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In a clandestine meeting at a Doubletree by Hilton conference room in Grand Rapids, Mich., in late March 1987, Pete Rozelle, Paul Tagliabue and Roger Goodell secretly hatched a plan for worldwide, around-the-clock NFL expansion, according to multiple sources at or near the gathering who are unauthorized to speak publicly about the undertaking because they might not even know what they're talking about.
And, from all indications, this covert NFL manifesto is now in its final stages.
Here is what the NFL is considering for as early as the 2021 season, according to a report from cbssports.com's Jason La Canfora:
-- Add a 17th game to the regular season and a second bye week.
-- Additional game for each team would be played out-of-market.
-- Out-of-market games every week internationally or in U.S. cities without an NFL team.
-- Add a wild-card playoff game in each conference.
-- Move the Super Bowl to end of February.
Impressively, the NFL is considering doing all of this in the face of growing science about neurological damage to its players and growing resistance from parents to allow their kids to play football.
Then again, the NFL still retains a pervasive hold on much of the sporting public. Heck, the NFL could've sold DirecTV Sunday ticket packages to passengers on the Titanic.
Although the NFL has not added a team since the Houston Texans became its 32nd franchise in 2002, the league has continued to expand in other ways, including scheduling games as many as four days a week and playing multiple games annually in England and Mexico.
Frankly, I believe the NFL should stop its tippy-toe crawl toward global domination and rather stomp its feet en route to replicating the early-20th-century British Empire.
My NFL plan is bolder, brasher and more in line with Jerry Jones' wildest, non-Jason Garrett hopes:
-- A 32-game regular-season schedule.
-- Expand to 48 teams.
-- Back legislation to literally change the calendar to better oblige NFL scheduling needs.
Let's start with this 17th game the league is pondering. One more game? What's that? Reminds me of the U.S. Postal Service upping postage two or three cents at a time. JUST GO FOR IT; double the length of the season, for goodness sakes. More replays! More comebacks! More records! More injuries!
I mean, if they had already done this, Matthew Stafford could've made it to 100,000 passing yards by now without ever winning a playoff game.
By growing to 48 franchises, the NFL can put teams in London, Mexico City, Moscow, Hong Kong, Montreal, Pyongyang, San Antonio, Anchorage, San Diego, Kenosha, Wis., Tunica, Miss., Trinidad and Tobago, Paris (France), Paris (Texas) and Monowi, Neb.
I'd also contemplate taking the Jaguars out of Jacksonville, because nobody ever goes to Jacksonville unless they are already in Jacksonville.
To accommodate this bloated enterprise – and allow the NFL to better command the nation's TV programming – the key would be to replace the seven-day, 52-week year with a six-day, 60-week year.*
(* If you give Donald Trump a team while he is still in the White House – Eric can run it – he will back this calendar change with or without congressional approval.)
Just get rid of Tuesdays – Tuesdays are for losers – and then the NFL could broadcast games on Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays; this would leave Wednesdays for ESPN to run an all-day NFL studio bonanza blowout in which 24 of its talking heads debate Stephen A. Smith one hour at a time on various league topics.
Sure, some snowflakes likely will whine about player safety concerns over a nearly year-round season. Not a problem. Through a unique fan promotion that will ensure sellouts every week, if the last available player on the home-team roster gets hurt, one eligible season ticket holder's name will be pulled from a hat and play the rest of the game!
And with in-game betting apps on the horizon, this means you'll be able to watch, gamble on and even play in an NFL game all for the price of a ticket. Wow.
Ask The Slouch
Q.Can you explain to a 78-year-old man the rationale of a player celebrating a touchdown by impersonating a dog peeing? (Joseph Dreyer; La Porte, Tex.)
A. What, you'd prefer he impersonate a dog pooping?
Q.Do NFL players really pin their ears back? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. Not since Odell Beckham Jr. was fined by the NFL for nonstandard pins.
Q.Using your rapier-like wit, could you discuss the Washington R*dsk*ns? (William Case; Sterling, Va.)
A. They stink.
Q.Why is revenge a dish best served cold? (Bob Lipman; Spokane, Wash.)
