BRAWL IN THE BIG APPLE

Here's how the Houston Astros blueprint for success is being built

Astros Yordan Alvarez, Jose Altuve, Alex Bregman
The New York teams are a good measuring stick for Houston. Composite image by Jack Brame.
How Astros final stretch of games will perfectly set the tone for postseason

We know what hedonism is – the pursuit of pleasure and sensual self-indulgence. Hedonists care only about their personal happiness, physical gratification and living the fine life.

Hedonism II, for example, is the notorious clothing-optional resort in Jamaica where, according to the brochure, “one of the greatest pleasures of life in indulging in our most hedonistic desires. Here there’s never too much of a good thing. People live out their fantasies and escape their inhibitions. From that extra slice of decadent chocolate cake or a lobster tail smothered in lemon butter, an extra shot of 12-year-old rum in your punch to a sensual midnight tryst in the pool.”

You had me at chocolate cake, but I think I’ll pass on getting into that pool. Also, I’m a clothing-mandatory guy. You’ll thank me later.

On the opposite end of hedonism is a psychological condition called Anhedonia. Someone who suffers from Anhedonia is unable to find pleasure in anything. They’re like that Joe Btfsplk character in the comic strip Li’l Abner who has a dark rain cloud constantly over him.

Fun fact, Woody Allen originally wanted Anhedonia as the title for his 1977 Oscar-winning comedy Annie Hall.

This past week, if you looked up Anhedonia in the dictionary you might have seen photos of Houston Astros fans. I’ve been reading sportswriters and listening to talk shows griping about the Astros blowing two leads at Yankee Stadium. There was whining, the Astros shoulda, coulda, woulda” won all six games against the Mets and Yankees.

Like the bartender said to the horse who walked into a saloon and ordered a martini – “Why the long face?”

The Astros swept two against the NL East-leading Mets in Houston and split a four-game set against the MLB-leading Yankees in The Bronx. That’s 4-2 against the two best records in baseball. Despite the Astros’ weirdly powder puff schedule thus far in 2022, DraftKings has the Astros at No. 2 in its power rankings. Fangraphs goes one better, they have the Astros as favorites to win the World Series.

Astros starting pitchers completely shut down the mighty Yankees. That’s pretty good. Three hurlers combined for a no-hitter, including hanging the loss on former Astro Gerrit Cole. Not too shabby. Jose Altuve answered Yankees fans’ chorus of boos and profanity with big hits, including a first-pitch homer. Loved that.

The Astros are leading the AL West by 10 full games. They’re the only team in the division with a winning record. Houston, we have no problem.

Now it’s on to the Mets at Citi Field for two games before returning to Minute Maid Park for a one-night stand with the Yankees on Thursday.

Sure there are problems that need to be addressed. Manager Dusty Baker went all Floyd the Barber explaining why he didn’t intentionally walk Aaron Judge in the 10th inning on Sunday. Earlier that game, Baker sent Jason Castro to pinch hit for Martin Maldonado. Castro is hitting .095. Maldy is hitting .147. Somebody needs to look it up, this deep into a season, is that the lowest combined average for a pinch hitter and pinch hittee? Also, I think we’ve seen enough of Phil Maton out of the bullpen.

General manager James Click, get to work.

Cheer up Astros fans. All’s well that, according to Fangraphs, will end well.

You want something to really be concerned about? There’s a blooper in H-E-B’s new commercial featuring Alex Bregman, Jose Altuve, Jeremy Pena and Lance McCullers.

Bregman and Altuve think salsa night means chips and dip, while Pena and McCullers come prepared to dance the night away. They battle back and forth … “Salsa!” No, “Salsa!”

Look closely, McCullers’ man bun is tightly wound in the first two exchanges, is combed out and free-flowing in the third, but his bun is magically recoiled two seconds later.

That wouldn’t have happened under Scott McClelland’s watch.

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Shots fired! Photo by Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images for American Express.

Last week, Charles Barkley trolled the New Orleans Pelicans and sideswiped innocent bystander Galveston after the Pels’ embarrassing loss to Oklahoma City.

Instead of “sending” the Pelicans to Cancun, as is the running joke on the NBA’s post-game show on TNT, Barkley was so disgusted in the Pelicans that he said they didn’t deserve to vacation in the Mexican resort city.

No, Barkley was sentencing the Pelicans to Galveston where …

"Galveston. That dirty ass water. We're not even going to send them to Cancun. We're going to send them to Galveston with that dirty ass water, be washing up on the shore. People think they in the beach," Barkley ranted.

"We're not getting them no plane ticket to the beach. We're sending their ass to Galveston, Texas, right where that dirty water washed up on the beach. They can't even get in the water.”

Barkley clearly was kidding, not kidding. Galveston responded good naturedly with billboards around the island.

"Hey Charles, come on down — water's fine!"

"Our water is cleaner than your golf swing.”

"You've never turned down any of our great food."

Each billboard was signed, “Love, Galveston.”

Here’s where the Galveston tourism folks and I differ. My billboards would have read:

“Dirty ass water? Then keep your fat butt out of here.”

“Our economy is strong, even without the enormous ‘entertainment’ tabs you’ve rung up here.”

“Get your Mounjaro somewhere else.”

Tina Knowles thinks like me. She went on social media and warned Barkley:

“We don’t play about Galveston, Texas. You better watch it sucker. Our water might not be blue but it’s still the beach and we love it.”

Knowles, who was born in Galveston, is the mother of superstar Beyoncé. It was Beyoncé’s husband Jay-Z that alerted Knowles about Barkley’s dig.

Barkley folded and apologized to Knowles:

"Ms. Knowles I don't want the smoke. I don't want the Beyhive and Jay after me."

The truth about Galveston's water

Channel 2 weatherman and longtime Galveston resident Frank Billingsley took Barkley’s jibe in stride.

“We love Charles’ sense of humor which is clearly as challenged as our water,” Billingsley said.

Sure Galveston’s beach water, to be kind, can be a bit murky. I wouldn’t go in it. But I sure love eating the shrimp that once lived in it.

Billingsley explained why the water in Galveston is so, at times, dirty.

“The Brazos River empties into the Gulf south of Galveston and that silt is what you’re seeing. It is not the Mississippi River like people think. The Mississippi River messes up Biloxi, not Galveston. During drought years when the Brazos River is low the water in Galveston can be clearer.”

Storms and strong tides also churn the water like a Vitamix blender causing the water to be darker and dirtier.

Billingsley cleared (ironic choice of words) up the difference in the water on Galveston’s Gulf and Bay sides.

“The Bay is an estuary and more salty than the Gulf side. The Bay is a perfect home to shrimp and oysters. Of course, during floods like now, the Bay gets more river water and becomes less salty.”

Several years ago, during the BP Oil spill, a national publication dispatched me to the Gulf coastline to write about the spill’s effect on the environment and local economies. That’s when I learned about the benefits of Galveston’s so-called “dirty ass water,” caused by sand and mud and plant life and nutrients and who-knows-what-else is lurking on the bottom of the gulf floor.

I was told that seafood, like shrimp, takes on the flavors of the water where it lived. The Gulf of Mexico and Galveston Bay are like a big Golden Corral to shrimp and fish and oysters. One bite and you can tell the difference between delicious Gulf shrimp and bland farm-raised shrimp from Asia.

Next time, before you order a shrimp platter or po’ boy from a restaurant, ask where the shrimp are from. If they say China or they don’t know, you might want to consider a burger.


This article originally appeared on CultureMap.

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