The Couch Slouch
Social distancing with online gambling? It's the end of the world as we know it
Apr 20, 2020, 6:54 am
Getty Images
I lost my regular poker game at Hollywood Park Casino in Los Angeles when the world shut down. Degenerates gotta degenerate, though, so most of us now find ourselves on the World Wide Web to get our gamble on.
Thus, I am playing online poker for the first time – not loving it, but I'll get back to that – on an unregulated site while breaking the law by participating from the state of California.
That's right, it's illegal, which doesn't much bother me considering what the big banks have been doing to us for years. Oh, their conduct might be legal, thanks to their feckless friends in big government, but it ain't right. Plus you and I can't run a numbers game but state governments can, so, good people….
DON'T GET ME STARTED.
Anyway, watching cards fly through the virtual air reminded me of a conversation I had with my Brooklyn pal William, at the dawn of Internet gaming, when he told me he was playing online blackjack.
Me: Online blackjack? Why? Why? Why?
William: I like blackjack.
Me: Are you winning?
William: No.
Me: Do you expect to win?
William: I don't know.
Me: Where do you think the cards are coming from?
William: The Internet dealer, I guess.
Me: William, if you and I decided to start a blackjack site, would we create a software program that would allow the players to beat us in the long run?
William: I don't know.
Me: Think about it: Why would we develop a gambling enterprise online that is set up so we don't make money?
William: I guess most folks wouldn't do that.
Me: So why do you keep playing online against the house? You can't even see the house.
William: I like blackjack and I don't have to go nowhere. I hate driving to Atlantic City.
Me: Then take the bus.
Yet now – like William – I am at home, gambling. We still don't know where the cards are coming from – maybe Al Gore shuffles them – and there is little joy sitting on my couch in my bathrobe, clicking call, raise or fold buttons. It feels lonely and sterile.
My only pleasure is the "chat box," at the bottom of the screen, where I can text playful messages to the others. But sometimes they tell me to cease; apparently, my voice bothers them even when they cannot hear it.
The game also goes much faster than live poker. You can play multiple games on multiple screens, the main reason that online young'uns hate coming into a card room and suffering through the slow pace of play. And they've had to do that increasingly since online poker effectively was banned in the United States nine years ago.
This, of course, is ridiculous – online poker should be legalized. But I still fear for the fate of civilization if we retreat inward for all of our needs and recreation: groceries delivered, restaurant takeout, teleworking via Zoom, online gambling, Amazon shipments, Netflix and HBO 'round the clock.
Poker, for one, should be social. We should get out, mingling for hours and smelling the flowers.
What quarantining and locking down tells us more than ever is: We need human contact to maintain the human race.
Last I checked, you still cannot procreate online; we will cease as living beings unless someone is having a roll in the hay somewhere.
Heck, dinosaurs probably went extinct 65 million years ago because they stopped fraternizing – and wandering the Yucatán Peninsula – after radio was invented. Come to think of it, transistor radios might've saved them.
Ask The Slouch
Q.Could Joe Burrow legally change his name right before the Cincinnati Bengals select him with the first NFL draft pick and then be eligible for other teams to select him under his pseudonym? (Bill Rote; Springfield, Va.)
A. I believe your fantastical suggestion might have a practical application in other walks of life, such as nuptials.
Q. If the PGA decides to broadcast tournaments with no fans on site, will current technology allow us to hear drunk guys from home screaming "get in the hole!" whenever Tiger or Phil attempts a long putt? (Mike Soper; Washington, D.C.)
A. Actually, I'd prefer if they played the tournaments without broadcasting them, but that's just me.
Q.Is it okay if I say hi to Shirley? Hi Shirley! (Beverly Gibb; Spokane, Wash.)
A. I hope this is not some cheap, desperate ploy to score the buck-and-a-quarter, because Shirley has feelings and should not be used as a prop to prize winnings.
Q. Does Shirley sign your $1.25 checks, or do you insist that your name is on them? (Rick Slavkin; Columbia, Md.)
A. WE PAY IN CASH. Geez.
Q.Now that the NFL is studying games without fans, are they in close consultation with Daniel Snyder so they can excel at it? (Pete Eltringham; Warrenton, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
To enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway, just email asktheslouch@aol.com. The Couch Slouch podcast is available on your favorite podcasting app.
