The Couch Slouch

Tale of the tape: Tom Brady vs. the Slouch

Tom Brady
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I often daydream about Tom Brady.

Yes, I am obsessed with TB12. Why wouldn't I be? Who am I going to obsess over during this pandemic, Jay Cutler?

So The Greatest Quarterback Who Ever Lived finishes his unparalleled two decades as a New England Patriot and now decides to spend his next two NFL decades as a Tampa Bay Buccaneer. He's in Tampa for, oh, 15 minutes, and already…

-- While working out in a park, he gets ejected because he is violating its coronavirus closure, but he receives an apology from Mayor Jane Castor.

-- He tries to visit Buccaneers offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich's house and mistakenly walks into his next-door neighbor's home, then an NFL probe determines Brady did not violate the league's offseason work rules.

-- An auction to benefit coronavirus food needs nets a $800,000 bid for four tickets to Brady's first Buccaneers home game, his jersey and cleats from that game and dinner with Titanic Tom.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nothing bad ever happens to this guy. The sun shines on him nearly 24-7, and even when it rains, he walks between the drops.

What a 21st century for this guy – the tuck rule leads to his first Super Bowl title; he impregnates his girlfriend, a model, then before the birth of their first child, moves on to a supermodel; he has a season-ending knee injury in 2008, but hasn't been touched on or off the field since; he overcomes both Spygate and Deflategate for six championships total.

Meanwhile…

In one of the freakish oddities of my checkered life, Brady and I shared the same agent for 17 years – I am not making this up – and in that period of time, TB12 earned about $225 million in NFL contracts and I earned less than $50,000 in deals our rep brought to me. Essentially, we are a latter-day Henry and Tommie Aaron: together, the brothers combined for 768 home runs; together, TB12 and I combined for almost $225.1 million in salary.

(Column Intermission: Speaking of Jay Cutler, the longtime Chicago Bears quarterback and Kristin Cavallari are getting a divorce. I guess she finally looked at his NFL stats.)

The fact of the matter is, in just about every walk of life, Brady outdistances Couch Slouch.

He played football, basketball and football in high school. I played ping pong, pinball and hooky.

He graduated from Michigan with a general studies degree. I graduated from Maryland with an American studies degree. America is a big subject, but "general" is even bigger, no?

He was lightly regarded in his field coming out of college as a sixth-round pick. I have been lightly regarded in my field till this very day.

He has won three NFL most valuable player awards. I took first place in the 2005 U.S. Bowler Writing Competition in the "editorial" category.

He's played himself in "The Simpsons," "Family Guy" and "Entourage." I played myself in the 2005 ESPN drama "Tilt." Note: 2005 was a BIG year for me.

He advocates drinking 1/32nd of one's body weight in water each day. I buy Orange Crush by the keg.

He is friends with President Trump. I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000.

He favors Transcendental Meditation. I close my eyes when "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" comes on.

He launched his own line of vegan snacks. I eat Fritos and Bugles.

He is quarantining in Derek Jeter's 30,000-square-foot home that he's renting. I am quarantining in my 1,300-square-foot home that my bank owns.

He has had endorsement deals with Aston Martin, Beautyrest, Cadillac, Foot Locker, Glaceau Smartwater, IWC watches, Nike, Sam Adams, Tag Heuer watches, Ugg footwear, Under Armour, Upper Deck, Visa and Wheaties. I give unpaid plugs to Yuengling in this column.

His book, "The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance," reached No. 1 on the New York Times' best-seller list. My book, "Hold On, Honey, I'll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime," can occasionally be found at yard sales.

On the other hand, he's only been married once. I got him there.

Ask The Slouch

Q.Now that POTUS has suggested injections of disinfectant and UV rays, is Barry Bonds on his way to Cooperstown? (Malcolm Wilson; Kensington, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q.How many episodes of "The Last Dance" do we have to wade through before they get to Ickey Woods? (Steve McClemons; Arlington, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Under the NCAA's student-athlete rule changes, can I buy my seats directly from a player and avoid the middleman mark-up? (Steve Smith; Potomac, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Wait, wasn't the NFL's pass interference replay review supposed to take care of "contact tracing"? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. Would it be worth $1.25 if I nominated you for the Noble Prize in poker? (Jeff Gold; Columbia, Md.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

Q. The Orioles are having a better year, don't you think? (Steve Owings; Spokane, Wash.)

A. Pay the man, Shirley.

You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!


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The Brewers beat the Astros, 4-3. Photo by Alika Jenner/Getty Images.

Jake Bauers hit a two-run homer as the Milwaukee Brewers got all their runs in the first inning of a 4-3 victory over the Houston Astros on Tuesday.

The Brewers produced that big first-inning outburst against Hayden Wesneski, who hadn’t allowed more than three runs in any of his previous five starts this season.

Rhys Hoskins opened the scoring with a two-out, two-run double off the center-field wall. Bauers followed that up by clearing that center-field wall as he connected on a 1-2 pitch and delivered a 416-foot drive.

Wesneski (1-3) didn’t allow any more runs but only lasted four innings. He struck out three while allowing five hits and two walks.

Milwaukee’s Chad Patrick (2-3) worked a career-high 6 2/3 innings and carried a one-hit shutout into the seventh before the Astros got to him.

After Yainer Diaz and Jake Meyers hit consecutive one-out singles, Brendan Rodgers hit a three-run homer with two outs to cut Milwaukee’s lead to 4-3. Rodgers’ drive to right field was his first homer of the season.

The Astros had runners on first and second with two outs in the eighth, but Nick Mears came out of the bullpen and got Diaz to hit an inning-ending grounder to shortstop Joey Ortiz. Mears had gotten the Brewers out of a two-on, one-out jam in a 5-1 victory over the Astros a night earlier.

Trevor Megill retired the side in order in the ninth for his fourth save in five opportunities. Meyers led off the inning with a deep fly that Jackson Chourio caught at the center-field warning track.

Key moment

Houston trailed 4-3 with one out in the eighth when Brewers catcher William Contreras threw out Jose Altuve, who was attempting to advance to second on a pitch in the dirt. Isaac Paredes walked and Christian Walker singled immediately after that second out, but the Astros couldn't capitalize.

Key stat

Patrick, a 26-year-old rookie, hasn't allowed more than three runs in any of his seven starts.

Up next

Left-hander Framber Valdez (1-4, 4.39 ERA) pitches for Houston and right-hander Quinn Priester (1-0, 5.79) starts for Milwaukee as the Brewers attempt to complete the sweep Wednesday afternoon.

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