Defying all logic, Houston Texans continue making out like bandits

The Texans are still raking the money in. Composite image by Brandon Strange.

Let’s just say that 2021 wasn’t the best of years for the Houston Texans.

Their All-Pro star quarterback was sued by 24 female massage therapists who alleged sexual misconduct and sexual assault. The team was accused of helping the quarterback in his questionable behavior and settled with 30 different women involved in the case.

The Texans put the quarterback in timeout and didn’t allow him to play a single down all year.

The Texans finished 4-13 and fired their coach after only one season.

The Texans were named in a lawsuit charging the NFL with racial discrimination and wound up hiring a coach who wasn’t even a finalist in their initial search.

The team owner is perceived as a low-IQ hayseed and sports talk hosts have nicknames for him like Floyd the Barber, Hee Haw and Jethro.

The team’s executive vice-president of football operations and resident Svengali has a reputation one step below a snake oil salesman at Brother Love’s Traveling Salvation Show in an empty field just outside the city limits.

NRG Stadium was a mausoleum last season with sidewalk scalpers selling tickets for pennies on the hundreds of dollars.

The team was outscored by 172 points, their worst point differential in team history.

In recent years, the team released their biggest and most beloved star ever, J.J. Watt, and traded their star receiver DeAndre Hopkins for a pack of stale Twizzlers.

This year, the Texans will be paying three head coaches: current coach Lovie Smith, their old coach David Culley and their old-old coach Bill O’Brien.

The future doesn’t require sunglasses. Las Vegas has published early odds for all 17 Texans games in 2022. They are underdogs in every game posted, including Week 17 when the lowly Jacksonville Jaguars visit NRG Stadium.

So far, the most positive news coming out of training camp is the Texans will wear a new red helmet for one whole game this season, Nov. 3 against the Philadelphia Eagles. Keep staring at the shiny watch, Texans fans, you’re getting sleepy, very sleepy.

The Texans couldn’t have had a worse couple of years if Jerry Jones had sent a mole down to Houston to muck up the Texans franchise.

Things have gone so lousy for the Texans lately that even the old Enron accountants couldn’t save the bottom line, right?

You would be wrong.

The Houston Texans are a printing press for money. The Texans are valued at $4.63 billion with a big fat “B.” That’s 21 percent more than the $3.84 they were valued at in 2021 and 38 percent more than the $3.34 billion in 2020.

Can you imagine what the Texans would be worth if they had respected ownership and weren’t paying off women accusing the team of aiding a player accused of sexual misconduct, or part of a lawsuit charging racial discrimination, or played in the Super Bowl (never), made the AFC championship game (never) and actually won more games than they lost (139-182 since their inception 21 years ago)?

Each year, Sportico publishes a list of NFL team values. The Texans are No. 11 at $4.63. It’s a pretty well-to-do fraternity, with the average NFL franchise worth $4.14 billion. While the Texans are underperforming on the field, they’re over performing on their balance sheet.

The No. 1 most valuable NFL team is the Dallas Cowboys, worth upwards of $7.64 billion. That’s $630 million ahead of the No. 2 richest team in the world, the New York Yankees.

The second most-valued NFL team is the current Super Bowl champion Los Angeles Rams at $5.91 billion. The bargain basement NFL team is the Cincinnati Bengals, worth “only” $2.84 billion.

Sixteen NFL teams are worth more than $4 billion. The NBA and MLB have only seven teams combined valued at more than $4 billion.

The richest NBA team, despite what you see in the league standings, is the New York Knicks, around the $6 billion mark, slightly ahead of the Golden State Warriors and Los Angeles Lakers. The richest soccer teams are Barcelona and Real Madrid, both in the $5 billion range.

Meanwhile, as Wendy Williams asks, how you doin’, Texans fan? You might not want to look at your 401k statement. Wall Street just reported its worst first half of a year since 1970.

The S&P 500 is down 20 percent this year. NASDAQ is down 30 percent. The Dow Jones is down 15 percent. The current inflation rate is 9.1 percent. If you’re not in the market and choose to sock away your money at the bank, you’re getting about 1.5 percent interest. Food and gas price are up, rents are up, home loan interest rates are up, tuition is up. You’re losing money by saving money.

You can’t win, and neither can the Houston Texans, on the field anyway. The only difference is, the Texans are raking in money like there’s no tomorrow, which starts Sept. 11 at home against Indianapolis. The Colts are 8-point favorites.

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What will the Houston Texans do in the NFL Draft? A new mock draft from ESPN’s Matt Miller has the Texans making two surprise picks, including a bold selection at QB!

In this scenario, the Colts trade up to No. 1 and draft Bryce Young, with the Texans selecting QB Will Levis at No.2 overall.

Based on this scenario, the Colts didn't have to give up that much draft capital to go from No. 4 to No. 1. With this in mind, should the Texans trade up to No.1 and secure their favorite QB?

This will be a tough pill to swallow for Texans fans, considering they had the first pick all but locked up heading into the last game of the season.

Be sure to check out the video above as the guys are not all in agreement on this move.

LISTEN to The Wheelhouse on ESPN Houston 97.5 or 92.5 FM every weekday from 3-7 PM CST!

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