HOLLY SEYMOUR

An off-the-wall recap of Sunday's NFL action

Tom Brady can only be stopped by passing out and missing the game. Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images

It’s time for our Week 9 Recap. With the season half way over, this week wasn’t anything special. In fact, the noon games were the least intriguing that they have been all year. 

Niners vs Raiders

Raise your hand if you’ve ever watched film on someone named Nick Mullens. All right then. *sigh* 

Just when we thought the Steelers locker room was a reality TV disaster... Gruden with the “hold my beer” challenge accepted. 

Panthers vs Bucs 

Well. I see Fitzmagic left his pixie dust at home. You’re garbage Tampa, it’s a wrap. 

Dolphins vs Jets 

Wow. Just wow. This combined score was barely over two touchdowns. I’ve seen peewee football games put up more points. 

Bears vs Bills 

We’re just going to pull the plug on the Bills for the remainder of the season. Thank you for your dedication with the dildos and showing up to the practice facility... or did you? Either way, you’re no longer needed. 

Sincerely, the NFL

Lions vs Vikings 

Was I that drunk or did the Lions really fake miss a pass to themselves and let the Vikes run it into the endzone? *Smh* Boy I tell ya. 

Texans vs Broncos

What I really want to say: Denver’s coach gave Houston that win. 

*scrolls down easiest schedule*

What I’m told to say: Congrats Houston. On your sixth totally awesome win. The football world is yours! 

Saints vs Rams

Finally! A football game. Someone wise once said, “If there’s two teams that can take down the Rams, it’s the Saints and the Eagles.” Name a better matchup than these two teams. I’ll wait. This game did exactly what I told you it would, come down to which QB you have more faith in. One time for the GOAT, Mr. Brees himself. 

Packers vs Patriots 

I waited all week to see this game. I also fell asleep before half time. I expected more guys... 

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The newest member of the Houston Astros, José Abreu met with the media Tuesday and was asked about his dropoff in home runs last season with the White Sox. Abreu's home run numbers dropped from 30 to 15 over the past two seasons.

At Tuesday's press conference, Abreu said expecting 30 homers every year might be a little optimistic, but playing at Minute Maid could be an easy fix to boosting his numbers this season.

Plus, The Killer B's do a deep dive into his stats and find some reasonable answers to why he had a down tick in home runs last season.

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