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Tom Brady can take any job in America he wants.
Sure, many NFL teams would love to have him for the next season or two, but I guarantee you almost any organization – big business, Wall Street, law firms, Hollywood, ad agencies, even Spirit Airlines – would hire him in a Foxboro heartbeat.
What, if you're BBDO trying to convince Coca-Cola to let you run its next TV campaign, you don't think Tom Brady in the room can't help you seal the deal?
Who wouldn't want TB12 – the all-time QB1 – on their roster?
I know Brady never EVER gets hit in the pocket, but he could make a better, safer living without having to put on pads, cleats and eye black every Sunday. Heck, he's Tom Brady – he shouldn't even be working Sunday.
A bail bonds or check-cashing store would have lines around the block if Brady were working the night shift.
He could make Ben from Ben & Jerry's an offer he couldn't refuse and recast the ice cream powerhouse as Tom & Jerry's. He could turn IHOP into the International House of Brady. He could revive "The Brady Bunch" on ABC, getting Gronk acting work as the crazy neighbor next door.
For Brady, the implausible is plausible. Is there any other 42-year-old in the nation as healthy, handsome and happy? This man's version of a personal setback is having a baby with a model and leaving her for another model.
Yet despite a world of possibilities, Brady almost certainly will remain in the NFL in 2020.
Speculation has been rampant whether first-time free agent Brady will stay in New England or leave the Patriots. Almost daily, there are stories in which sources say which way Brady is leaning. I am not sure who these "sources" are – Brady only talks to Julian Edelman, his nutritionist and the fellow who handles the air pressure in his footballs.
Does Couch Slouch know what Brady will do? Of course not. However, through contacts of mine with the Patriots' video surveillance team, T-Mobile, ADT and Russian hackers, I have obtained access to a series of recent texts between Brady and his wife, Gisele Bündchen, discussing his NFL options.
(Note: The texts have been edited for space and clarity.)
Gisele: San Francisco?
Tom: It's actually Santa Clara.
Gisele: Minnesota?
Tom: Mosquitos in the summer.
Gisele: Las Vegas?
Tom: Gruden in my face 24-7? I don't think so.
Gisele: Houston or Dallas?
Tom: I don't want to leave the U.S.
Gisele: Los Angeles?
Tom: Remember when we had a home in L.A.? Took 20 minutes just to pull out of the driveway.
Gisele: Jets or Giants?
Tom: I don't care if they name a rest stop after me, I'm not going anywhere near the New Jersey Turnpike.
Gisele: D.C.?
Tom: Let's wait and see if Trump is still in office.
Gisele: Jacksonville?
Tom: That's not even Florida – it's really Georgia.
Gisele: Chicago?
Tom: They already have Mitch Trubisky.
Gisele: Cincinnati?
Tom: I don't mind a team that is rebuilding but I don't want one that is reincarnating.
Gisele: Indianapolis?
Tom: Look at me. Look at you. Look at Indianapolis.
Gisele: New England?
Tom: Belichick.
Gisele: I'll call the movers.
Ask The Slouch
Q.The Seattle Dragons-Houston Roughnecks XFL game – still in doubt – ended with two seconds left, inexplicably. Is there an explanation? (Bill Sharpe; Houston)
A. If the game had gone to overtime, everyone gets paid overtime; wherever possible, the XFL is still cutting corners.
Q.I happened onto a PBA telecast recently and, as I watched, mesmerized, the thought came to me: How can we use instant replay to screw up bowling? (Jim Clanton; Spokane Valley, Wash.)
A. You cannot screw it up – just as bananas are nature's perfect food, bowling is nature's perfect sport.
Q. The Bayern Munich and Hoffenheim soccer clubs refused to play the final 10 minutes of their match due to vulgar signs in the stands. What would it take to get you to stop writing? (Jim O'Brien; Racine, Wis.)
A. It appears you have taken a huge first step.
Q. I read that Al Michaels might get traded from "Sunday Night Football" to "Monday Night Football." Any chance you could be traded from newspaper columnist to paperboy? (James Wagner; Akron, Ohio)
A. I wouldn't pass the physical for paperboy.
Q.Spike Lee vs. James Dolan – who you rooting for? (Michael Phillips; Charleston, W.Va.)
A. I didn't take sides during the Crimean War (1853-56) and I won't take sides here.
Q. Do you think the Astros have developed a way to tip their batter off that he's about to be hit by a pitch? (Kim Hemphill; South Riding, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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Alex Bregman couldn’t hold back the smile when he was asked who might have had the biggest impact on his decision to sign with the Boston Red Sox.
“My favorite player Dustin Pedroia,” Bregman said of the club's former second baseman and two-time World Series champion.
“He reached out a few times this offseason and talked about how special it was to be a part of the Boston Red Sox,” Bregman said Sunday. “It was really cool to be able to talk to him as well as so many other former players here in Boston and current players on the team as well.”
A day after Bregman's $120 million, three-year contract was announced, he sat at a 25-minute news conference between his agent, Scott Boras, and Boston Chief Baseball Officer Craig Breslow. Manager Alex Cora, who gave Bregman a hug after he handed the infielder his No. 2 jersey, also was at the table along with team president Sam Kennedy.
Breslow and Cora wouldn't say whether Bregman would move to play second base, Pedroia's position, or remain at third — a position manned by Rafael Devers since July 2017.
A few players, Jarren Duran and Rob Refsnyder among them, and coaches stood behind the seated reporters to listen.
Bregman gets a $5 million signing bonus, a $35 million salary this season and $40 million in each of the following two years, with some of the money deferred, and he can opt out after the 2025 and 2026 seasons to become a free agent again.
Asked why he agreed to the shorter contract with opt outs, he leaned forward to the microphone in front of him and replied: “I just think I believe in my abilities.”
Originally selected by Boston in the 29th round of the 2012 amateur draft, Bregman attended LSU before the Houston Astros picked him second overall in 2015. His family history with the Red Sox goes back further.
“My dad grew up sitting on Ted Williams’ lap,” he said.
MLB.com said Stan Bregman, the player's grandfather, was a lawyer who represented the Washington Senators and negotiated Williams' deal to become manager.
Boston has missed the playoffs in five of the last six seasons and had avoided signing the highest-profile free agents. Boras said a conversation with Red Sox controlling owner John Henry showed ownership’s desire to get back to winning.
“I think it was after Soto signed,’’ Boras said, citing the record contract he negotiated for Juan Soto with the Mets. “We had a discussion. I could tell knowing John back with the Marlins and such, he had a real onus about ‘we need to do things differently than what we’ve done before.’
“This is a point and time where I believe Red Sox ownership was hungry for championship play and exhausted with what had happened the last five, six years.”
Called the “perfect fit” by Breslow, the 30-year-old Bregman joined the Red Sox after winning two World Series titles and reaching the playoffs in eight consecutive seasons with Houston.
“I’ve been fortunate enough to be in the playoffs the first eight years of my career, and I plan on continuing to do that here,” he said in his opening remarks. “I’m a winning player and this is a winning organization.”
Coming off an 81-81 season, the Red Sox acquired left-hander Garrett Crochet from the White Sox and signed fellow pitchers Walker Buehler, Patrick Sandoval, Aroldis Chapman and Justin Wilson during the offseason.
After the pitching moves, they found a right-handed bat, too.
“As the offseason progressed it just became clearer and clearer that Alex was the perfect fit for what we were trying to accomplish,” Breslow said.
Bregman ranks first among players with at least 75 career plate appearances in Fenway Park with an OPS of 1.240.
“He fits like a glove for our organization,” Kennedy said.