HOLLY SEYMOUR

An off-the-wall recap of Sunday's NFL action

Tom Brady can only be stopped by passing out and missing the game. Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images

It’s time for our Week 9 Recap. With the season half way over, this week wasn’t anything special. In fact, the noon games were the least intriguing that they have been all year. 

Niners vs Raiders

Raise your hand if you’ve ever watched film on someone named Nick Mullens. All right then. *sigh* 

Just when we thought the Steelers locker room was a reality TV disaster... Gruden with the “hold my beer” challenge accepted. 

Panthers vs Bucs 

Well. I see Fitzmagic left his pixie dust at home. You’re garbage Tampa, it’s a wrap. 

Dolphins vs Jets 

Wow. Just wow. This combined score was barely over two touchdowns. I’ve seen peewee football games put up more points. 

Bears vs Bills 

We’re just going to pull the plug on the Bills for the remainder of the season. Thank you for your dedication with the dildos and showing up to the practice facility... or did you? Either way, you’re no longer needed. 

Sincerely, the NFL

Lions vs Vikings 

Was I that drunk or did the Lions really fake miss a pass to themselves and let the Vikes run it into the endzone? *Smh* Boy I tell ya. 

Texans vs Broncos

What I really want to say: Denver’s coach gave Houston that win. 

*scrolls down easiest schedule*

What I’m told to say: Congrats Houston. On your sixth totally awesome win. The football world is yours! 

Saints vs Rams

Finally! A football game. Someone wise once said, “If there’s two teams that can take down the Rams, it’s the Saints and the Eagles.” Name a better matchup than these two teams. I’ll wait. This game did exactly what I told you it would, come down to which QB you have more faith in. One time for the GOAT, Mr. Brees himself. 

Packers vs Patriots 

I waited all week to see this game. I also fell asleep before half time. I expected more guys... 

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Houston gets the lopsided win

Valdez, Astros dominate the Angels in 10-0 rout in Anaheim

Framber Valdez was dominant against the Angels on Monday night. Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

With a series win at home over the weekend, the Astros started their final regular-season road trip on Monday, squaring off against the Angels in Anaheim. They held the momentum firmly in their favor all night, dominating both sides of the game to start the series with a victory.

Final Score: Astros 10, Angels 0

Astros' Record: 89-61, first in the AL West

Winning Pitcher: Framber Valdez (11-5)

Losing Pitcher: Jaime Barria (2-4)

Siri leads off with a bang

With Jose Altuve being given the night off, Houston gave Jose Siri a shot at the leadoff spot, and he delivered to start the opener in Anaheim. He launched a missile to left field, 426 feet, to put the Astros in front 1-0 before the Angels could record an out. Later that same inning, they strung together three singles, the third being an RBI by Carlos Correa to double the lead.

Valdez goes seven shutout innings

That gave Framber Valdez a lead to work with as he stepped on the rubber in the bottom of the inning, and he didn't give it up as he would post a dominant start. He started with a 1-2-3 first, worked around a couple of singles in the second, then used a double play to face the minimum in the third.

He retired Los Angeles in order again in the fourth, stranded a two-out single in the fifth and a single and a walk in the sixth. He had his worst inning of the night in the seventh, giving up a leadoff single then loading the bases on back-to-back two-out walks. He'd escape the jam, though, keeping the shutout alive and finalizing his impressive line: 7.0 IP, 6 H, 0 ER, 3 BB, 6 K, 98 P.

Astros take the opener in lopsided fashion

Houston tacked on an insurance run in the top of the eighth, getting a one-out double by Correa to set up an RBI single by Marwin Gonzalez, pushing the lead to 3-0. Things escalated from there, as another single put two on base for Martin Maldonado, who blew the game open with a three-run homer to make it a six-run lead.

Brooks Raley took over for Valdez in the bottom of the inning, and with a 1-2-3 inning, made it his eighth appearance in a row without allowing a run. The Astros didn't let up in the top of the ninth, getting two hits and a walk to load the bases before a grand slam by Gonzalez made it 10-0 and gave him 5 RBI in a two-inning span. Seth Martinez, called up by the Astros earlier in the day, made his big-league debut in the bottom of the ninth and closed out the lopsided win to put Houston's magic number at 6.

Up Next: The second of this four-game set will be another 8:38 PM Central start on Tuesday. Jose Urquidy (7-3, 3.38 ERA) will take the mound for the Astros, going opposite Packy Naughton (0-2, 4.32 ERA) for the Angels.

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