As you're reading this I'm sure your mom is getting signed. So as of noon on Wednesday, March 13 this is my grading. Enjoy!
Texans (F)
So many mistakes, where do I begin? Let's start with Ronald Darby. Its doubtful that Philly will resign him. This is the PERECT fit for one of the Texans biggest needs. Darby is young and experienced. He's got speed and a good eye. Did Houston reach out? Of course not. But what Houston DID do is let Mathieu AND Kareem Jackson slip away only to turn around and sign Roby and Gipson. I'm okay with the 1 year trial test on Roby, Gipson... Meh. The Texans time is NOW. They're letting their talent waste. Watt doesn't have that many years left and what's happening with Clowney? They franchised tagged him and have two choices now… 1) Pay him a mother load next year which we all know won't happen or 2) Tag him again and watch him not show up. Houston has the cap space… I'm just waiting for the fans to get what they deserve. Impress me, Houston. PLEASE.
NYG (F-)
If there is ever a team that can out do the Texans on mistakes, here they are. If anyone knows what the New York Giants are doing, feel free to tweet at me and let me know. First, you get rid of your number one defensive player. Then you trade away your number one wide receiver, who just happens to be one of the best receivers in the entire NFL for two picks and a trash safety? But you keep Eli. I understand in the rebuilding concept but this franchise is actually rebuilding BACKWARDS. If anything, you lock in your stars and look for an Eli replacement. *sigh*
BUFFALO WT..(F)
The Bills are the 21 year old me.. blowing through a check on stuff I didn't even have anything to show for in the end.
Frank Gore - old
Beasley - overpaid
Morse - Eh.
Kevin Johnson - Concussions are contagious? Because the head office caught one.
This may, in fact, be some of the worst FA moves I've seen in a while.
EAGLES (B)
TRUTH: Howie Roseman is a magician. Not really, but the man is pretty damn good at shuffling the cap money around. Let's address the mistake.. Philadelphia gave away their best pass rusher for free. Now, let the dust settle. Malik Jackson, DT from Jacksonville blessed the line with a 3yr/$30mil. Picture this… Jackson next to Fletch, Graham & Long. Now THAT'S a sexy front four. It gets even sexier hours later. DeSean Jackson comes home. The Eagles have now addressed two of their bigger concerns going into 2019. Wentz will have Jeffery, Ertz, Goedert, likely Agholor to stay in the slot and D Jac to stretch the field. Onto the draft.
BROWNS (B)
Two words, Sheldon Richardson. Three initials, OBJ. This is huge. But you know what they say about dream teams, beware. Can Cleveland pull this off, or does it just look good on paper? Is this for real or is this for fun?
NINERS (C)
Now I know what you're thinking, why does this team get a C? Everything looks so good right now, right? Minus the hefty price tags. But I see right through this. Here come the 49ers to make us all think that they will be great and this will be "the season." No thanks, I'm out this year. Continue to over spend and make no noise.
JAGUARS ( B )
The Jags have done nothing to allow me to give them a fair grade. BUT. Technically they SHOULD receive an automatic A for replacing that garbage can.. I mean.. Blake Bortles. "Holly, what do you think of Foles to Jacksonville?!" Foles deserves that money. Is he the new face of that franchise? Probably not. There are a select FEW QBs who actually have the ability to turn just about any team into something decent. Foles is not an Aaron Rodgers or a Tom Brady. And, as much as you may want to believe... I am not one to foresee the future. However, if Nick Foles can't cure the cancer in that locker room, I'm not sure what the answer is.
RAIDERS (C)
Adding big name AB isn't my focus. They upgraded with Trent Brown but way over paid. I'm also not a huge fan of Joyner. Give me more because I'm still not "WOW'd.
PACKERS (B)
Let's keep this one short and sweet. LOVE the Amos signing. ZaDarius Smith, I like it. Go Pack.
REDSKINS (LOL)
The Couch Slouch
The Slouch's Super Bowl viewing guide (and a special Astros version of Ask the Slouch)
Jan 27, 2020, 6:55 am
History repeats itself, unless it doesn't.
(And they say a University of Maryland education is worthless.)
So here's some history worth repeating: In February 1999, President Clinton, after being impeached by the House of Representatives, was acquitted by the Senate; Super Bowl 33 that year was played in Miami. In February 2020, President Trump, after being impeached by the House, likely will be acquitted by the Senate; Super Bowl 54 this year will be played in Miami.
