12. Green Bay Packers (1-0)

I'm not going to lie. I had the Packers FAR lower than this before week 1. I don't see Aaron Rodgers and Matt Lafleur being able to click. And no matter where this goes, they sure as hell didn't click week 1. If not for Green Bay's defensive performance, they'd be in the 20s.

There's just one thing...

13. Houston Texans (0-1)

14. Tennessee Titans (1-0)

15. Chicago Bears (0-1)

16. Buffalo Bills (1-0)

17. Indianapolis Colts (0-1)

All of these teams have something that I like...

  • The Texans have Deshaun Watson, who looked top 5 Monday
  • The Titans are consistently average to good across their entire roster
  • The Bears defense is absolutely terrifying
  • The Bills aren't far behind
  • A Colts are a well coached, complete team.
But they're in a rough spot with their current quarterback



  • Deshaun Watson looks he'll get crushed behind his line.
  • Marcus Mariota can't beat teams with his arm, or stay healthy
  • Mitchell Trubisky seems to be trying too hard to put the past behind him
  • Josh Allen struggles with accuracy
  • Jacoby Brissett is not Andrew Luck
Sadly, that ain't as easy as getting rid of pony tails and glasses.

Walk Of Shame

18. Cleveland Browns (0-1)

All that hype, and they were blown out at home by a team with Marcus Mariota under center.

There.

19. Carolina Panthers (0-2)

20. Washington Redskins (0-1)

21. Cincinnati Bengals (0-1)

22. San Francisco 49ers (1-0)

23. Atlanta Falcons (0-1)

The only noteworthy thing concerning these teams? The Panthers are stuck in this group.

Florida Men

24. Oakland Raiders (1-0)

25. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)

26. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)

I'm very much confused by all of these teams, as we all are by Florida men, thus the label.

Old Yeller


27. New York Giants (0-1)

28. Denver Broncos (1-0)

I don't want to watch Eli Manning or Joe Flacco anymore.

The Bye Weeks

29. New York Jets (0-1)

Sam Darnold having mono is sooo painfully Jets.

30. Detroit Lions (0-1)

30. Arizona Cardinals (0-1)

Ties are a bi-product of the NFL's bizarre 10 minute overtime rule, which totally disrupts the flow of the game.

32. Miami Dolphins (0-1)

The 2019 Miami team motto - "TNT" for "Takes No Talent" - is amusing.

Paul Gallant hosts the "Gallant Says" podcast (Tuesdays & Fridays), "Just Sayin'", Friday nights at 10:30 on Kube 57, and contributes to SB Nation Radio. Have any questions? Get after him on Twitter, Instagram, or Facebook.

Deshaun Watson had an up and down day. Tim Warner/Getty Images

The Texans have been around for 18 years. They've made playoff appearances and even have a couple playoff wins. Never in their history, with the exception of a couple years in the Matt Schaub era, have they been truly thought of as a serious contender. They've built a reputation as a team that's more like the bridesmaid who never gets married, but is always asked to be in another friend's wedding. Close, but never the center of attention. Always on the outside looking in. Smelling the cookies, but can't afford to buy them. You get the point.

They have a chance to change that narrative this season. More specifically, they can set themselves up nicely over the next three weeks. With games against at the Ravens and MVP candidate Lamar Jackson in a noon time must-see-tv matchup, Thursday Night Football against division rival Colts, followed by Sunday night Football against perpetual big brother in the Patriots. All three games will be paid close attention to by the national eye given the high profile nature of not only the opponents and times they play, but also because the Texans are 6-3, leading the AFC South, and have a pretty damned good quarterback of their own. But there are bigger implications at stake.

Ready for your closeup Mr. Watson?

Deshaun Watson is no stranger to the spotlight. We all know of his exploits while at Clemson, and we've all heard what his college coach thinks of him. Over the next three games, he has an opportunity to establish himself as not only an MVP candidate this season, but as one of the best quarterbacks in the league. He has to outplay and beat a current MVP frontrunner, division rival, and Hall of Famer to do so. The funny thing is, it's not farfetched given the immense amount of talent he has. He has enough talent around him and the ability to elevate said talent to get it done. No more excuses because stretches and opportunities like this don't present themselves too often.

Next man up

In 2010, the Packers went on to win the Super Bowl. They also had over 20 guys on injured reserve that year as well. No team goes through a season and wins at a high level without facing adversity. The excuse of guys being hurt is the reason for not succeeding is for losers. Every player on that roster is there because they're considered one of the best in the world at what they do. There are approximately seven billion people on this planet. Only 1,952 of them are actively on an NFL roster or practice squad (give or take some on injured reserve and other lists). While the guys on the middle to back end of the Texans' roster may not be the best, they also didn't make it this far without proving themselves capable. Lose the "we have guys injured" narrative and step up to win games.

Little brother syndrome

Over the course of their history, the Texans have had a little brother syndrome when it comes to the Colts and Patriots. The Colts have owned the AFC South and they've failed miserably at trying to be Patriots South. Both of these teams have been to and won Super Bowls since the Texans have been in the league. Both have also used the Texans as a doormat to those Super Bowls. Now is the time to start putting an end to both of those storylines. The Colts are still a good team, but they aren't the juggernaut they once were. The Patriots still seem to be the powerhouse they've always been, but also have chinks in their armor. Watson is the one piece the Texans have never had: a dynamic playmaker at the most critical position. Now is the time to punch these two older brothers in the mouth and establish a new trend.

A reason for arrogance

It's well-known that Bill O'Brien can be a prick. His smug answers and general arrogance are another reason why people feel this franchise is trying too hard to be Patriots South. He's seen as a Bill Belichek knock-off who doesn't have the skins on the wall to pull off Belichek's persona. If this team can not only win these next three games, but also begin to establish themselves as true title contenders for the foreseeable furture, O'Brien's attitude would be a lot more accepted. He seems to be more pleasent when things are going his way, so maybe he'd drop the asshole act altogether if the team is winning and contending. Whether he's a nice guy or not doesn't mean much to me, but his whole schtick would be more palatable if the Texans were making regular AFC Title game appearences.

I'm not saying this three game stretch will define this franchise for years to come. This stretch can springboard them into something bigger. Finishing this run 3-0, 9-3 overall, would give them supreme confidence as well as position them for a first round bye in the AFC playoffs. They would even have a shot at homefield advantage throughout should they finish with the same record as the Patriots. Now is when it's time for your nuts to drop and voices to deepen Texans. It's time to start shaving and wearing grown man deodorant. This is when you have to get a job and start paying bills. Growing up has to happen at some point, or you're just another bum living off your parents and more successful siblings.

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