A. Search me – I microwave everything.
Q.If Russia is banned from the 2020 Summer Olympics, do you think President Trump will pardon them? (John Oetting; Columbia, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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What a wild four day pendulum swing of results for the Astros. The season is two weeks old and they may already have on the books what turn out to be their biggest comeback and biggest blown lead all season. Not one time all last season did the Astros win a game they trailed after eight innings. 0-56. We know they can't match that futility in 2025 after Sunday's wow of a win at Minnesota after trailing 7-1 early, and 7-5 going to the ninth. If yin was that win, Wednesday's yang really stang (stung doesn't rhyme!). It's no easy feat to blow a game you lead 5-0 with two out in the eighth inning. The Astros' bullpen proved down to the challenge in Seattle. Had to make the flight home feel extra long. The Astros have played four series this season. They have won two and lost two. Their record sits below .500 because while taking two out of three from the Mets and Twins, and losing two of three to the Mariners, they got swept three by the Giants. The Astros' 5-7 mark means that over the next 14 games they can go 3-11 and still have a better record than the 7-19 mess they built through the first 26 games last season! Bet the over.
While losing Spencer Arrighetti to a fluke injury broken thumb is a bummer, Astros’ starting pitching remains a strength. Hunter Brown has been rock solid in all three of his starts. Framber Valdez has been fabulous in two of his three starts. Hayden Wesneski has flashed quality. Ronel Blanco has not thus far, but it’s two starts. Bullpen depth will remain a question but a bigger concern is Bryan Abreu blowing two save opportunities in Seattle.
The offense continues to be, well, mostly underwhelming is a nice way to put it. Jake Meyers hasn’t been the second-best hitter in the lineup because he has morphed into prime Mike Trout (more on him later). The Astros have still failed to score more than three runs in back-to-back games. That will soon change. Yordan Alvarez has jarringly feeble numbers, but think of him as a bomb soon to detonate. It’s a sluggish start and nothing more. Elite hitters have down stretches, Alvarez just happens to have had one out of the starting blocks. Last May, for the entire month Yordan hit two home runs with only four runs batted in. He began last season absolutely atrociously with runners in scoring position, going eight for his first 50 at bats (.160 batting average). The rest of the season he mashed to a .369 average in those spots. Over 162 games water finds its level.
It’s still too early to be deeply concerned about a player’s performance, but geez Yainer Diaz has been awful. Batting 61 sums it up. Not .161. .061. Two hits (both singles) in 33 at bats. Though his power disappeared for multiple long stretches last season, Diaz hit .299 for the year. At 26 years old he hasn’t lost the ability to hit.
Christian Walker also remains mostly a mess. His strike zone management has been abysmal. At least Walker finally drew his first two walks of the season Wednesday. That goes with his .146 average and 18 strikeouts in 48 at bats. Remember, Walker missed a chunk of spring training with an oblique issue. That’s not a full alibi, but perhaps somewhat explicative of his scuffles. In seven of 12 games played, Walker has struck out at least twice. He’s a slugger who is going to whiff, averaging over 130 strikeouts the last three seasons.
Angels in the outfield
The Astros get the Angels this weekend at Daikin Park. They will not face Yusei Kikuchi on the mound, with the briefly stellar ‘Stro having pitched Wednesday for his new team. If Kikuchi turns out to be a complete bust with the Angels over his three-year 63 million dollar contract, he won’t come close to being the worst free agent signing in Halos’ history.
If you think the Astros have gotten a paltry return on Lance McCullers’s contract, of course you’re right. But Lance’s five-year 85 million dollar deal pales in disaster comparison to the Angels’ ill-fated marriage with Anthony Rendon. You will not see the Rice-ex this weekend, or perhaps ever again on a big league field. Rendon has this season and next left on the seven-year 245 million dollar contract he signed with the Angels fresh off a monster 2019 season in which he finished third in National League Most Valuable Player Award voting and helped the Washington Nationals beat the Astros in the World Series. In the short-COVID 2020 season, Rendon stayed healthy and played very well. He ended 2020 with a career batting average of .290 and an .862 OPS, for perspective those numbers are both better than Alex Bregman’s. Over the four full seasons since, Rendon has hit .231 with a .666 OPS, while never playing more than 58 games in a season. That pathetic OPS number is fitting since Angels’ fans have come to think of Rendon as somewhat the Devil. He has a total of 13 home runs post-2020. Injuries ruined the back half of what had the potential to be a Hall of Fame career. But what really put Rendon in the crosshairs with Angels’ fans, his laissez-faire attitude toward the game, seemingly at times almost brandishing his lack of passion for it.
Then there’s Trout. He’s simply one of the greatest players of all-time. Mickey Mantle was at most slightly better than Mike Trout. Willie Mays is the greatest all-around player ever but offensively he was not as good as Mike Trout. Injuries have ravaged Trout over the last four seasons and at 34 he’s no longer in the league of what he once was. The Angels are paying Trout more than 37 million dollars this season, and each of the next five seasons. He’ll be 39 when the deal expires.
For Astro-centric conversation, join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!
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