The Immediate Pain

The first thing I did was pray for his wife Vanessa and their three daughters. I got a text asking me to write something for the website on Kobe's death from Fred and jumped on it. While finding the words to write, I saw that his daughter Gianna and seven others were on the helicopter as well. I literally broke into tears. Gianna was 13 years old. My daughter is the same age. We also have a tight bond over common interests, mainly food/cooking and sports. I couldn't imagine the pain those families were going through. Then I thought about it. I've been here before when my little brother was murdered and my younger cousin died in a motorcycle accident. All that pain of suddenly losing someone so integral to the fabric of your life. I broke down again.

Trying To Understand

After I posted the article, I noticed my kids had found out. They were sad. They weren't distraught, but I could tell it dampered their spirits. We were all trying to understand how? Why? Was this even real? It was very real, and it hurt. I kept looking at my daughter thinking what if? What if that was her and I when we were on the road to go to WrestleMania? What if that was us driving to the store? What if we suddenly passed away in a tragic accident doing something we loved so much? I had to stop. So I started vacuuming the house and cooking. I was going to drive myself crazy.

Reality Sinks In

The Grammy's were on, so was WWE's Royal Rumble. My daughter loves awards shows and pro wrestling. We often will watch both when a pay per view is on at the same time. My two tv setup in my man cave is as much for my ADD as it is for bonding with my kids and not losing sight of any games that may be on. Sitting with her as she talks about the outfits and performances of the Grammy's, as well as the matches at the Rumble was humbling. I thought about Kobe trying to comfort his daughter in those final moments. I also thought about his three daughters and his wife who'll never have the moments I was having. The fact that my son would ask his sister who's performing and who's winning the matches knowing Gianna would never have those moments with her sisters hurt. Knowing those other families would never spend another lazy Sunday after noon with their loved one hurt more.

Coming To Grips

I think the pain everyone is experiencing comes from the kind of person Kobe had become. We saw him as a brash phenom that grew into an NBA superstar who fell from grace but managed to repair his image and retire a beloved hero. There were generations of fans who were deeply hurt by his passing. My mom called to see what I was thinking. She told my my grandfather was in disbelief. My kids were doing okay, but were clearly hurt. My cousin Eric couldn't concentrate while he was at work. My sister in law Taylor was shaken up. My good friend Dedrick was as shocked and shaken up as I was. I'm talking about people aged from their 80's to their teens were all hurt on some level. It was like we lost a family member because we got to know so much about Kobebeing that he came along in the age of the internet and grew to stardom at the advent of social media.

We all process gthings differently. I tend to deal with grief in my own way. This time was different. I needed to write this to get some things out and help myself and others process things. It still hurts. I fight back tears looking at the tributes, videos, pics, and memorials. Whiel Kobe and Gianna were public figures, let's not forget the others who lost their lives. There are multiple families grieving over this tragedy. I hurt for them too because I know what it's like to wake up one day and know that loved one was suddenly taken away never to come back. It's been over 20 years for me and I still can't sleep. Still have bouts of simply not feeling up to putting in any effort towards anything productive. Still fight random fits of anger and anti-social feelings. What keeps me going? Knowing they would want us to keep living. Kobe would always talk about the effort it took to succeed. I think he'd want us to kick each day's ass. My little brother Chris and my younger cousin Vincent were both taken from us way too soon. They both lived life to the fullest everyday. I'm sure they'd agree with Kobe's thought process of doing whatever it takes to make your dreams come true and live life. Give your loved ones their flowers while you can because you may not get that opportunity again. Rest in peace Kobe. Tell Chris and Vincent I love them.