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In a clandestine meeting at a Doubletree by Hilton conference room in Grand Rapids, Mich., in late March 1987, Pete Rozelle, Paul Tagliabue and Roger Goodell secretly hatched a plan for worldwide, around-the-clock NFL expansion, according to multiple sources at or near the gathering who are unauthorized to speak publicly about the undertaking because they might not even know what they're talking about.
And, from all indications, this covert NFL manifesto is now in its final stages.
Here is what the NFL is considering for as early as the 2021 season, according to a report from cbssports.com's Jason La Canfora:
-- Add a 17th game to the regular season and a second bye week.
-- Additional game for each team would be played out-of-market.
-- Out-of-market games every week internationally or in U.S. cities without an NFL team.
-- Add a wild-card playoff game in each conference.
-- Move the Super Bowl to end of February.
Impressively, the NFL is considering doing all of this in the face of growing science about neurological damage to its players and growing resistance from parents to allow their kids to play football.
Then again, the NFL still retains a pervasive hold on much of the sporting public. Heck, the NFL could've sold DirecTV Sunday ticket packages to passengers on the Titanic.
Although the NFL has not added a team since the Houston Texans became its 32nd franchise in 2002, the league has continued to expand in other ways, including scheduling games as many as four days a week and playing multiple games annually in England and Mexico.
Frankly, I believe the NFL should stop its tippy-toe crawl toward global domination and rather stomp its feet en route to replicating the early-20th-century British Empire.
My NFL plan is bolder, brasher and more in line with Jerry Jones' wildest, non-Jason Garrett hopes:
-- A 32-game regular-season schedule.
-- Expand to 48 teams.
-- Back legislation to literally change the calendar to better oblige NFL scheduling needs.
Let's start with this 17th game the league is pondering. One more game? What's that? Reminds me of the U.S. Postal Service upping postage two or three cents at a time. JUST GO FOR IT; double the length of the season, for goodness sakes. More replays! More comebacks! More records! More injuries!
I mean, if they had already done this, Matthew Stafford could've made it to 100,000 passing yards by now without ever winning a playoff game.
By growing to 48 franchises, the NFL can put teams in London, Mexico City, Moscow, Hong Kong, Montreal, Pyongyang, San Antonio, Anchorage, San Diego, Kenosha, Wis., Tunica, Miss., Trinidad and Tobago, Paris (France), Paris (Texas) and Monowi, Neb.
I'd also contemplate taking the Jaguars out of Jacksonville, because nobody ever goes to Jacksonville unless they are already in Jacksonville.
To accommodate this bloated enterprise – and allow the NFL to better command the nation's TV programming – the key would be to replace the seven-day, 52-week year with a six-day, 60-week year.*
(* If you give Donald Trump a team while he is still in the White House – Eric can run it – he will back this calendar change with or without congressional approval.)
Just get rid of Tuesdays – Tuesdays are for losers – and then the NFL could broadcast games on Sundays, Mondays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays; this would leave Wednesdays for ESPN to run an all-day NFL studio bonanza blowout in which 24 of its talking heads debate Stephen A. Smith one hour at a time on various league topics.
Sure, some snowflakes likely will whine about player safety concerns over a nearly year-round season. Not a problem. Through a unique fan promotion that will ensure sellouts every week, if the last available player on the home-team roster gets hurt, one eligible season ticket holder's name will be pulled from a hat and play the rest of the game!
And with in-game betting apps on the horizon, this means you'll be able to watch, gamble on and even play in an NFL game all for the price of a ticket. Wow.
Ask The Slouch
Q.Can you explain to a 78-year-old man the rationale of a player celebrating a touchdown by impersonating a dog peeing? (Joseph Dreyer; La Porte, Tex.)
A. What, you'd prefer he impersonate a dog pooping?
Q.Do NFL players really pin their ears back? (Mark Cohen; Gibsonia, Pa.)
A. Not since Odell Beckham Jr. was fined by the NFL for nonstandard pins.
Q.Using your rapier-like wit, could you discuss the Washington R*dsk*ns? (William Case; Sterling, Va.)
A. They stink.
Q.Why is revenge a dish best served cold? (Bob Lipman; Spokane, Wash.)
A. Search me – I microwave everything.
Q.If Russia is banned from the 2020 Summer Olympics, do you think President Trump will pardon them? (John Oetting; Columbia, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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Mississippi State (1-3, 0-1 SEC) at No. 1 Texas (4-0, 0-0), Saturday, 4:15 pm ET (SEC Network)
BetMGM College Football Odds: Texas by 38 1/2.
Series record: 2-2.
WHAT'S AT STAKE?
Texas makes its long-awaited SEC debut against a Bulldogs team that is beaten up and struggling under first-year coach Jeff Lebby. The Longhorns will be looking to make a statement worthy of No. 1 in its first SEC game. Coach Steve Sarkisian must decide if injured quarterback Quinn Ewers is healthy enough to play or start Arch Manning for a second consecutive game.
KEY MATCHUP
Mississippi State's defensive line vs Texas running back Jaydon Blue. The Bulldogs surrendered a whopping 262 yards rushing to Arizona State's Cam Skattebo, and 226 yards last week against Florida. Blue had a career game for Texas against Louisiana-Monroe last week with 124 yards rushing four total touchdowns.
PLAYERS TO WATCH
Mississippi State: Freshman quarterback Michael Van Buren will start in front of a road crowd of more than 100,000 against a Texas defense that has given up just two touchdowns and 22 total points this season. Van Buren is 7-of-13 passing for 100 yards with no touchdowns or interceptions in two appearances. Regular starter Blake Shapen was lost for the season with a shoulder injury.
Texas: Linebackers Anthony Hill Jr. and Liona Lefau have become the Longhorns' all-around playmakers on defense Hill is Texas' leading tackler and has two sacks and an interception. Lefau also has two sacks and recorded a safety last week. Look for Texas to unleash both as blitz pass rushers on Van Buren.
FACTS & FIGURES
Texas ranks No. 1 nationally in scoring defense and No. 5 in overall defense ... The Longhorns have seven interceptions this season, best in the SEC ... Mississippi State has scored in 48 consecutive games dating to Oct. 21, 2020.