ALL IS NOT LOST
Urban Meyer's firing doesn't steal juice from Texans potential landmark moment
Nice going, Jacksonville Jaguars owner Shad Khan. Grinch just took away the only interesting aspect about Sunday's game between his bottom-feeding Jaguars and our own algae-eating Houston Texans.
Would this be the game when Jags psycho coach Urban Meyer loses his mind, calls his coaches a bunch of losers, grab ass’ a waitress in her 20s, hires a strength coach who’s made racist comments online, kicks a player who ironically is a kicker, doesn’t know who’s in the game and who’s not, blames the players for the team’s disastrous season and finally gets fired?
Wait, all that’s happened, including owner Khan pulling the plug and firing Meyer in the dead of Wednesday night (or Thursday morning, depending which time zone Jags fans started dancing).
But car crash rubberneckers don’t be dismayed. The Jags-Texans game still shapes up as one of the NFL’s all-time stinkers. The clash pits the two worst records in the AFC (2-11) and two worst offenses in all the NFL. In case you’re wondering, the Jags are No. 31, the Texans No. 32.
The Jaguars and Texans can’t win for losing, either. The Jaguars are 4-9 against the Vegas spread, the Texans not much better at 5-8.
The only place these teams are a good value is on StubHub. You can find tickets to the Jags-Texans game for the low, low price of $14. Please don’t rush the ticket window, there’s no supply chain shortage here.
The Jaguars aren’t exactly fritzing out the scoreboard. If past performance means anything, you might want to consider taking the under Sunday – the number is 39.5 points. Jaguar games have gone over only twice all season. Texans games have exceeded the total only five times. Look at me, sounding like someone with a problem, or as Kramer would say, oh I got a big problem.
This game matches rookie quarterbacks Trevor Lawrence and Davis Mills. Lawrence, the No. 1 overall pick in last year’s draft, has a QB rating of 32, with 9 touchdowns, 14 interceptions and one Subway commercial. Mills has a QB rating of 29.2 with 8 touchdowns, 8 interceptions and possibly a coupon for BOGO tuna footlongs at Subway.
The Texans’ leading rusher is David Johnson. He’s run for a total of 176 yards this season. Need I remind you that this is Week 15?
Because of the way the NFL cooks the books, it’s difficult to say definitively that these are the two most poorly supported teams … but they are. The NFL determines attendance by the number of tickets sold. By that measure, the Texans average attendance at home games is 66,987, or 93-percent of NRG Stadium’s capacity. About 900 miles east on I-10, Jacksonville claims it’s averaging 59,849 fans, or 89-percent of TIAA Bank Field. Both stadiums have been more than half empty this season.
If I invited 100 people to my New Year’s Eve party and only two showed up, what was the real attendance at my party? It’s two. (I left early, I didn’t want to hang around those losers).
While Meyer already has been canned, Texans coach David Culley might want to ask Meyer for advice on which line moves faster at the unemployment office. Culley’s next for sure. When you suspend a player for disciplinary reasons, and he’s your nominee for the Walter Peyton NFL Man of the Year Award, what is going on in that locker room? Who’s minding the store?
The Jags-Texans game will air at noon Sunday on Channel 11. As a public service, here are some other viewing choices at that time: the Christmas Cookie Challenge is airing on the OWN Channel, there’s an Office marathon on Comedy Central, Impractical Jokers is on Tru TV (when is Impractical Jokers not on Tru TV?) and Chuck Norris is 80 and Still Ripped is on the 24-hour infomercial channel.