A SHOUT-OUT TO JOHN AND KEN
Ken Hoffman relives his painful showdown with tennis legend John McEnroe
Oct 1, 2018, 5:45 am
McEnroe's upcoming Houston appearance should be a real scream. Photo by Clive Brunskill/Getty Images for The Laver Cup
This article originally appeared on CultureMap.
Tennis legends John McEnroe, Jim Courier, Andy Roddick, and James Blake are coming to Houston for a one-night tournament, October 4, at Rice University's Tudor Fieldhouse. The Champions Cup will feature semifinal matches starting at 7 pm. with the winners facing off for the title. Tickets are $35 for adults and $10 for kids under 10.
Fans also can buy VIP packages that include backstage passes, the players' party, and opportunities to "play with the pros" earlier that day.
Here's some advice. If you pay to play a doubles match with the legends, ask for John McEnroe as your partner. For two reasons:
No. 1: McEnroe may be the greatest doubles player of all time. They used to say, the greatest doubles team is John McEnroe and anyone else. He was part of 79 champion doubles teams, including nine grand slams.
No. 2: More important, you definitely don't want to play against him.
I learned No. 2 the hard way. True story:
Several years ago, River Oaks Country Club hosted an exhibition tennis match. Originally it was going to John McEnroe vs. Xavier Malisse of Belgium.
The tournament director and I cooked up an idea. I would be a linesman and call a "foot fault" on McEnroe's first serve. He would pretend to go ballistic on me, scream his trademark, "You cannot be serious," call me the "pits of the world," and demand that I be removed. Security would escort me to the parking lot and off I'd go. Then McEnroe and Malisse would play a real match.
It didn't happen that way. Malisse didn't show up at River Oaks and the tournament flew in U.S. pro Mardy Fish as a replacement. Also, I heard that somebody in McEnroe's camp killed the foot fault routine.
Instead ... the tournament director told me, "Look, McEnroe and Fish are going to play a match, then we're going to have a fun doubles match, you and Fish against McEnroe and the club champion."
Huh? Sure, I'll do it.
I love John McEnroe. He's one of my favorite players ever, seven-time Grand Slam singles champion, Davis Cup warrior, and the voice and face of U.S. tennis. I think he's the best TV analyst of any sport. I respect him as a person for the way he's conducted his life. Plus, he was hilarious as a guest on Larry David's show, Curb Your Enthusiasm.
A few days before the match, I did a phone interview with McEnroe to drum up ticket sales. McEnroe couldn't have been more gracious and accommodating. He said he was driving one of his children to school (or something, I forget) and "take your time."
I told him, "I have your autobiography (You Cannot Be Serious). I hope I get to meet you and have you autograph it."
Things turned weird the night of the match. First, Fish beat McEnroe in a pretty tense match. McEnroe, true to his reputation, took the match dead seriously and played his guts out. He's not exactly what you'd call a "good loser," at least not during the losing.
Now we're going to play doubles. As I was waiting in the players' lounge, an official with the event told me, "We're going to have you wear a microphone. We want you to go after McEnroe, rile him up, make him angry — the crowd will love it."
I told him, there is absolute zero chance I will do that. I should have said, "You cannot be serious!" John McEnroe is one of the reasons I stay up all night watching tennis tournaments from around the world.
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After finishing up with the Guardians the Astros have a rather important series for early May with the Seattle Mariners heading to town for the weekend. While it’s still too early to be an absolute must-win series for the Astros, losing the series to drop seven or nine games off the division lead would make successfully defending their American League West title that much more unlikely.
Since their own stumble out of the gate to a 6-10 record the Mariners have been racking up series wins, including one this week over the Atlanta Braves. The M’s offense is largely Mmm Mmm Bad, but their pitching is sensational. In 18 games after a 4-8 start, the Mariners gave up five runs in a game once. In the other 17 games they only gave up four runs once. Over the 18 games their starting pitchers gave up 18 earned runs total with a 1.44 earned run average. That’s absurd. Coming into the season Seattle’s starting rotation was clearly better on paper than those of the Astros and Texas Rangers, and it has crystal clearly played out as such into the second month of the schedule.
While it’s natural to focus on and fret over one’s own team's woes when they are plentiful as they have been for the Astros, a reminder that not all grass is greener elsewhere. Alex Bregman has been awful so far. So has young Mariners’ superstar Julio Rodriguez (though not Breggy Bad). A meager four extra base hits over his first 30 games were all Julio produced down at the ballyard. That the Mariners are well ahead of the Astros with J-Rod significantly underperforming is good news for Seattle.
Caratini comes through!
So it turns out the Astros are allowed to have a Puerto Rican-born catcher who can hit a little bit. Victor Caratini’s pedigree is not that of a quality offensive player, but he has swung the bat well thus far in his limited playing time and provided the most exciting moment of the Astros’ season with his two-out two-run 10th inning game winning home run Tuesday night. I grant that one could certainly say “Hey! Ronel Blanco finishing off his no-hitter has been the most exciting moment.” I opt for the suddenness of Caratini’s blow turning near defeat into instant victory for a team that has been lousy overall to this point. Frittering away a game the Astros had led 8-3 would have been another blow. Instead, to the Victor belong the spoils.
Pudge Rodriguez is the greatest native Puerto Rican catcher, but he was no longer a good hitter when with the Astros for the majority of the 2009 season. Then there’s Martin Maldonado.
Maldonado’s hitting stats with the Astros look Mike Piazza-ian compared to what Jose Abreu was doing this season. Finally, mercifully for all, Abreu is off the roster as he accepts a stint at rookie-level ball in Florida to see if he can perform baseball-CPR on his swing and career. Until or unless he proves otherwise, Abreu is washed up and at some point the Astros will have to accept it and swallow whatever is left on his contract that runs through next season. For now Abreu makes over $120,000 per game to not be on the roster. At his level of performance, that’s a better deal than paying him that money to be on the roster.
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Over his first three minor league seasons Leon flashed tools but definitely underwhelmed. He has been substantially better so far this year. He turns 26 May 28. Just maybe the Astros offense could be the cause of fewer Ls with Loperfido at first and Leon in center field.
Catch our weekly Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast. Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and I discuss varied Astros topics. The first post for the week generally goes up Monday afternoon (second part released Tuesday) via YouTube: stone cold stros - YouTube with the complete audio available via Apple Podcast, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.