I left for vacation on April 14. Came back home on April 24. Eleven days in England and Germany.

Astros first baseman Jose Abreu went 0 for my vacation.

The last time Abreu reached base via a real-life hit was April 13 when he got two hits (fully half of his season total) and his batting average soared to a robust .122.

Since then, while I was dining on shepherd’s pie and schnitzel, Abreu has gone hitless in 21 at bats and his batting average has plunged to a squinty .065.

There’s an expression in baseball when a player is having a horrible, dreadful season: “He ain’t hitting his weight.”

Abreu ain’t hitting his uniform number. If you’re keeping score at home, Abreu weighs 250 pounds and wears number 79.

Abreu is chasing history. The record for suckiest single-season batting average for a player with enough plate appearances (502) to qualify for the batting title is held by former Orioles slugger Chris Davis.

In 2018, Davis batted .168. Despite being in the middle of a wildly overpaid 7-year, $161 million contract, the Orioles essentially fired Davis and his career was over in 2020.

Abreu is in the middle year of a guaranteed 3-year, $58.5 million, money down the toilet contract. Will he be an Astro next year when owner Jim Crane chokes on signing yet another $19.5 million paycheck for Abreu? Unlikely.

Other modern era batters have turned in disastrous single-season averages. Dan Uggla batted an unattractive .179 for the Braves in 2013. Rob Deer was a deer in the headlights swatting .179 for the Tigers in 1991.

Abreu is turning futility into an art form. If he continues his .065 pace he will obliterate every record for crummiest season in baseball history.

He has appeared in 19 games and has 4 hits in 62 at bats, with no home runs and one measly RBI. He had his latest oh-fer Tuesday night against the Cubs.

Fans are clamoring for Astros manager Joe Espada to open his eyes, stop looking at the back of Abreu’s baseball and bench the flailing, failing first baseman.

I say the opposite. In fact move him back to fifth in the batting order. If Abreu stays focused on doing what he does best this season - striking out with runners in scoring position - fans can witness the worst batting stats anybody’s ever had.

Oh, by the way, Abreu is a horrible fielding first baseman. We don’t know if he’s a good base runner. He’d have to get on base for us to tell.

Abreu is on pace to get 502 plate appearances. So this counts.

There actually is a player who’s having worse time at the plate than Abreu., though.

Abreu’s meager stats look positively Ruthian compared to what former Astro catcher Martin Maldonado is putting up for the White Sox. Maldy has 2 hits in 42 at bats for a subterranean .048 batting average with no homers and no RBI in 15 games. Maldonado won’t get to 502 plate appearances, however.

Who will end 2024 with a lower batting average: Abreu or Maldonado? This epic battle could go down to the final game of the season.