In Super Bowl 33, the AFC champion Denver Broncos beat the NFC champion Atlanta Falcons, 34-19. In Super Bowl 54, it is almost fated that the AFC champion Kansas City Chiefs will beat the NFC champion San Francisco 49ers by the EXACT SAME SCORE, 34-19.
Wow.
And now, as a public service, I am here to provide my 54th annual Super Bowl Viewing Guide (for Super Bowl Parties of Six or More):
This is the Chiefs' first Super Bowl appearance in 50 years. A lot is being made of this. You know who is tired of hearing it? Fans of the Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, Houston Texans and Jacksonville Jaguars, the four NFL teams yet to play in a Super Bowl.
Here is a fun Patrick Mahomes factoid. In the 2014 MLB draft, he was selected in the 37th round by the Detroit Tigers. This means that the Tigers have drafted one more Super Bowl quarterback than the Lions have.
Here is a fun Patrick Mahomes observation. He is Stephen Curry in cleats.
I'm not a big nepotism fan – what did my dad ever do for me? – but it sure pays the bills. Mike Shanahan and Kyle Shanahan are the first father-son Super Bowl head-coaching duo; the elder Shanahan won back-to-back titles with the Denver Broncos and son Kyle is the 49ers' honcho. Meanwhile, Joe Buck is calling his sixth Super Bowl for Fox; his dad Jack Buck broadcast Super Bowl 4 on CBS with Pat Summerall.
Family ties are big in sports AND politics. John Adams was the second president (1797-1801) and son John Quincy Adams was the sixth (1825-29). It happened again with George H.W. Bush (1989-93) and George W. Bush (2001-2009). And Donald Trump and Donald Trump Jr. could very well become the first father-son presidential combo to be impeached.
Jimmy Garoppolo apparently completes more passes off the field than on the field. The 49ers quarterback reportedly has dated adult film star Kiara Mia, model Alexandra King and, recently, a VIP bottle-service gal from Sacramento. With the ladies, he makes Tom Brady look like Trent Dilfer.
Here is a controversial take I do not apologize for – on Super Bowl Sunday, dogs are okay and spouses are optional. Toni, a k a She Is The One (And Then Some), will attest to this: I have thrown her out of the house so I can watch in peace, but our beloved pit mix Daisy is allowed to sit by my side, licking herself through endless replay reviews ITAL and END ITAL critical third downs.
There are other, more sobering viewing options on Sunday. For those of you who miss the presence of the New England Patriots, I suggest the three-part Netflix docuseries, Killer Inside: The Mind of Aaron Hernandez.
Your guests deserve wise choices on food and beverage. No to kale, no to quinoa, no to chard, no to coconut water, no to all Budweiser products. Yes to Yuengling, Dr. Brown's Black Cherry soda, San Pellegrino sparkling water, Fritos, olives, capocollo, pigs in a blanket and cacio e pepe.
Super Bowl prop bets are bigger than ever. They're usually bad bets. My favorite? William Hill sports book is offering 9,999-1 odds on the Chiefs scoring exactly four points. Four points? When's the last time an NFL team scored four points? Like, maybe, NEVER. So why waste a dollar? Plus, this should pay 999,999-1, not 9,999-1. Geez.
Only one prop bet is an (almost) sure winner. Heads or tails on the coin flip: It's tails. Trust me. No one has flipped more coins than Couch Slouch. I flip a coin every morning – heads I get dressed, tails I go back to sleep – and I'm in bed almost the entire week.
Ask The Slouch
Special Houston Astros Edition
Q. Will MLB be investigating whether the infamous Cleveland Indians drum-playing fan is actually relaying signs to Indians hitters, or does the team's lack of success make it a moot point? (Dan Cantwell; Albany, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Will the Astros be able to hit major league pitching if they don't know what pitch is coming? (Michael Seltz; Alexandria, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Will any win over the Astros in the future be described as a buzzer beater? (John Haluska; Guilderland, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. How might the Astros have fared if Mitch McConnell were commissioner instead of Rob Manfred? (Joe Salo; Latham, N.Y.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Does MLB' s one-year suspension of A.J. Hinch prevent him from getting a job with the New England Patriots? (Bruce Ellisen; Washington, D.C.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!