WHO'S IN, WHO'S OUT
2024 bucket list — French Open is in, and one Astro is out
Apr 23, 2024, 5:08 pm
The Jose Abreu signing was a mistake. Composite Getty Image.
This Wednesday, April 24, is my favorite made-up “holiday” of the year - National Bucket List Day - because it reminds me that I have things I’d love to do, places to go, people to meet, and dreams to dream.
This surprised me: Casino.org, a site that surveys the online gaming and entertainment industry, asked 3,000 people, specifically Texans, "What’s on your bucket list?" The No. 1 answer was, “Take a road trip,” followed by “Go to the beach.”
Go to the beach is a bucket-list fantasy? Wait, let me close this laptop.
Okay, I’m back. Check off “go to the beach.” If you live in Houston, the beach on Galveston is one hour away and it’s free.
Did these people understand what bucket list means? It’s things you’d like to do before you die.
Before you kick the bucket.
I’m lucky, because of my profession, I’ve gotten to actually do some of things that might otherwise be on my bucket list:
I’ve met three U.S. Presidents and a Beatle. Guess who tops that list? It’s Paul McCartney. I covered the Berlin Wall coming down for Gannett Radio and George H.W. Bush’s funeral for the Washington Post. I played tennis with John McEnroe and Chris Evert. I was Texas All-Star Wrestling’s cruiserweight champion (you can look it up on Wikipedia) and I once ate one of Joey Chestnut’s leftover hot dogs at the Coney Island contest.
So I’m constantly coming up with new bucket list hopes. Here’s my 2024 Top 10 Bucket List of dreams to dream:
10. Watch the French Open tennis final live in Paris while eating a crunchy baguette sandwich. Just one slice of ham, one slice of Swiss cheese on a buttered baguette. Moins on en fait, mieux c’est. Less is more.
9. Convince Larry David to do another season of Curb Your Enthusiasm so I don’t sink into dark despair Sunday nights.
8. Let the Texas Legislature have the balls to put sports gambling on the ballot, which would win overwhelmingly, so we can have nice things like Oklahoma and Louisiana do.
7. See something done with the Astrodome. Either fix it up or tear it down. I don’t give a flying’ Philadelphia flip either way. But letting it sit there rotting away is unacceptable.
6. Watch the Astros tell Jose Abreu it’s been real, but it’s time for you to pack up your $58.5 million and go home. Bring up Joey Loperfido and see what the rookie can do. As John Lennon said, “it can't get no worse” than Abreu.
5. Have a mad scientist invent a way for dogs to live as long as people. That’s the only problem with dogs, you literally love them to death. It’s the saddest thing ever to say goodbye to your dog.
4. Have West U name a dead-end street after me.
3. Watch English muffins assume their rightful place as the bun of choice in Burger World. English muffins taste a thousand times better and absorb more grease than lame boring burger buns. Ever eat a burger bun by itself? Disgusting. A toasted, buttered English muffin? Delicious.
(By the way, Nancy’s Hustle in Houston serves their burgers on an English muffin and Justin Verlander gives it his thumbs up.)
2. Force candidates to pick up campaign signs the day after an election or get fined $1,000 per sign. It like I’m still seeing Whitmire for Mayor signs. I’m talking Kathy Whitmire.
1. Lastly, just once, I’d like to drive from Houston to San Antonio, or Houston to Dallas, without seeing one orange barrel. When is done ever done? I know, ain’t gonna happen.
This article originally appeared on CultureMap.
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After finishing up with the Guardians the Astros have a rather important series for early May with the Seattle Mariners heading to town for the weekend. While it’s still too early to be an absolute must-win series for the Astros, losing the series to drop seven or nine games off the division lead would make successfully defending their American League West title that much more unlikely.
