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I often daydream about Tom Brady.
Yes, I am obsessed with TB12. Why wouldn't I be? Who am I going to obsess over during this pandemic, Jay Cutler?
So The Greatest Quarterback Who Ever Lived finishes his unparalleled two decades as a New England Patriot and now decides to spend his next two NFL decades as a Tampa Bay Buccaneer. He's in Tampa for, oh, 15 minutes, and already…
-- While working out in a park, he gets ejected because he is violating its coronavirus closure, but he receives an apology from Mayor Jane Castor.
-- He tries to visit Buccaneers offensive coordinator Byron Leftwich's house and mistakenly walks into his next-door neighbor's home, then an NFL probe determines Brady did not violate the league's offseason work rules.
-- An auction to benefit coronavirus food needs nets a $800,000 bid for four tickets to Brady's first Buccaneers home game, his jersey and cleats from that game and dinner with Titanic Tom.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Nothing bad ever happens to this guy. The sun shines on him nearly 24-7, and even when it rains, he walks between the drops.
What a 21st century for this guy – the tuck rule leads to his first Super Bowl title; he impregnates his girlfriend, a model, then before the birth of their first child, moves on to a supermodel; he has a season-ending knee injury in 2008, but hasn't been touched on or off the field since; he overcomes both Spygate and Deflategate for six championships total.
Meanwhile…
In one of the freakish oddities of my checkered life, Brady and I shared the same agent for 17 years – I am not making this up – and in that period of time, TB12 earned about $225 million in NFL contracts and I earned less than $50,000 in deals our rep brought to me. Essentially, we are a latter-day Henry and Tommie Aaron: together, the brothers combined for 768 home runs; together, TB12 and I combined for almost $225.1 million in salary.
(Column Intermission: Speaking of Jay Cutler, the longtime Chicago Bears quarterback and Kristin Cavallari are getting a divorce. I guess she finally looked at his NFL stats.)
The fact of the matter is, in just about every walk of life, Brady outdistances Couch Slouch.
He played football, basketball and football in high school. I played ping pong, pinball and hooky.
He graduated from Michigan with a general studies degree. I graduated from Maryland with an American studies degree. America is a big subject, but "general" is even bigger, no?
He was lightly regarded in his field coming out of college as a sixth-round pick. I have been lightly regarded in my field till this very day.
He has won three NFL most valuable player awards. I took first place in the 2005 U.S. Bowler Writing Competition in the "editorial" category.
He's played himself in "The Simpsons," "Family Guy" and "Entourage." I played myself in the 2005 ESPN drama "Tilt." Note: 2005 was a BIG year for me.
He advocates drinking 1/32nd of one's body weight in water each day. I buy Orange Crush by the keg.
He is friends with President Trump. I voted for Ralph Nader in 2000.
He favors Transcendental Meditation. I close my eyes when "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" comes on.
He launched his own line of vegan snacks. I eat Fritos and Bugles.
He is quarantining in Derek Jeter's 30,000-square-foot home that he's renting. I am quarantining in my 1,300-square-foot home that my bank owns.
He has had endorsement deals with Aston Martin, Beautyrest, Cadillac, Foot Locker, Glaceau Smartwater, IWC watches, Nike, Sam Adams, Tag Heuer watches, Ugg footwear, Under Armour, Upper Deck, Visa and Wheaties. I give unpaid plugs to Yuengling in this column.
His book, "The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance," reached No. 1 on the New York Times' best-seller list. My book, "Hold On, Honey, I'll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime," can occasionally be found at yard sales.
On the other hand, he's only been married once. I got him there.