Most Popular
SportsMap Emails
Are Awesome
Listen Live
Rockets stumble as Grizzlies snatch victory in controversial finish
Jan 31, 2025, 12:11 pm
Thursday night's one point loss at Memphis aside, what a run the Houston Rockets have been enjoying. Within a two week stretch the Rockets beat the last two NBA Champions (winning on the road in Denver and Boston), and twice beat the Cleveland Cavaliers who have the best record in the league this season and against all other teams are 39-7. Yes, the Nuggets were without Nikola Jokic in their loss to the Rockets but don’t nitpick. Entering February with a 32-15 record exceeds even optimistic preseason hopes. The preseason betting line for the Rockets' season win total was 43, give or take a game. They are on pace to win 55.
In the 2022-23 season the Rockets completed a three-year run as an on-court laughingstock with a 22-60 record. That tied for the second worst record in the NBA, following seasons of 20-62 and 17-55 which each were the worst record in the league. It was an embarrassing stretch for a proud franchise. The Rockets had just three losing seasons total in the 36 seasons prior to their recent three years in the toilet. Following the ‘22-’23 slog, the Rockets’ cross their fingers really hard hope was to win the draft lottery where the unquestioned grand prize was Victor Wembanyama. Alas, the Rockets drew only the fourth pick on lottery night. “Wemby” hasn’t disappointed the San Antonio Spurs at all, and in this his second season he stands a strong chance of winning the Defensive Player of the Year Award.Prevailing sentiment had point guard “Scoot” Henderson as the second-best prospect in the ‘23 draft. The Charlotte Hornets took forward Brandon Miller at number two because they already had LaMelo Ball at point guard. The Portland Trail Blazers then took Henderson at three. Would the Rockets have taken him at number two or three? We don’t know with certainty. Other than for laughs they have no reason to admit they'd have selected "Scoot," any more than Nick Caserio would have to admit the Texans’ would have drafted Bryce Young over C.J. Stroud if they had picked first not second in the 2023 NFL draft. What we do know is the Rockets picked Amen Thompson fourth. Amen to that.
Thompson individually best mirrors the Rockets’ rapid rise from mediocre last season (41-41) to legitimate contender. Thompson was the fourth pick in his draft class, after the Rockets took Jabari Smith third the year before, with Jalen Green the second overall pick the year before that. It was Smith’s broken hand in early January that spurred head coach Ime Udoka to insert Thompson into the starting lineup. I’m guessing neither Thompson nor Smith know the story of Wally Pipp (or perhaps Lou Gehrig either), but how can Udoka put Smith back in the starting lineup? The race is on for which in hindsight will be general manager Rafael Stone’s greater move, taking Thompson at four or swinging the post-draft trade that netted 2021 number 16 selection Alperen Sengun. Sengun Thursday night was named an All-Star game reserve for the first time. One can envision Thompson joining Sengun on an All-Star squad as soon as next season. Credit to Jalen Green for some improvement this season, but the idea that he has made a huge leap and should have made the All-Star game is silly. Green has stretches where hot shooting combines with his explosiveness to make him look like a star, but that is not his body of work. Green’s shooting percentages remain below average from the floor overall and from behind the three-point line.
The Rockets are second in the Western Conference while getting essentially nothing from the third pick in last June’s draft, guard Reed Sheppard. He’s just 20 years old and there is no reason for a pure shooter to lose that skill before he can legally buy a beer, so bust talk is way premature. But Sheppard looked like a poor man’s Bryce Drew (that’s not a compliment) in his early season opportunities, overmatched physically with the game way too fast for him.
When you draft in the top four for four consecutive years, you’re supposed to assemble some stout talent. In consecutive drafts the Seattle Supersonics/Oklahoma City Thunder picked Kevin Durant (at number two), Russell Westbrook (at number four), and James Harden (at number three). Success is no given however even with a raft of high lottery picks. The Minnesota Timberwolves in successive drafts selected third, fifth and sixth the same year, fourth, and second. Their “haul” was O.J. Mayo, Ricky Rubio/Jonny Flynn, Wesley Johnson, and Derrick Williams. Yikes.
The current iteration of the Thunder is obviously the best team in the Western Conference, but until OKC breaks through and wins a conference title, it’s not unreasonable to think OKC can be had in a best-of-seven. That the Rockets make the list of teams who wouldn’t require a miracle to topple the Thunder is a phenomenal development.
Still counting down to the start of spring training, but we have taken no offseason from discussing the Astros. Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and me for a New Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday, with an additional episode now on Thursday. Click here to catch!
*Looking to get the word out about your business, products, or services? Consider advertising on SportsMap! It's a great way to get in front of Houston sports fans. Click the link below for more information!