WATT A POWER MOVE!
5 relatable moments from J.J. Watt's big soccer announcement
May 3, 2023, 11:36 am
WATT A POWER MOVE!
Houston Texans and NFL all-time great J.J. Watt's Twitter bio reads, “Dream Big. Work Hard.” But it appears that our beloved No. 99 needs something to do since retiring.
Fortunately for the Texans legend — and apparently, for his soccer star wife Kealia Ohai Watt — the (seemingly bored) future Hall of Famer has a new project. And it's far more than building cabinetry or trying golf.
In a hilarious Twitter video, Watt declared that he has “officially retired from retirement” and is now backing a football team. Not American football. The kind — as he explains in the video, brilliantly using an extending pointer and map — where “they play football with their feet.”
The Watts are now investors in the English soccer team Burnley FC. The team, nicknamed The Clarets, most recently competed in the English Football League Championship — known as "the Championship" in England — but will soon play in the top-tier Premier League.
I’m officially retiring from retirement.
Kind of…
Just watch. @BurnleyOfficial
UTC! pic.twitter.com/LGW2H9x90C
— JJ Watt (@JJWatt) May 1, 2023
“When you invest in a club that’s been around since 1882, you must have great respect for its history and tradition,” the Watts noted in a statement. “We understand that not only are we investing in the squad and manager, we’re investing in the town and its people.” The couple even received No. 99 and No. 2 jerseys, respectively, from the squad.
That serious statement is all well and good, but we're still chuckling over the Watts' video announcement, which is 100-percent relatable for couples across the globe. Here are some of our favorite moments from their big announce.
Honey, I'm bored
In a move familiar to every married guy with a totally genius, just-hear-me-out idea, J.J. proudly pitches a road trip to a dubious Kealia. “If we rent an RV, we can hit the entire Taylor Swift tour,” he explains to her, unfolding a map, “just by driving.”
Kealia's “can you believe this dude?” long blink/look to the camera echoes exasperated wives everywhere.
Every husband has made a pitch like this to a dubious partner. JJ Watt/Twitter.
“Look, I've only been retired for about four months,” Watt, who's captioned with “Retired Guy” in the video, explains to viewers, “but I really need something to do.”
Then comes his “officially retired from retirement” declaration. Kealia's a one-word response is also relatable to wives everywhere: “Thankfully.”
Look out Lasso
Deftly explaining England's — and most of the world's — defining sport, our hero extends a presentation-worthy metal pointer, motions to a map of the isles (that magically rolls in from nowhere), and states, “You see, over in these islands here, they play football with their feet. Like her.”
Cut to a pro soccer league highlight reel of Kealia scoring like mad on poor goalies.
Thanks, J.J., we were a little shaky on the football-versus-football thing — until the Kealia sizzle reel. Ted Lasso's got nothing on you, sir.
Justin James ... or Ryan Reynolds?
Yet another soccer-loving celeb gets a name check in the video. In another scene totally relatable to married couples, J.J. declares, “We are going to invest in European Football.”
“So, you want to be Ryan Reynolds,” an off-screen interviewer asks, in a nod to the handsome superstar actor' EFL club, Wrexham.
“No...” J.J starts to reply, shaking his head — immediately interrupted by Kealia, who answers, “Yes, please.”
Cut to a headshot of handsome Reynolds, with J.J. giving a smiling, smitten Kealia a “heyyyy, wait a minute,” glance.
Continue on CultureMap to learn more!
We’re inside two weeks to the Astros starting their regular season (Yes!), but the NFL hogged this week of the pro sports scene with its annual spend like drunken sailors shopping spree via free agency. The Texans’ activity has been interesting on both the free agent and trade fronts. Let’s dig in.