Ask The Slouch
Q.Now that POTUS has suggested injections of disinfectant and UV rays, is Barry Bonds on his way to Cooperstown? (Malcolm Wilson; Kensington, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q.How many episodes of "The Last Dance" do we have to wade through before they get to Ickey Woods? (Steve McClemons; Arlington, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Under the NCAA's student-athlete rule changes, can I buy my seats directly from a player and avoid the middleman mark-up? (Steve Smith; Potomac, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Wait, wasn't the NFL's pass interference replay review supposed to take care of "contact tracing"? (Terry Golden; Vienna, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. Would it be worth $1.25 if I nominated you for the Noble Prize in poker? (Jeff Gold; Columbia, Md.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. The Orioles are having a better year, don't you think? (Steve Owings; Spokane, Wash.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
You, too, can enter the $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway. Just email asktheslouch@aol.com and, if your question is used, you win $1.25 in cash!
It’s May 1, and the Astros are turning heads—but not for the reasons anyone expected. Their resurgence, driven not by stars like Yordan Alvarez or Christian Walker, but by a cast of less-heralded names, is writing a strange and telling early-season story.
Christian Walker, brought in to add middle-of-the-order thump, has yet to resemble the feared hitter he was in Arizona. Forget the narrative of a slow starter—he’s never looked like this in April. Through March and April of 2025, he’s slashing a worrying .196/.277/.355 with a .632 OPS. Compare that to the same stretch in 2024, when he posted a .283 average, .496 slug, and a robust .890 OPS, and it becomes clear: this is something more than rust. Even in 2023, his April numbers (.248/.714 OPS) looked steadier.
What’s more troubling than the overall dip is when it’s happening. Walker is faltering in the biggest moments. With runners in scoring position, he’s hitting just .143 over 33 plate appearances, including 15 strikeouts. The struggles get even more glaring with two outs—.125 average, .188 slugging, and a .451 OPS in 19 such plate appearances. In “late and close” situations, when the pressure’s highest, he’s practically disappeared: 1-for-18 with a .056 average and a .167 OPS.
His patience has waned (only 9 walks so far, compared to 20 by this time last year), and for now, his presence in the lineup feels more like a placeholder than a pillar.
The contrast couldn’t be clearer when you look at José Altuve—long the engine of this franchise—who, in 2024, delivered in the moments Walker is now missing. With two outs and runners in scoring position, Altuve hit .275 with an .888 OPS. In late and close situations, he thrived with a .314 average and .854 OPS. That kind of situational excellence is missing from this 2025 squad—but someone else may yet step into that role.
And yet—the Astros are winning. Not because of Walker, but in spite of him.
Houston’s offense, in general, hasn’t lit up the leaderboard. Their team OPS ranks 23rd (.667), their slugging 25th (.357), and they sit just 22nd in runs scored (117). They’re 26th in doubles, a rare place for a team built on gap-to-gap damage.
But where there’s been light, it hasn’t come from the usual spots. Jeremy Peña, often overshadowed in a lineup full of stars, now boasts the team’s highest OPS at .791 (Isaac Paredes is second in OPS) and is flourishing in his new role as the leadoff hitter. Peña’s balance of speed, contact, aggression, and timely power has given Houston a surprising tone-setter at the top.
Even more surprising: four Astros currently have more home runs than Yordan Alvarez.
And then there’s the pitching—Houston’s anchor. The rotation and bullpen have been elite, ranking 5th in ERA (3.23), 1st in WHIP (1.08), and 4th in batting average against (.212). In a season where offense is lagging and clutch hits are rare, the arms have made all the difference.
For now, it’s the unexpected contributors keeping Houston afloat. Peña’s emergence. A rock-solid pitching staff. Role players stepping up in quiet but crucial ways. They’re not dominating, but they’re grinding—and in a sluggish AL West, that may be enough.
Walker still has time to find his swing. He showed some signs of life against Toronto and Detroit. If he does, the Astros could become dangerous. If he doesn’t, the turnaround we’re witnessing will be credited to a new cast of unlikely faces. And maybe, that’s the story that needed to be written.
We have so much more to discuss. Don't miss the video below as we examine the topics above and much, much more!
The MLB season is finally upon us! Join Brandon Strange, Josh Jordan, and Charlie Pallilo for the Stone Cold ‘Stros podcast which drops each Monday afternoon, with an additional episode now on Thursday!
*ChatGPT assisted.
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