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I often daydream about Tom Brady.
Yes, I am obsessed with TB12. Why wouldn't I be? Who am I going to obsess over during this pandemic, Jay Cutler?
So The Greatest Quarterback Who Ever Lived finishes his unparalleled two decades as a New England Patriot and now decides to spend his next two NFL decades as a Tampa Bay Buccaneer. He's in Tampa for, oh, 15 minutes, and already…
-- While working out in a park, he gets ejected because he is violating its coronavirus closure, but he receives an apology from Mayor Jane Castor.
-- He tries to visit Buccaneers offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich's house and mistakenly walks into his next-door neighbor's home, then an NFL probe determines Brady did not violate the league's offseason work rules.
-- An auction to benefit coronavirus food needs nets a $800,000 bid for four tickets to Brady's first Buccaneers home game, his jersey and cleats from that game and dinner with Titanic Tom.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nothing bad ever happens to this guy. The sun shines on him nearly 24-7, and even when it rains, he walks between the drops.
What a 21st century for this guy – the tuck rule leads to his first Super Bowl title; he impregnates his girlfriend, a model, then before the birth of their first child, moves on to a supermodel; he has a season-ending knee injury in 2008, but hasn't been touched on or off the field since; he overcomes both Spygate and Deflategate for six championships total.
Meanwhile…
In one of the freakish oddities of my checkered life, Brady and I shared the same agent for 17 years – I am not making this up – and in that period of time, TB12 earned about $225 million in NFL contracts and I earned less than $50,000 in deals our rep brought to me. Essentially, we are a latter-day Henry and Tommie Aaron: together, the brothers combined for 768 home runs; together, TB12 and I combined for almost $225.1 million in salary.
(Column Intermission: Speaking of Jay Cutler, the longtime Chicago Bears quarterback and Kristin Cavallari are getting a divorce. I guess she finally looked at his NFL stats.)
The fact of the matter is, in just about every walk of life, Brady outdistances Couch Slouch.
He played football, basketball and football in high school. I played ping pong, pinball and hooky.
He graduated from Michigan with a general studies degree. I graduated from Maryland with an American studies degree. America is a big subject, but "general" is even bigger, no?
He was lightly regarded in his field coming out of college as a sixth-round pick. I have been lightly regarded in my field till this very day.
He has won three NFL most valuable player awards. I took first place in the 2005 U.S. Bowler Writing Competition in the "editorial" category.
He's played himself in "The Simpsons," "Family Guy" and "Entourage." I played myself in the 2005 ESPN drama "Tilt." Note: 2005 was a BIG year for me.
He advocates drinking 1/32nd of one's body weight in water each day. I buy Orange Crush by the keg.
He is friends with President Trump. I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000.
He favors Transcendental Meditation. I close my eyes when "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" comes on.
He launched his own line of vegan snacks. I eat Fritos and Bugles.
He is quarantining in Derek Jeter's 30,000-square-foot home that he's renting. I am quarantining in my 1,300-square-foot home that my bank owns.
He has had endorsement deals with Aston Martin, Beautyrest, Cadillac, Foot Locker, Glaceau Smartwater, IWC watches, Nike, Sam Adams, Tag Heuer watches, Ugg footwear, Under Armour, Upper Deck, Visa and Wheaties. I give unpaid plugs to Yuengling in this column.
His book, "The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance," reached No. 1 on the New York Times' best-seller list. My book, "Hold On, Honey, I'll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime," can occasionally be found at yard sales.
On the other hand, he's only been married once. I got him there.
Ask The Slouch
Q.Now that POTUS has suggested injections of disinfectant and UV rays, is Barry Bonds on his way to Cooperstown? (Malcolm Wilson; Kensington, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q.How many episodes of "The Last Dance" do we have to wade through before they get to Ickey Woods? (Steve McClemons; Arlington, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Under the NCAA's student-athlete rule changes, can I buy my seats directly from a player and avoid the middleman mark-up? (Steve Smith; Potomac, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Wait, wasn't the NFL's pass interference replay review supposed to take care of "contact tracing"? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Would it be worth $1.25 if I nominated you for the Noble Prize in poker? (Jeff Gold; Columbia, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. The Orioles are having a better year, don't you think? (Steve Owings; Spokane, Wash.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
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There was a conversation Cleveland guard Donovan Mitchell had during training camp, the topic being all the teams that were generating the most preseason buzz in the Eastern Conference. Boston was coming off an NBA championship. New York got Karl-Anthony Towns. Philadelphia added Paul George.
The Cavs? Not a big topic in early October. And Mitchell fully understood why.
“What have we done?” Mitchell asked. “They don't talk about us. That's fine. We'll just hold ourselves to our standard.”
That approach seems to be working.
For the first time in 36 seasons — yes, even before the LeBron James eras in Cleveland — the Cavaliers are atop the NBA at the 25-game mark. They're 21-4, having come back to earth a bit following a 15-0 start but still better than anyone in the league at this point.
“We've kept our standards pretty high,” Cavaliers coach Kenny Atkinson said. “And we keep it going.”
The Cavs are just one of the surprise stories that have emerged as the season nears the one-third-done mark. Orlando — the only team still unbeaten at home — is off to its best start in 16 years at 17-9 and having done most of that without All-Star forward Paolo Banchero. And Houston is 16-8, behind only the Cavs, Boston, Oklahoma City and Memphis so far in the race for the league's best record.
Cleveland was a playoff team a year ago, as was Orlando. And the Rockets planted seeds for improvement last year as well; an 11-game winning streak late in the season fueled a push where they finished 41-41 in a major step forward after a few years of rebuilding.
“We kind of set that foundation last year to compete with everybody,” Rockets coach Ime Udoka said. “Obviously, we had some ups and downs with winning and losing streaks at times, but to finish the season the way we did, getting to .500, 11-game winning streak and some close losses against high-level playoff teams, I think we kind of proved that to ourselves last year that that's who we're going to be.”
A sign of the respect the Rockets are getting: Oddsmakers at BetMGM Scorebook have made them a favorite in 17 of 24 games so far this season, after favoring them only 30 times in 82 games last season.
“Based on coaches, players, GMs, people that we all know what they're saying, it seems like everybody else is taking notice as well,” Udoka said.
They're taking notice of Orlando as well. The Magic lost their best player and haven't skipped a beat.
Banchero's injury after five games figured to doom Orlando for a while, and the Magic went 0-4 immediately after he tore his oblique. Entering Tuesday, they're 14-3 since — and now have to regroup yet again. Franz Wagner stepped into the best-player-on-team role when Banchero got hurt, and now Wagner is going to miss several weeks with the exact same injury.
Ask Magic coach Jamahl Mosley how the team has persevered, and he'll quickly credit everyone but himself. Around the league, it's Mosley getting a ton of the credit — and rightly so — for what Orlando is doing.
“I think that has to do a lot with Mose. ... I have known him a long time,” Phoenix guard Bradley Beal said. “A huge fan of his and what he is doing. It is a testament to him and the way they’ve built this team.”
The Magic know better than most how good Cleveland is, and vice versa. The teams went seven games in an Eastern Conference first-round series last spring, the Cavs winning the finale at home to advance to Round 2.
Atkinson was brought in by Cleveland to try and turn good into great. The job isn't anywhere near finished — nobody is raising any banners for “best record after 25 games” — but Atkinson realized fairly early that this Cavs team has serious potential.
“We’re so caught up in like the process of improve, improve, improve each game, improve each practice," Atkinson said. “That’s kind of my philosophy. But then you hit 10-0, and obviously the media starts talking and all that, and you’re like, ‘Man, this could be something special brewing here.’”