Let’s start with their Tunsil-ectomy. Laremy Tunsil was a very good though not superstar left tackle here. His embarrassing number of false starts notwithstanding, Tunsil was consistently their best pass protector. That might not be saying much relative to the rest of the offensive line, but it is not meant as damning with faint praise. Pro Bowl selections can come from reputation or flat-out bad voting, but being named a Pro Bowler five times in six seasons is at least a good indicator a guy doesn’t stink. Still, had he remained, Tunsil’s salary cap figure would have been a bloated 28 and a half million dollars. Getting second and third round draft picks from the Washington Commanders for Tunsil is a good return, though it is also telling that the Texans were willing to absorb 15 million dollars in dead salary cap space to offload him.
Cutting guard Shaq Mason costs the Texans another 12 and a half mil in dead cap space, a little over five million of that swallowed this year with the balance wasted in 2026. Nick Caserio signed Tunsil and Mason to the contract extensions the Texans ultimately chose to escape from early. Caserio’s first first round pick in charge was guard Kenyon Green, whose time with the Texans was an absolute flop. Dealing Green this week to the Super Bowl Champion Eagles for safety C.J. Gardner-Johnson is an absolute win, almost regardless of how Gardner-Johnson performs here. “CGJ” joins Jalen Pitre and Calen Bullock in giving the Texans three talented safeties all 27 years old or younger. Back to the o-line. Two years in, former second round pick Juice Scruggs is a middling player at best. Off an undistinguished rookie season as a second rounder also, Blake Fisher has a prove himself season coming with the right tackle job seemingly being handed to him.
Tytus Howard presumably slots as the new left tackle. Season-to-season he has never been as good as Tunsil. At over 23 million dollars, Howard presently carries the second-biggest cap figure on the team, behind only Danielle Hunter. One guard spot in 2025 goes to value free agent signee Laken Tomlinson. Summing him up in one word, Tomlinson is middling. In another word he is durable. The 33-year-old Tomlinson has started every game for seven consecutive seasons. The downside is he’s just not that great. Hence the Texans get him on a one-year contract for four and a quarter mil. Yet, if Tomlinson can be an average starting guard that will be a substantial upgrade from their guard play in 2024. That leaves center and the other guard spot to sort through. Scruggs and Jarrett Patterson are still around. Caserio took a flier in trading a 2026 sixth round pick to Minnesota for guard Ed Ingram. After starting for two and a half seasons, a healthy Ingram was benched and didn’t play one snap apart from special teams in the Vikings’ last nine games. Ingram is only 26 years old and in the final season of his rookie contract. Again, he doesn’t need to be confused with prime-Mike Munchak to be able to improve the Texans at least incrementally.
Add it all up and Caserio has not done a good job where the o-line is concerned. His in-season remarks bleating about a “lazy narrative” from the media re: the weakness of that line were condescending and/or mistaken at the time, and now register as flat out ridiculous. The offensive coordinator and offensive line coach have been fired, three of the season-opening starting o-linemen have been jettisoned. With all of the changes, all offensive line problems going forward should be pinned squarely on Caserio. I think C.J. Stroud would agree.
Doubling down on defense
The Texans’ other free agent moves have been depth plays, most notably on the defensive line, re-signing defensive linemen Mario Edwards Jr., Derek Barnett, and Kurt Hinish, adding Darrell Taylor, and bringing back 2023 starter Sheldon Rankins after he had an injury-hindered 2024 with Cincinnati. The wide receiver room needed work. Stefon Diggs is probably gone, unfortunately Tank Dell is a question mark to play much at all in 2025. None among Robert Woods, John Metchie, and Xavier Hutchinson should be automatics for roster spots. The trade for Christian Kirk from Jacksonville adds a speed component at wideout. Maybe Justin Watson from Kansas City has sleeper contributor potential. Over the last two seasons with the Chiefs Watson caught 49 passes, five for touchdowns.
The next heavy lifting for the Texans comes with the NFL Draft, which starts April 24. The Texans have the 25th pick in the first round. Pending any other free agent moves of note, offensive line and wide receiver should remain top priorities.
Closing in on Opening Day, join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!
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