EVERY-THING SPORTS

Here's your all-encompassing glossary for the offseason and free agency

What's he trying to say? Composite image by Jack Brame

Good morning class! My name is Mr. Every and I'll be your teacher for today's class known as "Sports Terminology", or what some may refer to by its nickname "B.S. 101."

We're going through some interesting times right now. Every sports season has been upended to some degree because of COVID. The Astros are coming off a cheating scandal, making the ALCS, and almost making a World Series despite losing Gerrit Cole to free agency and Justin Verlander to injury. The Rockets are in all sorts of disarray! Nobody on the team seems to be happy and they all have requested trades. The Texans are Texan-ing their way into deeper irrelevancy in the most Texans way possible. Not to mention ALL THREE FRANCHISES have gotten rid of their head coach and general manager in one form or another!

Throughout this time, you'll hear a lot of words, phrases, terms and things that may be hard to decipher. Here's a glossary or some terms and phrases to help you figure out what's going on:

"(insert player name) isn't going anywhere": This phrase has multiple meanings. One is more literal and means said player is not, in fact, going anywhere and the organization wants him to stay. The more common meaning is that this is a holding statement until we find the best offer. We want the fans and media to calm down until we find the best offer.

"I didn't request a trade": This either means I didn't request a trade, or I requested one just not publicly.

"I plan to test free agency": I'm looking to secure the biggest bag I can! This could also mean I'm looking to win a ring. Rarely does this mean I'm looking for the best mashup of winning and making money.

"I'm opting out of my contract": Typically reserved for the NBA, this means a player is either A) re-signing a bigger, long term deal with his existing team or B) he's overvaluing himself and about to meet a sad reality.

"We're still committed to building a winner": We're looking to maximize our profit margins, even if that means we won't win. This is organization speak for we're about to start losing, but will be more profitable.

"I'm not happy with my current contract/role": Here's a doozy. Some players say this when they're actually outplayed their contract and/or are ready for a more prime time role. Totally get it in either instance. Then, there are the times in which you wish you could slap the taste out of the mouth that said this because they're completely delusional.

"I'm going to do what's best for me and my family": Again, I'm going to secure the biggest bag out there! On the rare occasion a player is taking his family's best interest into consideration, he's probably made his money and/or won rings, so he's looking to stabilize his family's home-base.

"I want to play for a contender": Guys who say this know what winning a ring would mean to their legacy. Even if their ring is discredited some by forming/joining a super team, they want to feel the validation of being a champion. This is coming from guys much earlier in their careers now, as opposed to older vets ring chasing.

There are other terms, words, and phrases you may hear. Those may or may not be on the test, but you're responsible for them as well. Now class, I want you to study these and prepare yourselves for the test next week. DO NOT! I repeat: DO NOT call one of the ESPN 97.5 shows sounding like an idiot after reading this! Conduct yourselves with some decency and intelligence dammit! I will immediately give you an F without grading your test! See y'all next week!

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Composite photo by Jack Brame

The Houston Texans will be among as many as 9 NFL teams in the off-season looking to fill their head coaching vacancy. Where does that opportunity rank among those 9? Make sure you watch the video above as we break it all down.

Presented by Fitz Roofing.

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