Since their own stumble out of the gate to a 6-10 record the Mariners have been racking up series wins, including one this week over the Atlanta Braves. The M’s offense is largely Mmm Mmm Bad, but their pitching is sensational. In 18 games after a 4-8 start, the Mariners gave up five runs in a game once. In the other 17 games they only gave up four runs once. Over the 18 games their starting pitchers gave up 18 earned runs total with a 1.44 earned run average. That’s absurd. Coming into the season Seattle’s starting rotation was clearly better on paper than those of the Astros and Texas Rangers, and it has crystal clearly played out as such into the second month of the schedule.
While it’s natural to focus on and fret over one’s own team's woes when they are plentiful as they have been for the Astros, a reminder that not all grass is greener elsewhere. Alex Bregman has been awful so far. So has young Mariners’ superstar Julio Rodriguez (though not Breggy Bad). A meager four extra base hits over his first 30 games were all Julio produced down at the ballyard. That the Mariners are well ahead of the Astros with J-Rod significantly underperforming is good news for Seattle.
Caratini comes through!
So it turns out the Astros are allowed to have a Puerto Rican-born catcher who can hit a little bit. Victor Caratini’s pedigree is not that of a quality offensive player, but he has swung the bat well thus far in his limited playing time and provided the most exciting moment of the Astros’ season with his two-out two-run 10th inning game winning home run Tuesday night. I grant that one could certainly say “Hey! Ronel Blanco finishing off his no-hitter has been the most exciting moment.” I opt for the suddenness of Caratini’s blow turning near defeat into instant victory for a team that has been lousy overall to this point. Frittering away a game the Astros had led 8-3 would have been another blow. Instead, to the Victor belong the spoils.
Pudge Rodriguez is the greatest native Puerto Rican catcher, but he was no longer a good hitter when with the Astros for the majority of the 2009 season. Then there’s Martin Maldonado.
Maldonado’s hitting stats with the Astros look Mike Piazza-ian compared to what Jose Abreu was doing this season. Finally, mercifully for all, Abreu is off the roster as he accepts a stint at rookie-level ball in Florida to see if he can perform baseball-CPR on his swing and career. Until or unless he proves otherwise, Abreu is washed up and at some point the Astros will have to accept it and swallow whatever is left on his contract that runs through next season. For now Abreu makes over $120,000 per game to not be on the roster. At his level of performance, that’s a better deal than paying him that money to be on the roster.
Abreu’s seven hits in 71 at bats for an .099 batting average with a .269 OPS is a humiliating stat line. In 2018 George Springer went to sleep the night of June 13 batting .293 after going hitless in his last four at bats in a 13-5 Astros’ win over Oakland. At the time no one could have ever envisioned that Springer had started a deep, deep funk which would have him endure a nightmarish six for 78 stretch at the plate (.077 batting average). Springer then hit .293 the rest of the season.
Abreu’s exile opened the door for Joey Loperfido to begin his Major League career. Very cool for Loperfido to smack a two-run single in his first game. He also struck out twice. Loperfido will amass whiffs by the bushel, he had 37 strikeouts in 101 at bats at AAA Sugar Land. Still, if he can hit .225 with some walks mixed in (he drew 16 with the Space Cowboys) and deliver some of his obvious power (13 homers in 25 games for the ex-Skeeters) that’s an upgrade over Abreu/Jon Singleton, as well as over Jake Meyers and the awful showing Chas McCormick has posted so far. Frankly, it seems unwise that the Astros only had Loperfido play seven games at first base in the minors this year. If McCormick doesn’t pick it up soon and with Meyers displaying limited offensive upside, the next guy worth a call-up is outfielder Pedro Leon. In January 2021 the Astros gave Leon four million dollars to sign out of Cuba and called him a “rapid mover to the Major Leagues.” Well…
Over his first three minor league seasons Leon flashed tools but definitely underwhelmed. He has been substantially better so far this year. He turns 26 May 28. Just maybe the Astros offense could be the cause of fewer Ls with Loperfido at first and Leon in center field.
Catch our weekly Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast. Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and I discuss varied Astros topics. The first post for the week generally goes up Monday afternoon (second part released Tuesday) via YouTube: stone cold stros - YouTube with the complete audio available via Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.